numbers game

if the average lds person gets married at...lets say 22(being a tad generous here) and and if they started dating at 16, you could say that the average lds person is only single and dating for 6 years.
i have been divorced for over 10 years in addition to the 4 years of dating prior to my marriage at 20.
this thought occurred to me the other day and i found it very interesting. fourteen plus years compared to an average of 6.
just saying.

committed

i just started reading elizabeth gilberts(eat,pray,love) new book "committed". its all about her journey back to marriage after swearing she would never marry again after her bitter and ugly divorce. sound familiar? uh, yeah.
i am about half way through and she has given lots of cultural information about marriage around the world and how it has changed for various reasons. right now she is talking about how women earning their own money and becoming more independent has changed things.
she also had this interesting piece on revealing your worst to the person you love to make sure they can handle it. her boyfriend/fiance/husband(depending on where you are at in the book)had a lovely analogy about gemstones(he is a gemstone buyer/importer)and how we all get distracted by the beautiful, sparkly stones, but we have to make sure we can make something out of the less desirable ones as well.
i am not really doing it justice-when i am not feeling so lazy, i think i will type it up verbatim. it really is pretty good and quite brilliant, in my opinion.
anyway-it got me thinking how we always put our best foot forward, which is good-for a while. appearing to be perfect or hide the flaws that will creep out eventually and disillusion the person who believed we were essentially with out fault(whatever)will only create issues down the line.
reminds me of one of the last things msof(mr soldier of fortune, my ex husband)ever said to me: "i married you because you were perfect and now you arent." WTF?!? i didnt even know i was supposed to be keeping up with that expectation or standard. it haunts me to this day.
looking back, i can honestly say that i put zero effort into trying to make msof think i was perfect. that was honestly his own misconception of a good mormon girl who practiced what she preached. he thought since i had these values that some mormon mojo would rub off on him and make his life somehow bullet-proof.
what i am ashamed to say is that when my marriage started falling apart, i attempted to be perfect in all aspects in the misguided notion that if i was better, it would fix whatever was ailing us. so silly.
as you can tell, the book has got me thinking. maybe too much.

so......

i didnt go to the dance. there are a couple of pretty good reasons why, like it was at a church that would take me an hour to get there and the fact that i hated the band that was playing the gig. all things i could have overcome, but decided to bail. still procrastinating posting a profile on ldsmingle or planet. sigh. sometimes i wonder if the issue is mine and the situation would change with an attitude adjustment OR i sometimes consider that i am ABSOLUTELY, 100% RIGHT to stay away from all that stuff. i am racking my brain for any real success story showing that a relationship between two "faithful" lds was forged at a dance or on the internet. i need some examples to build my faith(not really faith, then is it?). anyone KNOW of any couple who is happily married that met at a dance or on the internet? lets hear it!

i like the sound of that

“A happy marriage is a long conversation that always seems too short.”
― Andre Maurois

sigh...

it recently occurred to me that as of this year, i have been divorced longer than i had been married to msof. not upset, just find it kind of curious. it could mean nothing, but it could be saying a lot. i just dont know.
if things had gone as planned, i would be celebrating my second anniversary with mr ex man this august.
i posted a few weeks back about my world tipping and the color draining out-things had calmed down a little,but its all rearing its ugly head again. its really hard to manage because most of it is not my responsibility to fix, but effects me and so many people i love.
one of my dearest friends was admitted to the hospital. one of my best friends children are going through a major crisis. several sisters in our ward are dealing with huge issues like porn and prescription drug addiction. its all weighing on me and i know that i need to manage it, but i am struggling with that. its all just so ugly. so much at one time.
i know i am not necessarily unique. its a scary world and so many are being touched by the ugly darkness.
reading over this post i realize that i am all over the place. jumping from one thing to another. its how my mind is working today. eek.

terms of endearment

i am not talking about the classic tear jerker starring debra winger and shirley maclaine. i am referring to what we call each other when we are(supposedly)in love.

mien schatze is what msof(briefly stationed in germany)called me throughout our short courtship, shorter engagement, and the first half of our too long marriage. the last few years we were together, we got a dog, named her schatze and we started calling each other butthead. it was said with all the love in the world, but we called each other butthead. from the german equivalent of "my sweet one" to butthead. quite a commentary, dont you think?

throughout our marriage, we called each other honey, sweetheart, baby, and even a few goofy ones like boo boo and yogi. i never referred to him as "hubby". when i hear women refer to their husbands as hubby, hubs, or the hubster(not making it up, i swear.)my head just wants to explode. not sure why it irritates me so much, but its one of those things that just drives me insane. i seriously want every woman in the world who uses those ridiculous monikers to just STOP. if you dont know me well enough to refer to your husband by his actual name, then simply say "my husband".

i know, maybe a little to picky, but its a pet peeve of mine. anyone else hate this or am i alone in this?

as a man thinketh, so is he...

if that scripture is the literal truth, then i am a violent murderer. or murderess. i guess it doesnt matter. i seriously want to kill someone. someone specific. i was able to plan the details down to the disposal of his body. why do we do what we do to each other? i know that there are plenty of women who are completely selfish and cruel and do evil things, but on this post, i will be talking about selfish and cruel men. i visit teach a woman whose husband has huge addiction issues. like most addicts, he blames everyone but himself. a half a dozen kids didnt slow him down. she is at the end of her rope. she talks about suicide because she just cant handle it anymore. they have been married for 15 years and she has sought the counsel of 5 different bishops. our bishop is number 6. he calls this guy in and now he is mad at HER. typical addict behavior, but still.
i just keep wondering if things are really getting worse or if it just seems that way because i have access to more information about people in the ward. if i wasnt in the rs presidency, i would probably never hear about most of this stuff. its really disheartening and makes me wonder if getting married is really worth it. is that a logical thought process or simply the adversary effectively distracting me from a worthy goal?

i hate this

i was on the phone early this morning with a good friend who is going through some major family issues. her husband is a difficult jerk who is passing his behavior on to his(their)children. my strong, fun, full of life friend is a shadow of her former self. she is literally a shell. she has no real refuge. her husband treats her with blatant disrespect in front of the kids and rarely backs her up when she attempts discipline. she really is not the meek or door mat type, but in her efforts to be a supportive wife and mother she lost herself and allowed everyone to put her last. why do women allow this to happen? i know i did it in my marriage. when things started going south, i let him convince me it was my fault and altered my behavior to show my support and willingness to create a fulfilling marriage. it was his way of manipulating me and it worked. i hate that it worked. i know that my friend looks back on the last 20 years of her life and hates that it worked on her. i think it was President Hinckley who talked about that if both people in a marriage make an effort each day to ensure the happiness and well being of their spouse, so much unhappiness and divorce would be eliminated. the unfortunate thing is that there is so little of that. people just dont do it. why? why do we take for granted and abuse the one we promised to love and care for above all others. i am rambling again. i hate this.