hate letter

i so just want to write him the most scathing letter so he will leave me alone for good. forever. he totally bailed on a text conversation we were having friday night, then sends me this angry text on saturday about how impatient and demanding i am. i just want to be done. i look back over the time i have wasted on this and i am just so embarassed. stupid to wait for someone to pull his life out of the ditch. hey-my life has some chaos in it, but i invited him in-showed him the truth and asked him to accept or reject. he wouldnt do that with me. made up all these lies about the chaos in his life and how he was embarassed for me to see his house and his life. i know that there was major issues, but i thought we could face and conquer them together. i wasted too much time. 2 of my best friends told me that i gave him too many chances. i didnt agree at first, but i do now. this has driven the will to date and marry out of me. i have been wanting to write about this, but there are so many layers, so much information, that i cant organize it. i want to write a book and just have it all out there, resolved for my own satisfaction. i was watching "that thing you do"-you know, the tom hanks movie about the beatles-type band in the mid 60's. that scene towards the end where faye(liv tyler)tells jimmy(johnathon schaech): have wasted thousands and thousands of kisses on you - kisses that I thought were special because of your lips and your smile and all your color and life. I used to think that was the real you, when you smiled. But now I know you don't mean any of it. You just save it for all your songs. Shame on me for kissing you with my eyes closed so tight.
thats how if feel. i loved him for all he was-it seemed so real. such an answer to everything. i thought it was a gift, but it was a joke. a cruel lesson that i have yet to learn the reason for.

when can you stop?

praying. when can you stop praying for someone? i am sure someone much more righteous than me would say "never", never stop praying, but i need to get this out of conscience. be able to stop thinking about it. i started my fast last night and of course included mr ex man. i truly want the best for him. want him to be happy. have all that he wants and needs. it really doesnt seem that he wants that for me. he wants to force me into something that i know will only bring unhappiness. he has actually asked me to move 1000 miles to live with him. as i type that, it pisses me off. i would never do it. he knows it. when i called him on it, he either says it was a joke(he likes to inject levity at the most inopportune moments and wonders why i dont laugh)or that its "just a suggestion". when i was there, he couldnt even tell his kids he was coming to see me. he made up some story about going to the store. we, in fact, did go to the store so he could purchase skittles for one of his kids and get cash to pay for some last minute crap his kids or his ex wife failed to mention to him. man, i am getting mad.

he's just not that into you(me)

ok. dealing with relationship drama and watching http://www.hesjustnotthatintoyoumovie.com/
is a mistake. i had read the book way before mr nice guy or mr ex man ever came into my life. it makes good sense. really good, solid sense. i saw myself in the movie and i hated it. spinning all the stupid stuff mr ex man does or says. waiting for him to get past his pain, fear, and anger and be the man he was meant to be. he's just not that into me. if he was, he would make it happen. tell his kids what's what-put the ex wife in her place and get his ass to my town and make it all up to me. i dont for a second claim perfection. i certainly caved into to fear and insecurity. said some things i regret, but not on his level. really. he blames me. i will probably give more detail as the mood strikes,but for now i am profoundly sad. deleted all saved emails and youtube playlists. digging for the courage to throw away the dried flowers from my birthday boquet and the boxes from the chocolates he gave me. not sure why those things are so difficult. maybe because it will take more than hitting a delete button.

double blah

mr ex man im'd me. i will write more later. i just dont have it in me to relive it right now. it really isnt good. i dont really get how this is playing out. am i being tested? are my prayers being answered? i just dont get it. its so difficult and i am sick of difficulty. i looked at some old im's from about 6 months ago. same ole same ole. literally nothing has changed. he says the same thing. i say the same thing. double blah.

blah

phooey, blah, arggggh, and all those other gutteral type sounds we make to convey what we are feeling. i am missing mr ex man. i kind of want to reach out and call or text or something. been praying a lot about it. no stupor of thought, but no real direction either. i keep reminding myself of all the crap-forget that all the SHIT he pulled on me. it really got bad. i finally went his way on something he had been begging me to do for months. i put down my pride and i did it. i didnt meet in the middle, i went to him. he totally screwed it up and BLAMES ME. he said he could never give me the reassurance i needed. like i am a sucking vortex of neediness. the ONLY reassurance i needed was from the damage he caused. it mattered not to him that i would instantly forgive. i even said sorry first. i love him. i just wanted it to be right. i am thinking too much about it and it hate that. i want the chick flick romantic ending. he fights through the worst storm ever to get to me. begging my forgiveness, he offers a beautiful ring, shows me a current temple rec, and a letter signed by all his children that they support him in his happiness. ok. stop puking. i really did have a dream many months ago. i was coming out from the temple, walking down the steps and there he was. i walk toward him, not knowing what to say. he takes my hand, goes down on one knee, opens the jewelers box and says "will you please marry me?" inside the lid of the box is his temple rec. sigh. why wont a heart stop loving when its all over?

mothers day-THE WORST

i am sure many of the child-free, single women in the church are like me. hatin mothers day. i have to say that this year sacrament was devoid of the condescending talks about motherhood in "this life or in the next". i hate those things. none of that this year. what a relief. still....the day sucked. its never really good for me, but this year was worse. i am really struggling to count blessings when there is so much in my life that is truly lacking. even typing that seems blasphemous. i am blessed. walking on 2 feet. loving family. roof over my head. good ward. so many of the things i truly desire are missing. i am in a cage and i just dont know how to get out. i keep praying. i keep thinking i am finding ways, but then its me, all over again, hitting my head against a brick wall. i spent a lot of the day in bed.

how much rage can there possibly be?

mr nice guy emails me yesterday. its his m.o. he knows i am looking for work, so he sends me different posting from various employment sites. i was just so pissed off. i fired off the angriest email to him-telling him(again) to get on with his life and leave me alone. i am just so pissed off. i am the common denominator. what is it about me that attracts these nut jobs?!?!? i just cant take it anymore. i cant bear to pray about it. i was in the temple last week. felt a little peace there, but man! this is rough. i seriously give up.