wisdom or senility?

after sacrament i was sitting in the back pew chatting with a friend, when hank, our wards loveable, old guy(think clint eastwood with a testimony)stopped, put his hand gently on my arm and said "there is a good man out there somewhere that just doesnt know what he is missing in you. i hope he figures it out soon." he squeezed my arm and walked away. how sweet was that?

mormon chick still cooks

yum. yum.yum.   i had these hawaiin ham and cheese sandwiches at a baby shower and about passed out from the deliciousness. simple. easy. fast. how can you go wrong with that?  you cant!!!
i tripled the recipe and made it for a family gathering and even the pickiest eaters loved them.

http://beyerbeware.net/2011/04/hunk-of-meat-monday-game-time-favorites.html

what a drag

since my last few posts have been all DRAMA and sadness, i tried to post a yummy recipe or two, but since blogger has changed, i can figure out the format. its driving me crazy!!!!
i have been trying new recipes since i have become addicted to pinterest. i love, love, love pinterest!  if you are unaware of what i am talking about, do yourself a favor and do a google search. :)

the lies we tell ourselves

despite my best, valiant efforts to erase all memories of dick and all that concerns him, he creeps back in.  it getting progressively better-my heart no longer physically aches; a big bonus.
as you may have noticed, i am a talker. its how i process things.  i have worked out so many things while talking to a few select friends, sometimes have a light bulb moment mid conversation.
i am uncharacteristically quiet(and by quiet i mean i have only had one conversation w/one friend) this time. i think part of the reason is because i cannot seem to unravel the dick situation in my head. i cant even find the tail so i can start to unwind it. every reasonable hypothesis is immediately contradicted by a random fact that cannot be disputed. not to mention the confirmations. lets review the confirmations of smc...
mr soldier of fortune:  my memory concerning the prayers i offered about marrying him are a little fuzzy, but in my minds eye, i can see myself kneeling by my twin bed in my room in my parents house and sincerely asking if i should marry him. the answer i received was yes. i remember the peace i felt and the smile on my face that could not be contained as my father escorted me down the left aisle in our ward building.
mr nice guy: i dont remember praying about him, but he showed up on the scene right around the time i was going through a major personal crisis. he was sweet. he was kind. it seemed like an answer to a prayer that i never prayed.
mr ex man:  at this point i have a divorce, 2 serious relationships, and a few not so serious relationships under my belt. we hit it off, but i was uber-conscientious about what i wanted and how important having a heavenly seal approval on my choice was to me.  i felt good about this relationship and actually had a sweet spiritual experience in the temple regarding my decision to go forward.
dick: i met him more than 2 years after mr ex man. there were a few random dates and things that were interesting, but never went anywhere. no prayer or confirmations needed.  i governed myself(since i was taught correct principles). back to dick. i did not consider him as a serious possibility at first, but he was tenacious and his charm grew on me. considering all the past failures and my advancing years, i did not want to screw up this time. i prayed the whole time to "know the truth in all things"; to be guided to know if it was a good thing to be with him. i got the green light every time. i checked back to confirm. i studied. i searched out scriptures and general conference talks on the subject. i prayed about what i read and how it related to my growing relationship with dick. i can remember times silently praying to myself while he was talking to me, asking for the power of discernment. i dont feel i can justifiably deny what the Holy Ghost told me. I just cant. HOWEVER i cannot wrap my head around what has happened. it doesnt make sense. it contradicts everything. and. i. just. dont. get. it.
knowing that Heavenly Father knows the end from the beginning, i wonder why he didnt clue me in. did i need another heartbreak of this magnitude? i dont think so.  i truly dont.
oh yeah. i recently discovered that dick is married again.
 

thinking of learning morse code

i dont seem to interpret personal revelation properly and  maybe going to a method of communication that is so basic will improve my understanding. i keep screwing it up. i keep getting it wrong. i think i get an important piece of personal revelation and i act on it and i hit a wall. its happened several times and its creating a moderate trial of faith. 
i dont think Heavenly Father will be on board with switching his methods and who would blame him?  i am certain is my problem, but that brings zero comfort. i really dont know what i am doing to screw this up.
the most recent "communication problem" is regarding dick-i thought i had it figured out-it was just a matter of faith and faith in the Lords timing. but it wasnt. it wasnt that at all. Maybe its just free agency. despite revelation, you still have free agency to make the wrong decision.
i am grasping at straws trying to find a clever way to say what is on my mind and i am not doing it at all. i apologize.
dick has been gone for a long time, but unlike mr ex man or mr nice guy, he had not left my heart.  he has now left my heart. it hurts. i feel foolish. i hate feeling foolish-it makes me angry.
part of me wants to tell the whole story, but i find it so embarrassing that even on an "anonymous" forum such as a blog, i cant bear to talk about it yet. i dont know if i ever will.
i have talked to 2 friends about it. they have been understanding and gave wonderful insight that made a lot of sense, but now i am trying to crawl away from the pit of quick sand of low self esteem that threatens to swallow me up.
i would love if anyone would comment and tell me about any experience you have with screwing up personal revelation.

if you arent crazy, are you boring?

i think i have written a couple of different posts over the years mulling over this topic in one way or another, but its nagging at me again.  the past few months have been nothing but mating season-everyone seems to be pairing off, getting engaged, and getting married. i am not normally a green with envy kind of gal, but if you look close, you might see a bit of chartreuse around the edges. with few exceptions-these girls are kind of crazy. sometimes the guys are too, but never both in the same couple. does "normal" attract crazy or does it go looking for it?  if i have any hopes of snagging a man, do i need to whack it out a bit?  at this point in my life, i am so worn out from the games, i dont think i have it in me to play crazy.  maybe its better to be alone with my boring self and hope that some boring guy will find me as his soul mate.  or maybe i am the kind of crazy that repels men and i am unaware of it, thinking i am "normal". right now i just feel that i am about as exciting as paint drying. i truly want someone who loves me what i am that boring. i will have my moments of crazy fun, but dont we all need to be loved without being "on" all the time?

the stuff

when you break up with someone, what do you do with the stuff?  i held onto most of what i accumulated while married to msof, but when i sold my house, threw everything, but a few pictures away. i dont even know where those pictures are now. weird.
in a fit of rage i threw most of the stuff tgws gave me out the passenger window as i was speeding down the road.  i think i have a few random pictures.
all the stuff from mr ex man-gone.
all the stuff from mr nice guy-gone.
all the stuff from dick-packed away. i rarely take it out and look at it, but i know its there and i have no plans to dispose of it.
what do you keep and what do you throw away?