laughing through the rage

so i go and read the most recent post from seriously so blessed. nail. on. the. head.

one of those days

physically feeling better, but...otherwise, there is just a grey(not black)cloud hanging over.
spent yesterday with gbf. he is doing pretty well. waiting for the insurance approval to begin chemotherapy. insurance companies-a necessary evil, but it amazes me that they can drag their feet on life saving treatment. gbf's husband spent the time on the computer reading us different schools of thought on diets that cure cancer. it was depressing. not the diets, just that gbf is so overwhelmed with all the information that he is just drowning in it. but he wants to hear it. it was hard to hang in there, but i did. left their house with a weight on my shoulders. my shoulders?! HE is the one with cancer-right? right. it really effects everyone. i keep it all to myself. i would never burden him with it. trying to create a personal strategy to deal with all i am going through because of what HE is going through. this is going to be a race of distance, not speed. need to pace myself. anyone who has dealt with this and has anything to tell me, please comment.
today is mothers day. not a happy day for me for lots of reasons. its not that i dont have a good mother. i have an excellent one. feeling bad because being sick all week really kept me from following through with the plans i had for her gift. oh sure. she will understand, but she will be disappointed. she likes a fuss. i hate a fuss so this is difficult. like i mentioned, everyone(practically) in my family has been sick. i was hoping they would cancel/postpone the family dinner we had planned for today, but that doesnt look like its going to happen.
someone(an old friend from high school)that i only keep contact with via facebook sent me an email saying "happy mothers day". its entirely possible that he doesnt realize i am not a mother. there are many pictures of me with my nieces and nephews and he could assume they are mine, but it still bugs me. why dont we have an aunts day? celebrate all the aunts who are like mothers(but cooler)to you?
i think i will sit in the foyer today. i hate the fuss over mothers day. for me. not actual mothers. in an attempt to be kind and not exclude anyone-when they hand out the flowers, or the candy or whatever they have going on to recognize the mothers of the ward-they will usually say something like "all the mothers, grandmothers, future mothers..." i know some might appreciate being included in this. not me. its not a bitter or angry thing. i am not a mother and i dont want to be made a fuss over or felt sorry for because i am not!
one of the best things ever was when one of my nephews, unprompted, brought me one of the flowers that were being handed out in sacrament. i think he was 4 or 5 at the time. it was a pure thing coming from the very best place, not something forced or contrived to make me feel included in a club that i am not a member of.
i said i wasnt bitter and i am not, but that sure sounded bitter. cranky today. not bitter.

mothers day-THE WORST

i am sure many of the child-free, single women in the church are like me. hatin mothers day. i have to say that this year sacrament was devoid of the condescending talks about motherhood in "this life or in the next". i hate those things. none of that this year. what a relief. still....the day sucked. its never really good for me, but this year was worse. i am really struggling to count blessings when there is so much in my life that is truly lacking. even typing that seems blasphemous. i am blessed. walking on 2 feet. loving family. roof over my head. good ward. so many of the things i truly desire are missing. i am in a cage and i just dont know how to get out. i keep praying. i keep thinking i am finding ways, but then its me, all over again, hitting my head against a brick wall. i spent a lot of the day in bed.