Friday, February 13, 2009

valentines day. ugh

i am not one of those girls who places huge importance on valentines day. the men in my life have generally acknowledged it in nice ways. nothing too over the top, but certainly didnt ignore me or the holiday. this year seems different. mr ex man has got me wore out. i am sure he will do nothing. he claims to love me, yet places the entire burden of the success or downfall of our relationship on me. yesterday was a rough day. heated conversations. text arguing throughout the day. ignoring. woke up to a text. not a nice one. trying to combat with love-does that even make sense? i am a fighter by nature, but its out of me. i dont have the strength. i just text'd back that i loved him. was praying for the right things to manifest themselves and that i was trying to be still. stillness. another thing that is so difficult for me. i just want to get to the end. if we are going to go our seperate ways for good, lets DO IT. stop wasting time. if we are going to make it work-lets DO IT and stop this nonesense. i think i am getting in the way of Heavenly Father. not that he can be stopped, but probably teaching me a lesson. just thought this whole relationship was the reward for everything up to this point. not that it was perfect, just perfect for me. now its anything but perfect.
there is another boy who loves me.he has a whole different set of issues that keep him from the life he should make for himself. he is a grown man controlled by his mother. he sends me cards and gifts and calls me every day, but cannot break away since his mother disapproves of any of her children being in any sort of relationship. 4 kids. small lds town.none of them married. i have met other people from that town and his family is considered the weirdos. am i a magnet or what?

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