broken heart

man! i am such an idiot. i went against all my better judgement. i KNEW what was going to happen and i saw him anyway. all his promises....LIES. why do men, especially men in the church(we are supposed to be operating under a higher standard, right?)choose to act this way? i have my theories, but even when i repeat them in my head, they seem self serving. i hate being made a fool of and i let him do it. i went with an open mind and heart. weapons buried. did all that i could to make it easy for him. did he do anything to make it easy for me? no. of course not. he blames me for all. i feel like rapping my knuckles against his head just to see if there is anything in there. i have no desire to date at all anymore. i keep picking the wrong guy. the wrong type of guy. i really thought this guy was my prayers being answered. i think i need to get my revelation wires repaired. sigh.

infinite steps back

oh my gosh. it couldnt have gone worse. i dont even know if i can write about it. mr ex man is gone forever. no recovering. i am sick over how it all happened. its just horrible and icky. his life is such a mess, but he thinks i am the screwed up one. it is a classic case of deflecting blame to another in an effort to distract from all that is screwed up with you. my heart is broken. he was mean and cruel. so unnecessary. maybe i will write more later. this hurts.

3 steps forward......?

mr ex man knows i am going to be in his city and is happy and seems excited. wants to "sweep me away" and "seduce me". we actually SPOKE today. he called. i had been praying so hard yesterday, telling HF that i was going to be there and wanted to see him so badly,but only wanted his will. the right thing. voila! mr ex man emailed me late yesterday afternoon. we are making progress. apologies. promises. good promises. will my dream come true? he was my dream. now i find myself ducking punches(figuratively,not implying any sort of physical abuse) that arent even really there. we are managing the difficult topics. still lots of stuff to figure out. dont know if i can handle the litter and the ex wife. i love this man, but we all know, love is not enough. takes so much more. listening to our soundrack on youtube. in the beginning, we sent youtube links to different romantic songs from our era. i had erased them in an angry fit, but the last time i logged into youtube-they were there.mmmmmm.

mr ex man rides again

i am not a friend of mr ex man on facebook,myspace,ldslinkup or any other social networking website. i deleted him from all a long time ago. today, out of the blue, i get an email from him via facebook. i was quite stunned, but it truly seemed an answer to a prayer. i have been praying for days for the answers to what to do with this man. continue on without him? we emailed back and forth for a few hours. seemed to be going well, but then.....the blame game. truly. it has to be all my fault for him to be satisfied. he literally blames me for the fact that he called me horrible,ugly names. if i hadnt provoked him....he was only responding to me.....BLAH BLAH BLAH. then he bails from the conversation all together. common tactic. i just dont get it.

blah

beautiful day. went to the temple. amazing spiritual experiences, but its like i am seeing all through some sort of foggy filter. its like i am dorothy spinning out of control in the tornado and landing in oz is so far down the road that i cant even imagine my life being in color ever again.

what day is this?

i know its only been a few days. maybe 4, but it seems like forever since i have talked or text'd mr ex man. he said something mean and horrible and totally out of line. i told him i would never talk to him again. i meant it. no matter how angry one gets, you cant talk that way to anyone. especially the one you love. or claim to, anyway. the silly girl in me keeps thinking he will call or text. sincerely apologize. i would forgive. silly girl. my trip to his neck of the woods is set. at this rate, he will never know i was there. silly girl. just want him to call so i can tell him. and be happy about it. even without seeing him this trip is going to be good. sigh.

thats right NO SEX

i have been divorced for many,many years. there have been a few times that i considered wavering on my comittment to keeping the law a chastity, but ended up sticking it out. i am amazed by people in the church who find this such an amazing feat. am i some shrivled up prude who never cared about sex in the first place? no. not just no, HELL NO. that is an aspect of my marriage that i truly enjoyed. one of the few things we managed to do well, but as we all know, sex cannot save a marriage when all else is lacking. might drag it out a little...i digress. i understood when my non member friends thought i was crazy for not having sex. common worldy views is that you cannot built a successful relationship without having sex and making sure you are compatible in bed(or wherever else you might get your groove on).but when members. temple recommend holders(in some cases)that questioned my comittment to this important doctorine. threw me right back to high school. slapping boys hands away. many members choose to have sex outside marriage. some have good reasons. maybe their wives were fridgid prudes and they want to make sure it doesnt happen again. maybe they are just lazy and horney and doing what the "natural man" would do. i dont know and i dont judge, but i wish they wouldnt judge me. tell me i am immature and running away from forming a grown up adult relationship. i totally disagree. it is a fine line to walk. to ask the right questions and prayerfully consider what you discover and trust that if anything comes up(or doesnt, whatever the case may be)that you can work it out. i guess for some, thats too big of a risk. to me, running fast and loose with that stuff and the spiritual consequences is too big a risk. mr ex man and i negotiated all of that so well. i knew that our life in that area would be fulfilling and exciting. we spoke openly,but within righteous boundaries. no cyber or phone sex for us. plenty of flirting and honest communication about what we both wanted. at the time, it all seemed really good. very compatitable. instead of being worried or freaked out i was looking forward to the time when we would be engaging in a righteous sex life. i truly believe that not only is that possible, its what we all should be shooting for. what could be better?