beware: major 80's cheesy video antics ahead.
random thoughts cross my mind and many times i think that the thought could turn into a really good(or at least decent post). about 75% of the time, i am not where i have access to a computer or even the ability to make a note to myself. the great ideas are lost.
so sad.
i was going through my pages and when i was going through the one dedicated to mr ex man, i realized that its been a while since i have thought of him. he is not totally out of my mind, but he is definitely out of my heart. its weird. 3 years of loving him, thinking we would be married and then all the drama and heartbreak that followed has really occupied a lot of my time. it was the catalyst to start this blog.
the thought occurred to me that it really is over with mr ex man and then the loverboy song started playing in my head.
i think i mentioned that he called me the day dick broke up with me. i tried to be polite, but he was really bugging me to get back together with him. when i told him i had just broken up with someone and i just wasnt in any condition to be talking to him, he freaked out. told me how horrible and selfish i was and that he never knew why he loved me in the first place.
it didnt even hurt. i blocked him in every way i know of. email, phone, etc.
it is over.
ps- i used to wear a bandana around my head like that. it was way stylin in 1982. seriously it was. i think it even pre-dates mike reno from loverboy wearing it.
pps- i saw loverboy in concert in 1985. it was a good show.
pps- i didnt wear the headband to the concert.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
getting sucked in
i have a new calling and part of it is to be a little involved with the single adult "community". for those of you who are unfamiliar or not lds or both or one or the other or just want to know...
when a person turns 18 in the lds faith they generally go to a young single adult ward. if there isnt one available, they might participate in different "fun" activities meant to encourage dating, pairing off, and eventually marriage. its a pretty effective system. most lds people are married off by time they are 21.
if you are a hold out, get divorced, or have the unfortunate circumstance of being widowed after the age of 30 you then "graduate" to single adult group. i heard someone call it the island of misfit toys(you know, rudolph the red nosed reindeer)and i thought that was the funniest and probably most accurate description ever.
they do pretty much the same activities as the young single adults, but its different somehow.
anyway. part of my responsibilities is to know what is going on-activities etc. today i found myself on a dance committee. WHAT THE F.. no, wait. i dont want to say that. well i do, but i wont because its not classy or righteous.
yes. i am on a dance committee. i really got sucked in and i was powerless to stop it. cant wait to see how it all turns out. sigh.
pray for me please.
when a person turns 18 in the lds faith they generally go to a young single adult ward. if there isnt one available, they might participate in different "fun" activities meant to encourage dating, pairing off, and eventually marriage. its a pretty effective system. most lds people are married off by time they are 21.
if you are a hold out, get divorced, or have the unfortunate circumstance of being widowed after the age of 30 you then "graduate" to single adult group. i heard someone call it the island of misfit toys(you know, rudolph the red nosed reindeer)and i thought that was the funniest and probably most accurate description ever.
they do pretty much the same activities as the young single adults, but its different somehow.
anyway. part of my responsibilities is to know what is going on-activities etc. today i found myself on a dance committee. WHAT THE F.. no, wait. i dont want to say that. well i do, but i wont because its not classy or righteous.
yes. i am on a dance committee. i really got sucked in and i was powerless to stop it. cant wait to see how it all turns out. sigh.
pray for me please.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
dreams
the racy kind. definitely not pg-13. starring msof. i hate that. i havent had a dream about him in years and then this? if it was real and someone else...it would have been amazing.
have you ever had one of those dreams and woke up feeling guilty? shortly after msof were married i had a VIVID dream about tgws. i woke up thinking i needed to make an appointment with the bishop. when i realized it was just a dream, i couldnt describe the feeling of relief if i tried.
shortly after my divorce i had a series of explicit dreams about msof. i didnt feel guilty-i felt ANGRY. i never wanted him touching me again and i was dreaming about him? yuck.
after i woke up this morning, i tried to edit the dream and try to find some way that i was mistaken. it was dick, not msof that the amazing dream was about.
dick and msof look nothing alike. at all. it was definitely msof. why? why now? i hope it doesnt happen again tonight.
have you ever had one of those dreams and woke up feeling guilty? shortly after msof were married i had a VIVID dream about tgws. i woke up thinking i needed to make an appointment with the bishop. when i realized it was just a dream, i couldnt describe the feeling of relief if i tried.
shortly after my divorce i had a series of explicit dreams about msof. i didnt feel guilty-i felt ANGRY. i never wanted him touching me again and i was dreaming about him? yuck.
after i woke up this morning, i tried to edit the dream and try to find some way that i was mistaken. it was dick, not msof that the amazing dream was about.
dick and msof look nothing alike. at all. it was definitely msof. why? why now? i hope it doesnt happen again tonight.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
the waver
the single man(a little younger than me, 2 kids, new in the family ward i attend) that i referred to in my last post spoke in church today. he gave a really good talk. i was impressed. before he spoke, i think i caught him looking at me. i was intentionally looking at him and then he ducked his head. i could be imagining it, but i dont think so.
i hear he is very quiet and very shy, but he was able to speak appropriately from the pulpit. people can be weird that way. shy, but able to speak in complete sentences in front of the congregation.
i looked for him after to tell him i liked his talk,but he was nowhere to be found.
i mention that because there are 2 friends in my ward that are literally bugging me to talk to him. i hate taking that first step. i will look-shoot a couple of sparkles from the baby blues. i will smile. i will give all the cues and clues that he(or any man i might be remotely interested in)will not be mocked or rejected if he spoke to me. nada. nothing. zilch.
these friends think he is interested in me, but i find that hard to believe based on historical data. lol. historical data. where the heck did that come from?
so i emailed him. got his email from the ward directory and emailed him that i liked his talk. 3 or 4 lines-pretty direct, not flirty. one very mild joke. it will be interesting to see if he responds. i havent told my friends i did it yet. i think they will freak like you see jr high girls do when they get all excited their friend said hi to the cute boy in the hallway at school.
is it weird that when it all boils down to it,what i really want is for dick to come back. is it counter intuitive to email another guy when you are hoping and praying someone else comes back?
i hear he is very quiet and very shy, but he was able to speak appropriately from the pulpit. people can be weird that way. shy, but able to speak in complete sentences in front of the congregation.
i looked for him after to tell him i liked his talk,but he was nowhere to be found.
i mention that because there are 2 friends in my ward that are literally bugging me to talk to him. i hate taking that first step. i will look-shoot a couple of sparkles from the baby blues. i will smile. i will give all the cues and clues that he(or any man i might be remotely interested in)will not be mocked or rejected if he spoke to me. nada. nothing. zilch.
these friends think he is interested in me, but i find that hard to believe based on historical data. lol. historical data. where the heck did that come from?
so i emailed him. got his email from the ward directory and emailed him that i liked his talk. 3 or 4 lines-pretty direct, not flirty. one very mild joke. it will be interesting to see if he responds. i havent told my friends i did it yet. i think they will freak like you see jr high girls do when they get all excited their friend said hi to the cute boy in the hallway at school.
is it weird that when it all boils down to it,what i really want is for dick to come back. is it counter intuitive to email another guy when you are hoping and praying someone else comes back?
Saturday, February 19, 2011
invisible
do you ever feel like you are invisible? i have thought myself invisible(to most, not all)for years. msof didnt see me and once we divorced the feeling remained. who saw me? i mean, really saw me? there have been a few things that have occurred in the ensuing years that have shown me that i truly am not invisible, but the sensation of wearing harry potters invisibility cloak still lingered.
in recent months there have been 3 different incidents that have driven the point home that i am certainly not invisible and just because i dont know who someone is doesnt mean they dont know who i am.
1. a missionary(i am old enough to be his mother)who i have never actually met, called me by name and mentioned something i said or did(cant remember now)weeks prior that i have no idea how he knew about it. he also said something about how cool i am. flattering(i think).
2. my dry cleaners is in a strip mall(arent they all?)that has the normal stuff like a blockbuster, a chinese takeout, and a chain hair salon. i am walking out of the dry cleaners with my hands full of my clothes and the huge purse i have been carrying lately and as i approach my car i see that someone in the car parked next to mine is leaning over the console in his car and waving at me through the closed passenger window. it takes me 2 seconds to realize its a single(divorced, 2 kids)man who had moved into my ward about 6 months ago. we had never met and the only reason i knew who he was is that the other single women were on high alert the second he walked into the building. apparently he was getting his hair cut while i was picking up dry cleaning. like i said, my hands were full-so i found myself waving a handful of dresses and shirts on hangers, wrapped in plastic at him. i felt ridiculous, but what else could i have done?
3. i was called to a stake position. as a single woman, over 30(way over)in a family ward-i can deftly fly under the radar. INVISIBLE. without any prior notice, i was called into the stake presidents office and given a calling.
i guess i am not invisible-its especially nice when a single guy seems to notice. the jury is still out on the stake calling(kind of overwhelming, but i am trying) and i just shake my head and laugh a little and the young elder.
in recent months there have been 3 different incidents that have driven the point home that i am certainly not invisible and just because i dont know who someone is doesnt mean they dont know who i am.
1. a missionary(i am old enough to be his mother)who i have never actually met, called me by name and mentioned something i said or did(cant remember now)weeks prior that i have no idea how he knew about it. he also said something about how cool i am. flattering(i think).
2. my dry cleaners is in a strip mall(arent they all?)that has the normal stuff like a blockbuster, a chinese takeout, and a chain hair salon. i am walking out of the dry cleaners with my hands full of my clothes and the huge purse i have been carrying lately and as i approach my car i see that someone in the car parked next to mine is leaning over the console in his car and waving at me through the closed passenger window. it takes me 2 seconds to realize its a single(divorced, 2 kids)man who had moved into my ward about 6 months ago. we had never met and the only reason i knew who he was is that the other single women were on high alert the second he walked into the building. apparently he was getting his hair cut while i was picking up dry cleaning. like i said, my hands were full-so i found myself waving a handful of dresses and shirts on hangers, wrapped in plastic at him. i felt ridiculous, but what else could i have done?
3. i was called to a stake position. as a single woman, over 30(way over)in a family ward-i can deftly fly under the radar. INVISIBLE. without any prior notice, i was called into the stake presidents office and given a calling.
i guess i am not invisible-its especially nice when a single guy seems to notice. the jury is still out on the stake calling(kind of overwhelming, but i am trying) and i just shake my head and laugh a little and the young elder.
Friday, February 18, 2011
hanging
out with friends tonight. i am really tired, but i am going anyway! i remember the days when my nights didnt get started until 10, now....i like to be home by 10 or i feel slightly panicked. weird how things change.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
ceasing to pray
we are told to pray with out ceasing. i havent ceased in nearly 2 months. is it ok to take a break? just be still and quiet? how many ways can you ask for something? how many ways can you pose a question to deity?
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