Wednesday, February 25, 2009

what day is this?

i know its only been a few days. maybe 4, but it seems like forever since i have talked or text'd mr ex man. he said something mean and horrible and totally out of line. i told him i would never talk to him again. i meant it. no matter how angry one gets, you cant talk that way to anyone. especially the one you love. or claim to, anyway. the silly girl in me keeps thinking he will call or text. sincerely apologize. i would forgive. silly girl. my trip to his neck of the woods is set. at this rate, he will never know i was there. silly girl. just want him to call so i can tell him. and be happy about it. even without seeing him this trip is going to be good. sigh.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

thats right NO SEX

i have been divorced for many,many years. there have been a few times that i considered wavering on my comittment to keeping the law a chastity, but ended up sticking it out. i am amazed by people in the church who find this such an amazing feat. am i some shrivled up prude who never cared about sex in the first place? no. not just no, HELL NO. that is an aspect of my marriage that i truly enjoyed. one of the few things we managed to do well, but as we all know, sex cannot save a marriage when all else is lacking. might drag it out a little...i digress. i understood when my non member friends thought i was crazy for not having sex. common worldy views is that you cannot built a successful relationship without having sex and making sure you are compatible in bed(or wherever else you might get your groove on).but when members. temple recommend holders(in some cases)that questioned my comittment to this important doctorine. threw me right back to high school. slapping boys hands away. many members choose to have sex outside marriage. some have good reasons. maybe their wives were fridgid prudes and they want to make sure it doesnt happen again. maybe they are just lazy and horney and doing what the "natural man" would do. i dont know and i dont judge, but i wish they wouldnt judge me. tell me i am immature and running away from forming a grown up adult relationship. i totally disagree. it is a fine line to walk. to ask the right questions and prayerfully consider what you discover and trust that if anything comes up(or doesnt, whatever the case may be)that you can work it out. i guess for some, thats too big of a risk. to me, running fast and loose with that stuff and the spiritual consequences is too big a risk. mr ex man and i negotiated all of that so well. i knew that our life in that area would be fulfilling and exciting. we spoke openly,but within righteous boundaries. no cyber or phone sex for us. plenty of flirting and honest communication about what we both wanted. at the time, it all seemed really good. very compatitable. instead of being worried or freaked out i was looking forward to the time when we would be engaging in a righteous sex life. i truly believe that not only is that possible, its what we all should be shooting for. what could be better?

Monday, February 23, 2009

light at the end of the tunnel

whew. finally feeling better. i cant believe how long that drug on. all thoughts of jumping off the nearest cliff have have been quieted by a much stronger body and a slightly healthier mind.
i wish i could say the same of my heart. its numb from the repeated breaking. mr ex man is doing the most exit damage he can do. stuff that should never be said. ever. even if it was true(its not), good taste and basic manners would dictate not saying it. i found out saturday that in less than a months time i can be in mr ex mans town. its a whole series of coincidences and blessings. still not sure, but i could have a free ride and room and board AND get to see this lovely couple sealed for time and all eternity. and maybe see mr ex man. i want to call and tell him, but i just dont think its a good idea. i am doing a lot of praying. will dedicate my fast next week to this situation and pray for the answers to be revealed to me. i truly want the right thing. Heavenly Father's will. and if that could mean me and mr ex man being together and happy-I WANT THAT!!!

Sunday, February 15, 2009

sinking further

i dont think anyone could call me bitter. i have known some bitter people, i wouldnt count myself amongst them, but i feel it coming. even in my own family i am on the outside. my brother starts talking about a huge family event, like i know what he's talking about. when i ask a clarifying question he gets this "oh shit" look on his face. my sister pipes in "i told you!" which i reply "you did not".we come from a family of fakers. i usually go along with it;"oh yeah you did, i forgot, silly me", but not this time. it was huge and no one told me. i hate that. i have been on the bottom of the information totem pole in this family for a while. i hate it. i dont want them to change it because they think i am mad. i would really like to think that someone would remember to tell me this stuff. really important stuff. are you getting that its really important? man! i just want to be anyone but myself right now. forget that. i would like to cease to exist. that sounds so depressing, but its how i feel right now. not just for this incident-thats just the cherry on top-my whole life right now. i cant see my way clear and i hate that. i really have no one to share it with. everyone has their own problems. big problems that they have to deal with. sigh.


Friday, February 13, 2009

valentines day. ugh

i am not one of those girls who places huge importance on valentines day. the men in my life have generally acknowledged it in nice ways. nothing too over the top, but certainly didnt ignore me or the holiday. this year seems different. mr ex man has got me wore out. i am sure he will do nothing. he claims to love me, yet places the entire burden of the success or downfall of our relationship on me. yesterday was a rough day. heated conversations. text arguing throughout the day. ignoring. woke up to a text. not a nice one. trying to combat with love-does that even make sense? i am a fighter by nature, but its out of me. i dont have the strength. i just text'd back that i loved him. was praying for the right things to manifest themselves and that i was trying to be still. stillness. another thing that is so difficult for me. i just want to get to the end. if we are going to go our seperate ways for good, lets DO IT. stop wasting time. if we are going to make it work-lets DO IT and stop this nonesense. i think i am getting in the way of Heavenly Father. not that he can be stopped, but probably teaching me a lesson. just thought this whole relationship was the reward for everything up to this point. not that it was perfect, just perfect for me. now its anything but perfect.
there is another boy who loves me.he has a whole different set of issues that keep him from the life he should make for himself. he is a grown man controlled by his mother. he sends me cards and gifts and calls me every day, but cannot break away since his mother disapproves of any of her children being in any sort of relationship. 4 kids. small lds town.none of them married. i have met other people from that town and his family is considered the weirdos. am i a magnet or what?

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

sad sad girl

i have been avoiding this blog. when i started it, i wanted it to be witty and fun, but i have been anything but witty and fun. i have been sick,depressed, and dealing with mr ex man. all of these things have taken the spark out of my personality. i had the flu for about 2 weeks, got over it(finally)felt pretty good for about 3 days and now have this killer cold that is draining the life out of me. during all of this mr ex man has been texting me. i think i have mentioned before that we rarely talk anymore. there are a host of reasons. mine and his, but they are all lame and just stand in the way of any real resolution. he has a few kids and claims he cannot devote time to talking to me on the phone. i find this ridiculous. how can he show his children that he is building a relationship if they dont see him doing it? we are a ldr(long distance relationship) and in the beginning he was a true gentleman pursuing me in the sweetest ways. he came to visit and after that he kind of freaked out. i guess his ex wife accused him of neglecting the kids since he went away for a weekend to visit me. the whole situation with his ex wife and kids is weird. i have told him i am not willing to deal with the situation as he has it now. he calls it his "delicate balance". i call it complete bs. the details would probably bore you to death, so i will spare you, but something i had forgotten about until i was watching oprah today-was that i think he cheated on me. ldr's make this tricky territory. we had discussed being exclusive, but made no declarations. once he got home he asked me to marry him and we planned for a wedding for aprox. 4 months later(true lds style lol).things got crazy and he totally withdrew. i tell you this to get the the point of that i think he cheated.i am sure, as a man, he would say it wasnt cheating, but when the good doctor on oprah gave the list of signs that a man is cheating, there were a few that stood out and fit mr ex man to a t. he sent me a text today referring me to a marshall tucker band song about driving to georgia and jumping off a cliff because of what his woman was doing to him. we did a lot of communicating through youtube-very romantic song dedication type stuff. he's grasping at straws. he has been so angry and it never seem proportional to the situation. i was just sad and trying to find a way to make this all work. i loved him so much. i am thinking the angery might be guilt. dont know for sure, but the "a-ha moment"(as oprah calls it)with the "why men cheat" show, really opened my eyes. the funny thing is, that i brought this up to him-him seeing other people and he denied it(of course),but his facebook,ldslinkup, and myspace was littered with too many women. i know i am rambling. i dont even want to go back and edit this. it will be a mess. one final thought. to the general public, they will think nothing of it. heck, some lds people wont think much of it, but it occured to me today that maybe he had sex with someone and that the guilt is part of his anger and also his urgent need to get me there and go through with his "evil plan" for us to elope and then go to the temple a year later. once married, he wouldnt have to do the whole church court thing(i dont think, i know a friend who went through a similar thing). anyway. enough rambling. sigh.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

mr ex man

i remember years ago reading a quote that said something like this: the opposite of love is not hate,its indifference. its really hitting home with mr ex man. i hate him. i love him. no one has inspired such euphoria or rage in me. ever. long distance relationships suck. i never really thought that until him. relationship dysfunction takes on a whole new facet when distance is a factor. we have been reduced to fighting via text. we hardly ever speak. of course we get nowhere.i have never argued so much and gotten nowhere.he can be such a jerk. i am sure he thinks i can be equally jerky.all this nightmarish stuff goes through my head. he still loves his ex.he will always say no to me.he will allow his kids to ruin our has been almost a year since we have seen each other. he is less than 2 hrs away by plane. as i type this, i see how ridiculous it is. why am i even hanging on? i had a confirmation. aaaahhhhhh-the confirmation. this is mormonspeak for God personally speaking to you. not moses on mount sinai speaking, but speaking nonetheless. mr ex man says he had the confirmation too. he now calls it the curse. sweet, eh?

Monday, February 2, 2009

teaching in relief society

how is this for irony? the single chick gets to teach a lesson about sexual fulfillment in relief society yesterday. ha! it actually went well. got lots of compliments. even the bishops wife made positive comments to the relief society president. it was direct, no holds barred. i actually said the word "sex". can you believe that? everyone was very receptive. the comments kept coming and the whole lesson flowed. i am disappointed that i didnt get to half of what i prepared, but i really feel that the spirit led the discussion where it needed to go. we have one loose cannon sister that we PRAYED would not give TMI, but she was great. she even gave this great comment with a super smart analogy. whew. i had anxiety over that lesson for 2 weeks. prayed dilligently. prayers are answered.