in a nut shell...

here is a quick re-cap of THE MEN OF SINGLE MORMON CHICK:

tall guy with sunglasses(tgws) my first love. we dated for about 5 years(high school and a little beyond) and i truly loved him, but he got caught up in drugs and it really changed everything i was attracted to. we broke up when i was 19 and almost a year later i was married to...

mr soldier of fortune(msof)we had known each other since we were little kids, but never went out or anything romantic. apparently he loved me all through high school and thought it was a waste for me to have been with tgws. we were married for about 10 years. things had been bad for quite a while, but the final straw was his infidelity. it was so devastating then, but the details are kind of comical now.

mr nice guy was a momma's boy. he was so nice and such a gentleman, but completely controlled by his mother. if he had ever found the jar his mother had his balls stored in, we probably would have gotten married.

mr great white north was a little bit older than i normally liked, but he was truly young at heart. i really enjoyed my time with him and broke my "lets be friends rule" when i told him about mr ex man.

mr ex man was my guy. he chased me down on one of the dating sites shortly after i had met mr great white north. the chemistry was immediate and we had a lot of cool things in common. we connected on so many levels and i just thought he was amazing. it truly seemed like we were made for each other,but then there was major drama with his ex wife regarding his kids. from the outside looking in, it seemed pretty clear what he should do, but he couldnt see the forest for the trees. his choices completely ruined us by destroying trust. there were a few other things, but i think they could have been resolved if it werent for the ex wife issues. it was a horrible break up that drug out for much longer than it ever should have, but isnt that how so many break ups go?

mr jack mormon is such a fun guy and i really liked being with him, but he wanted sex. pre marital sex to be exact. he felt that all couples needed to sleep together before marriage to be sure they were sexually compatible. we had many intellectual discussions regarding this. he never "tried" anything, but during one of our discussions he let me know that the reason he never kissed me was because i wouldnt have sex with him. talk about throwing the baby out with the bath water.

so thats it in a nut shell...some of the highlights of my romantic life so far.

the mr great white north story

i know i tend to ramble, but i will attempt to make this as concise as possible. some of it i may have covered before, but since i have yet to properly tag and categorize my posts, i dont feel like digging through a years worth of content to find out. lazy. i ramble and i am lazy. no wonder i am not married off!
anyway-i met mr great white north on ldsmingle a few weeks before i met mr ex man(a detail that is significant a little later on). we im'd for a week or two before he asked for my phone number. he was nice and i had a lot of fun im'ing, so i gave it to him right away. the chemistry translated to actual conversation and we started talking about him coming to visit me.
about this time i had decided to delete my profile from mingle. not because i thought mr great white north was THE ONE, but i was just done with that scene. its exhausting, really. the day i logged in to cancel my subscription, mr ex man sent me a "flirt". we flirted back and forth, but he wasnt sending me an email or initiating an im conversation, so i just blew it off. like i said, i was fed up and even the possibility of a cute guy who was 6'4 with broad shoulders was not much of an enticement.
i am already beyond rambling and my attempt at being concise is wasted, so i will spare you all the details that got me to fall in love with mr ex man. maybe another post.
i see i am falling in love with mr ex man and i decide to tell mr great white north that i want to focus on that relationship. he was super cool and asked if we could be friends. i am normally against that, but thought it would be a good thing with him. we had little or no contact after that and i went on with the mr ex man saga.
i think guys must have some sort of radar that alerts them when you break up and are vulnerable because mr great white north called me within a few weeks of my break up.
we talked, we laughed, he asked if he could come see me. we started making plans and then he disappeared. that routine repeated itself two more times over 2 years.
why did i tolerate that, you might ask. it just wasnt that big of a deal. it was annoying, but i really wasnt invested.
HOWEVER- when he called this this time i made it clear that his previous shenanigans would no longer be tolerated. he was understanding and explained a little about why it had happened previously. reasons, but no real excuses. we were talking almost every day. the plans for him to come visit were really gelling, but then he started bailing on me. three times in less than 24 hours he dropped out of conversations asking if he could call me back, but never did.
there is more, nothing earth shattering, but indicative to the fact that he was either unprepared or unwilling to enter into the kind of relationship i am looking for. when i very diplomatically(really, i was)told him how i felt about what he was doing he replied "i think for now we should just be friends". WHATEVER! so what? basic expectations send you crying like a little baby?
there are many things about his life right now that i know would make any relationship difficult, but my thing is this: you are an adult, you know what is going on-dont make promises you cant keep! big or small, it doesnt matter. dont expect a woman you claim to be interested in to put up with your crap. accept you arent ready and dont entertain relationships until you are.

big ole surpise

earlier today i heard the old familiar "ping" of my yahoo messenger. i cant even remember the last time this has happened. all my friends and family text me and i systematically eliminated or blocked everyone else. ie: the men. except one. mr great white north. why did i exclude him from the cut? i am not really sure. probably because i see him as harmless. i met him just a few months before mr ex man on one of the lds dating sites. i had a blast im'ing and speaking with him on the phone, but after i met mr ex man and things were progressing so well, i let mr great white north what was going on. i could tell he was disappointed, but respected the fact i was telling him in an upfront way. well, that was a few years ago and he has popped up here and there. it was like he had some sort of radar letting him know exactly when mr ex man and i broke up. he frequently travels my way for business and about 6 months ago he asked me if we could make plans for him to come visit. where i was hesitant in the past, i was completely open to it at the time. he is fun. he is sweet. the fact that he is 10 years older and still has a little of that old fashioned gentleman in him is a big plus for me, but the fun, sweet gentleman disappeared. simply dropped off the face of the earth. one day he was there the next he was gone. i missed talking to him, but kind of like mr jack mormon, i wasnt in love with him. my heart wasnt broken, but i was irritated he did not give me the same courtesy i gave him. today was the first time i had heard from him. same ole mr great white north. said he missed me and that he was sorry he dropped out, etc. his life is a mess(his words, not mine)and i would never get seriously involved with him, but he his fun to talk to. i like how it sounds when he calls me "baby" or "doll" with his canadian accent. will have to see how it works out. heck, for all i know, he will disappear again.

never assume

it made me feel like an ass and its a mistake i will never make again.
mr ex man and i had gotten into a conversation about our first sexual experiences. this was an honest exchange of information between adults who were planning on getting married, not anything cheap or dirty.
i have a funny story how my then mother in law called the day after my wedding to check in on me. when i told her i was fine(not the complete truth, but what the heck do you say to your mother in law?)she told me how relieved she was because the soldier of fortune men were notorious for being "well endowed" as she put it. that story always gets a big laugh when i tell it, but it fell flat with mr ex man. i was kind of confused. we were being open and honest. he had told me a few intimate details that i could have gone my whole life without knowing, but i didnt protest because i know it was in the spirit of sharing. all it gave me was a way too vivid picture of him with his ex wife.
so why would he shut down and withdraw when i told him about my mother in law calling me in the honeymoon suite the day after my wedding? it took a few days for him to finally confess why he was grumpy and uncommunicative: my story about my well hung ex husband made him feel inadequate. his ex wife had told him that his manhood was too diminutive to satisfy her and that was one of the reasons she had stepped outside their marriage.
imagine me slapping the palm of my hand against my forehead. i felt like such an idiot. i had never considered the size of the wand when feeling the magic between mr ex man and myself. if i had, i would have mistakenly assumed that as the 6'4", football player type guy he was, that he was hung just fine. what he wouldnt believe is that i didnt care. not at all. i knew we would be fine and since his ex wife was the only opinion he was basing his feelings of inadequacy on, i figured there was a good chance she was just being a bitch and lying to him to make him feel like shit in an attempt to justify her unforgivable actions.
i wouldnt say this alone caused our break up, but it certainly did not help. i will never tell that story again until AFTER i am married and praised my husband for the well hung stud that he is.
do all men worry about this? was mr ex man just being overly sensitive or was i the idiot for bringing it up?

another flash back

this song came up while i was watching "men of a certain age". i have never really listened to the marshall tucker band, but mr ex man sent me this youtube and well...you know. its like never being aware of a specific car and when someone you know gets one, you suddenly see them all over the place.
the same with some of the songs mr ex man would send to me. before he brought the marshall tucker band to my attention, i never would have noticed them. it doesnt come up very often, but when they come on the radio or in the soundtrack of a tv show i am watching. it catches my ear.
heres a sample:

I'm gonna find me a hole in the wall,
I'm gonna crawl inside and die
'Cause my lady, now a mean old woman, Lord
Never told me goodbye
Can't you see, oh, can't you see,
What that woman she been doin' to me
Can't you see, oh, can't you see,
What that woman, she been doin' to me

thats just the second verse. it was the first of what i called his "f-you songs". he HATED when i called them that. he claimed the song demonstrated his deep love and the anguish of how things were not going right between us. whatever.
sigh. i was just enjoying a few days of uninterrupted, not thinking of mr ex man time. then here come the marshall tucker band. thanks. thanks a lot.

mr ex man

i remember years ago reading a quote that said something like this: the opposite of love is not hate,its indifference. its really hitting home with mr ex man. i hate him. i love him. no one has inspired such euphoria or rage in me. ever. long distance relationships suck. i never really thought that until him. relationship dysfunction takes on a whole new facet when distance is a factor. we have been reduced to fighting via text. we hardly ever speak. of course we get nowhere.i have never argued so much and gotten nowhere.he can be such a jerk. i am sure he thinks i can be equally jerky.all this nightmarish stuff goes through my head. he still loves his ex.he will always say no to me.he will allow his kids to ruin our relationship.it has been almost a year since we have seen each other. he is less than 2 hrs away by plane. as i type this, i see how ridiculous it is. why am i even hanging on? i had a confirmation. aaaahhhhhh-the confirmation. this is mormonspeak for God personally speaking to you. not moses on mount sinai speaking, but speaking nonetheless. mr ex man says he had the confirmation too. he now calls it the curse. sweet, eh?