Wednesday, February 11, 2009

sad sad girl

i have been avoiding this blog. when i started it, i wanted it to be witty and fun, but i have been anything but witty and fun. i have been sick,depressed, and dealing with mr ex man. all of these things have taken the spark out of my personality. i had the flu for about 2 weeks, got over it(finally)felt pretty good for about 3 days and now have this killer cold that is draining the life out of me. during all of this mr ex man has been texting me. i think i have mentioned before that we rarely talk anymore. there are a host of reasons. mine and his, but they are all lame and just stand in the way of any real resolution. he has a few kids and claims he cannot devote time to talking to me on the phone. i find this ridiculous. how can he show his children that he is building a relationship if they dont see him doing it? we are a ldr(long distance relationship) and in the beginning he was a true gentleman pursuing me in the sweetest ways. he came to visit and after that he kind of freaked out. i guess his ex wife accused him of neglecting the kids since he went away for a weekend to visit me. the whole situation with his ex wife and kids is weird. i have told him i am not willing to deal with the situation as he has it now. he calls it his "delicate balance". i call it complete bs. the details would probably bore you to death, so i will spare you, but something i had forgotten about until i was watching oprah today-was that i think he cheated on me. ldr's make this tricky territory. we had discussed being exclusive, but made no declarations. once he got home he asked me to marry him and we planned for a wedding for aprox. 4 months later(true lds style lol).things got crazy and he totally withdrew. i tell you this to get the the point of that i think he cheated.i am sure, as a man, he would say it wasnt cheating, but when the good doctor on oprah gave the list of signs that a man is cheating, there were a few that stood out and fit mr ex man to a t. he sent me a text today referring me to a marshall tucker band song about driving to georgia and jumping off a cliff because of what his woman was doing to him. we did a lot of communicating through youtube-very romantic song dedication type stuff. he's grasping at straws. he has been so angry and it never seem proportional to the situation. i was just sad and trying to find a way to make this all work. i loved him so much. i am thinking the angery might be guilt. dont know for sure, but the "a-ha moment"(as oprah calls it)with the "why men cheat" show, really opened my eyes. the funny thing is, that i brought this up to him-him seeing other people and he denied it(of course),but his facebook,ldslinkup, and myspace was littered with too many women. i know i am rambling. i dont even want to go back and edit this. it will be a mess. one final thought. to the general public, they will think nothing of it. heck, some lds people wont think much of it, but it occured to me today that maybe he had sex with someone and that the guilt is part of his anger and also his urgent need to get me there and go through with his "evil plan" for us to elope and then go to the temple a year later. once married, he wouldnt have to do the whole church court thing(i dont think, i know a friend who went through a similar thing). anyway. enough rambling. sigh.

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