Tuesday, September 25, 2012

the path of least resistance

i am about to confess something that i find very difficult to admit...i have low self esteem.  i fake it pretty well and i would have to say that i can acknowledge my finer points(i do believe i have them), but it is always easier to believe the worst.
i think being SO willing to take the blame is a girl/woman thing. maybe its more of a mormon-girl/woman thing.
i was watching dr drew a week or so ago and he had on 3 authors. 2 women co-wrote a book called 'DUMPED' and the other was a man(forget his name), who has written on the "secrets" of men. i guess he is a self proclaimed traitor of men-revealing all the things men really think and why they do certain things and how women can manage a successful relationship with one of those creatures. the reason i mention this is that one thing he said really caught my attention(which was difficult to do since the women kept talking over him and trying to disprove everything he said); he said that 98% of the time when a man leaves,breaks up, dumps a woman it has nothing to do with her-its his own insecurities.
i found this interesting since i was running down the check list of all the possible reasons dick left and eventually married another woman. the basics: too old, not a size 2, not independently wealthy, blah, blah, blah. then i would move on to other possibilities like the tone of my voice may have come across too judgmental when discussing important topics or the fact that i didnt think i wanted to have children(his wife has 3)or asking him about his kids. logically, i know this list is ridiculous, but it still haunts me. when i am in full possession of my logical mind, i remind myself of  the women that i do know that happen to be a size 2, blonde, have oodles of kids, etc and they are no more successful in their relationships.
i am rambling. i do that. sorry.
any way, when presented with an opinion by a man that practically invites to let myself off the blame hook, it is EASIER to believe that it was my fault.
i am smart enough to fight it. remind myself of the truth and refocus my efforts to moving on and giving myself a break.
when dick broke up with me the 2 friends i  confided in both said in one way or another that  he freaked out and bolted. now they are in possession of facts that i have not confided here on my blog-their theory makes total sense because of those facts. also ties into what the dude on dr drew said.
sometimes you just dont know the reasons and you have to accept it. 
i hate that.

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

wisdom or senility?

after sacrament i was sitting in the back pew chatting with a friend, when hank, our wards loveable, old guy(think clint eastwood with a testimony)stopped, put his hand gently on my arm and said "there is a good man out there somewhere that just doesnt know what he is missing in you. i hope he figures it out soon." he squeezed my arm and walked away. how sweet was that?

Monday, September 10, 2012

mormon chick still cooks

yum. yum.yum.   i had these hawaiin ham and cheese sandwiches at a baby shower and about passed out from the deliciousness. simple. easy. fast. how can you go wrong with that?  you cant!!!
i tripled the recipe and made it for a family gathering and even the pickiest eaters loved them.


Tuesday, September 4, 2012

what a drag

since my last few posts have been all DRAMA and sadness, i tried to post a yummy recipe or two, but since blogger has changed, i can figure out the format. its driving me crazy!!!!
i have been trying new recipes since i have become addicted to pinterest. i love, love, love pinterest!  if you are unaware of what i am talking about, do yourself a favor and do a google search. :)

Monday, September 3, 2012

the lies we tell ourselves

despite my best, valiant efforts to erase all memories of dick and all that concerns him, he creeps back in.  it getting progressively better-my heart no longer physically aches; a big bonus.
as you may have noticed, i am a talker. its how i process things.  i have worked out so many things while talking to a few select friends, sometimes have a light bulb moment mid conversation.
i am uncharacteristically quiet(and by quiet i mean i have only had one conversation w/one friend) this time. i think part of the reason is because i cannot seem to unravel the dick situation in my head. i cant even find the tail so i can start to unwind it. every reasonable hypothesis is immediately contradicted by a random fact that cannot be disputed. not to mention the confirmations. lets review the confirmations of smc...
mr soldier of fortune:  my memory concerning the prayers i offered about marrying him are a little fuzzy, but in my minds eye, i can see myself kneeling by my twin bed in my room in my parents house and sincerely asking if i should marry him. the answer i received was yes. i remember the peace i felt and the smile on my face that could not be contained as my father escorted me down the left aisle in our ward building.
mr nice guy: i dont remember praying about him, but he showed up on the scene right around the time i was going through a major personal crisis. he was sweet. he was kind. it seemed like an answer to a prayer that i never prayed.
mr ex man:  at this point i have a divorce, 2 serious relationships, and a few not so serious relationships under my belt. we hit it off, but i was uber-conscientious about what i wanted and how important having a heavenly seal approval on my choice was to me.  i felt good about this relationship and actually had a sweet spiritual experience in the temple regarding my decision to go forward.
dick: i met him more than 2 years after mr ex man. there were a few random dates and things that were interesting, but never went anywhere. no prayer or confirmations needed.  i governed myself(since i was taught correct principles). back to dick. i did not consider him as a serious possibility at first, but he was tenacious and his charm grew on me. considering all the past failures and my advancing years, i did not want to screw up this time. i prayed the whole time to "know the truth in all things"; to be guided to know if it was a good thing to be with him. i got the green light every time. i checked back to confirm. i studied. i searched out scriptures and general conference talks on the subject. i prayed about what i read and how it related to my growing relationship with dick. i can remember times silently praying to myself while he was talking to me, asking for the power of discernment. i dont feel i can justifiably deny what the Holy Ghost told me. I just cant. HOWEVER i cannot wrap my head around what has happened. it doesnt make sense. it contradicts everything. and. i. just. dont. get. it.
knowing that Heavenly Father knows the end from the beginning, i wonder why he didnt clue me in. did i need another heartbreak of this magnitude? i dont think so.  i truly dont.
oh yeah. i recently discovered that dick is married again.