ptsd

i think i have break-up post traumatic stress disorder. i was standing at the stove scrambling some eggs, when i was transported back in time to a moment when i was making eggs for mr ex man. i normally scramble, but he wanted over-easy. when i explained i had very little experience frying eggs, but i would be happy to try for him, he got up and joined me at the stove. he was standing right behind me, leaning over my shoulder, giving me the sweetest directions for the perfect over easy egg. guess what? they were perfect. delicious and kind of sweet since i made them for him. when i was forced back into the present, shattering the moment and the memory, my heart broke again-just a little. it was a small thing-a mere moment in our brief time together, but it meant something to me. at the time it meant something to him. he explained how his ex wife didnt do things like that for him and he appreciated how i spoiled him(i loved him, so easy to spoil)and how i was willing to take direction from him in such a loving way. sigh. the other flashback was a few months ago. i was walking down the stairs(do it 500 times a day, it seems)and again, i was transported back in time when he was walking down ahead of me and paused. i stopped on the step right above his, wrapped my arms around him and kissed his neck. as i started to pull away, he took both of my hands in his, leaned back into me and said "i dont want to ever leave you". my heart was so full it was overflowing and i simply said back "i dont want you leave. ever." but of course he did have to leave. get back to his life and to the promise to prepare a space for me in that life, but that is a whole other story that breaks my heart.

commentary on actual dates

i went through the sonic drive thu today to get my 1st root beer float of the season which made me think of a date i had a while back with a guy i met on an ldsmingle.com. i had been on the site a few months and was getting a little worn out from all the b.s(does that count as profanity?i am saying no and leaving it!)and thinking of just bailing on the whole thing when an im popped up simply saying "hi". We had a nice chat. He was a gentleman without being a dork, funny, and smart. he asked for my email and since i gave it to him(shocking, isnt it?)i got an email from him the next day. he sent it from his own email account, so it showed his name-and it seemed familiar to me. strangely familiar. we emailed back and forth a few times before it hit me that i had gone to school with this guy! he was a year behind me in a big high school. i knew who he was, but never socialized with him. when i emailed him back i asked if he was the same joe schmoe that went to anytown high school. he was! he was a shocked as i was and i never thought he would remember who i was, but he did. it was a fun start. we emailed for a bit and he started asking me out. i wasnt hesitant, but we had a hard time coordinating schedules. he had two daughters that he has full custody of that he had to wrangle around. we finally set it up to go get ice cream(i think it was november, but who cares?). we met in a bank parking lot(he thought it would be safer to leave my car there)and i hopped into his car. the conversation came easy. he is really funny without trying too hard and we had a lot of parallel experiences from our youth to refer to. we had not decided where to go for ice cream and the choices were slim in my neck of the woods. we ended up driving to a town about 30 miles away to get root beer floats at sonic. the town is small and sonic is considered fine dining. the only other thing this town can claim is the fact it hosts probably 4 or 5 different prisons. we hit the drive through and just drove around from prison to prison talking. joking about the fact we were cruising prison parking lots drinking root beer floats. it was a nice date. we talked a lot and i think we hit it off. i worried about the fact that he told me that he thought the church needed to relax the law of chastity for divorced members. we had a pretty intellectual conversation about it, but it worried me. i am glad he was up front about it, but where do you go from there? he is pretty much telling me that he expects sex before marriage on the first date! he has a right to get what he wants, but i just wasnt going to be the girl to give it to him. its difficult to describe the feeling that situation brings to me. here is a nice guy. i know he likes me. its obvious that we are hitting it off, but right out of the gate, we arent compatible because i will always be defending my choice of abstinence and he will alway be promoting his agenda of a healthy sexual relationship between two consenting adults. then me feeling like he is thinking i dont like sex, dont want sex, and religious inspired abstinence is my get out of sex free card. telling a guy on the first date that you cant wait to get married and get your freak on doesnt seem all that prudent. i hate trying to defend my desired for a righteous and healthy sexual relationship with the man i marry. convincing someone that they wont be left wanting doesnt seem very lady like. sigh.

lds dating sites WHAT THE HECK?!?!

the following post will be also posted on mormonmatters.org -a very cool site with some very insightful ideas on mormon culture. check it out!

i was sooooooooooooooooo naive. i actually thought i would find my personal peter priesthood on one of those sites. what a joke. i feel compelled to give the following disclaimer: i am not, nor do i claim to be anything close to perfect. i am no molly. i cant carry a tune or play the piano. prairie skirts and fluffy bangs look horrible on me(i know, i am dating myself). but seriously, i am a cool chick and i made a commitment before i even started dating at 16 to keep the law of chastity. after my divorce, i committed myself again to following the law of chastity. it wasnt easy. those feelings and desires just dont go away when you sign the divorce papers. i was married to a non member and when i started thinking about dating again, i figured i would date both members and non. my first "relationship" was with a non member. i was crazy for this guy and he was crazy for me, but he just could not wrap is mind around 2 adults being in love and not having sex. it was difficult to explain. i had been sexually active and now i was just going to stop? was i insane? frigid? a little of both? when i broke up with that guy, i decided that i would date only members. even if they didnt follow the law of chastity themselves, they would get why i did. right? WRONG! after i signed up and logged on, it was like i was the belle of the ball. it was a huge ego boost, but what i soon realized is that it had very little to do with me. i was simply fresh meat and the sharks were circling. after the frenzy died down there were 2 or 3 men that i continued to im and email, but where it got interesting is about every week or so i would get a new "hit". someone would just pop in with an im and start flirting with me. hard. when i would look at their profiles i would find that the majority of these guys were KIDS. i mean KIDS. age range from 21(hello horny rm)to 26. this really surprised me-i was so out of their age bracket. i even asked them, "did you notice my age?" and got responses along the lines of "older chicks are cool!" what i quickly learned is the reason older chicks are "cool" is because many of us are divorced which means we were previously sexually active, and quite possibly more open to being sexually active now and teaching a few things to the youngsters. one of the kids actually told me "everything, but..." was ok and you would be worthy to keep your temple recommend. what?! one young man was looking for a more geographically convenient hookup. there was one girl he had been "seeing" on the other side of town and he was talking to me because i lived in his area.
are you feeling all warm and fuzzy? a few tears coming to your eyes? i met a lot of men on those sites. some nice. of all the men i met, i am still on friendly terms with two. my conclusion is, for the most part, that the lds dating sites are cyber singles bars where men(women too, i am sure)can easily hide the big ole skeletons in their closet behind pretending to be a faithful(notice i didnt say perfect)member of the church.

miracles and fasting

i am hoping my fast will bring about some miracles, but the obvious miracle today had nothing to do with my empty, growling tummy. mr boring, but nice was in church again today with his new girlfriend. i was jealous. not in the way you are thinking. not jealous of her, wanting him. jealous of them. they were a few pews up, so i had a clear view of them leaning into each other, her scratching and rubbing his back. sigh. i want that. i really do. to have someone to sit with me in church. who wants to be there. i got a chance to talk to her after rs today. she is so nice, so sweet and i can tell she really likes him. we all deserve that. she also told me that he speaks highly of me and really respects me. that made me so happy to hear. we only went on a few dates,but its nice to have made an impression. one mans trash is another mans treasure. boring to me can be completely facinating to someone else and apparrently it is. the whole trash/treasure thing is interesting when it comes to people. i said that to mr ex man after he had deluged me with all my faults and how i wasnt worthy to be with him or his children. that hurt. even lies can hurt when they are hurtled at you with such force and such venom. he had no reply. he seldom does, especially when i am making a valid point that contradicts what he is saying.

finally over

i have blocked mr ex man. blocked him via email & blocked him on the cell phone. the cell phone is actually a funny story. we had been text fighting for quite a few days and i was just fed up. he just kept telling me over and over again how selfish and unreasonable i was being. we kept going in circles. we had been going in circles for months, but i was willing to hang in there because i thought we would figure it out, but we didnt so i am unwilling to continue going in circles. so i just kept saying we needed to go our seperate ways(do you hear journey in your head?http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bQbZRMLKozk) and stop communicating all together. not good enough. he wants to be friends. WHATEVER. i do not believe in breaking up and being friends. not at this stage of the game. if we just had a few dates and we knew it wasnt going to work out-ok, fine. be friends. we were engaged. the breaking up process has been so ugly and so painful. a friend wouldnt do that to me. ANYWAY back to the funny part of the story. it really is kind of evil of me, but i was at my wits end. i tell him that i am going to block him, to take control of this situation and not worry about when his next contact will be. he gets really mad at this, starts talking about my "need for control" and how unreasonable(why does he stay, why does he want me if i am so rotten?)i am being. he all of a sudden has to go and hangs up. he never would have done that at the beginning of our relationship, but he does it just about every time we talk now. that was it for me, so i sent a very official looking text message that stated "verizon wireless messenger service can no longer deliver texts to this number" and sent it to him. its not that hes dumb. hes not, but he doesnt know much about phone service and computers. he totally bought it. he immediately send me an yahoo im, really upset asking me not to do it. i just ignored him. a little while later he calls me, frantic. he cant get any texts from his kids or work associates. he cant send them either. he is mad,but he is trying to get me back on board with him. i know i didnt actually block him, so i am trying to talk him off the cliff without giving my secret away. i worked for the phone company for many years, so i am using all my knowledge and expertise to tell him that there is no way that my block caused it. he is a conspiricy theory kind of guy and he cant be persuaded. so i "take it off". it takes a little while, but he is able to send and receive texts. there is no way i can convince him, so i stop trying. we are talking on the phone and he is trying to convince me to not break up(we have been broken up for a year, where the heck has he been?)blah blah blah. he finally gets so mad at me he says f***k you and hangs up. i immediately send the fake block text again and go to my computer to block him from im and email. there is an im waiting for me "you blocked me boo hoo"-ohmygosh. i couldnt believe it. i blocked him on everything and havent heard a word. it is, in a sense, a relief,but i find myself checking for texts and my heart skipping a beat when the phone rings. i have even found myself wanting to call just to argue and have the connection, but that is just crazy. the most unhealthy kind of crazy. i didnt do it. i wont do it. praying for strength. praying to figure it out so it makes some sense. i think that will be a future post, my deductive reasoning on the whole matter.

miracles!!

remember the really nice, but boring guy i talked about a few posts back? he called me yesterday to ask me when church started. in the past,he has used this as a segue to hint around for a date. NOT THIS TIME! he is seeing someone he met on ldsmingle and he was bringing her to church! i cannot possibly explain how happy this made me. he is such a nice man. he deserves to have someone and be happy. i just knew it couldnt be me. one of my friends who met him, said she had never seen less chemistry between two people before. i had never felt less chemistry. lol. he brought her today and i met her. she is very nice and they seem to fit well. i hope it works out!!! isnt that so cool of me? that i want the best for him? i know, patting myself on the back, but its nice to know that i am not a selfish b-atch and even though i dont want him, i dont want his attention directed at anyone else. there are women like that. i have seen it. its insane. she came to rs and since i was conducting, i got to introduce her. i wonder if he told her we went out a few times?
mr great white north has called me a few times. we have such nice conversations. we even discovered that we both love barry manilow-how great is that? he is 10 years older than me,but seems youthful. you know, young at heart. such a cheesy phrase, but it gets the point across.

the big get even

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6UD0c58nNCQ

this song is CLASSIC. it makes me think of mr ex man. i just wanted it over. we werent making each other happy-lets just part in a nice way. he just wouldnt have it. whenever i brought up breaking up like adults-he would say "but i dont want to break up". then proceeded to be the biggest jerk in the universe. even if we no longer love someone, dont we have an obligation to be decent? even though i think his life is crazy and i dont think he's handling it right, i didnt want to make him feel worse by rubbing his nose in it. he obvioulsy did not feel the same. he continued on with his mean(albeit untruthful)comments. i took the bait. i wish i was stronger, but he knew he could get me that way. i felt like i had to explain, set him straight so i would talk to him or text him or whatever means of communication we were using at that minute. classic rotten kid getting attention. doesnt matter if its negative or not. i woke up yesterday to 7 nasty text messages from him. all telling me how i am not living by the spirit and how horrible i am. it breaks my heart, it does, but what is it that dr phil says? hows that workin for ya? its not working at all. someone also said you cannot solve problems at the same level of thinking on which they were created(pretty sure it was einstien , but i read it in "7 habits of highly successful people") if you havent read it-i highly recommend it. theres also the quote: the true definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. man, that is our relationship. anyway, i didnt respond to the texts and i am literally praying all the time for strength not to respond to him in any way. i am really embarassed i have let it go on this long. i am one of those girls that i stood in judgement of. its a big lesson to me. i get now why people hang on. you feel this deep connection and it is so powerful, feels so good, that you cling to it, hoping it will morph back to its original state. the problem is, the original state was the fake.