Sunday, February 28, 2010

to all the boys

loralee over at loralees loony tunes wrote a post a while ago that got me thinking about all the guys who thought i was pretty, beautiful, or just plain gorgeous.
i have talked about this before-claiming physical beauty is a tricky thing.
i have always been told i am pretty, but when i look in the mirror, i generally dont get it. i am not talking about low self esteem or a skewed view of myself. i just wonder what they see that i dont.
dont get me wrong. hearing that you are pretty is a good thing, but...but...BUT. what good has it done me?
pretty didnt save my marriage. pretty hasnt gotten me a 2nd husband. lots of dates, a few boyfriends, but no 2nd husband.
all the beauty the professed to see in me dissipated quite quickly when i didnt give them the attention they required or go their way on life changing decisions.
i guess its better than having a huge goiter hanging from my neck.

my favoirite hymn

i have always loved this hymn, but i dont necessarily care for the more subdued arrangements. when i was a kid, the choir director really got people to sing it out and when he arranged it for the ward choir it was AMAZING! we sang it in sacrament today. cant remember the last time it was part of the program-it was good to sing it.

Saturday, February 27, 2010

stupid, dumb, and ugly

thats what a good friend of mine calls "boys". including her husband. who she truly loves, but like we all do, gets mad(occasionally)at the man she loves.
mr great white north is being sweet and charming and i have having fun flirting with him, but i am not letting him get away with the disappearing act. his explanation is not complete, but sufficient to satisfy me. for now.
i told him that he owes me nothing, but courtesy. i am not trying to imply a relationship that doesnt exist or force something that needs to occur in a more natural way, but dropping off the face of the earth while making plans that he initiated is not cool.
what is wrong with people?

Thursday, February 25, 2010

big ole surpise

earlier today i heard the old familiar "ping" of my yahoo messenger. i cant even remember the last time this has happened. all my friends and family text me and i systematically eliminated or blocked everyone else. ie: the men. except one. mr great white north. why did i exclude him from the cut? i am not really sure. probably because i see him as harmless. i met him just a few months before mr ex man on one of the lds dating sites. i had a blast im'ing and speaking with him on the phone, but after i met mr ex man and things were progressing so well, i let mr great white north what was going on. i could tell he was disappointed, but respected the fact i was telling him in an upfront way. well, that was a few years ago and he has popped up here and there. it was like he had some sort of radar letting him know exactly when mr ex man and i broke up. he frequently travels my way for business and about 6 months ago he asked me if we could make plans for him to come visit. where i was hesitant in the past, i was completely open to it at the time. he is fun. he is sweet. the fact that he is 10 years older and still has a little of that old fashioned gentleman in him is a big plus for me, but the fun, sweet gentleman disappeared. simply dropped off the face of the earth. one day he was there the next he was gone. i missed talking to him, but kind of like mr jack mormon, i wasnt in love with him. my heart wasnt broken, but i was irritated he did not give me the same courtesy i gave him. today was the first time i had heard from him. same ole mr great white north. said he missed me and that he was sorry he dropped out, etc. his life is a mess(his words, not mine)and i would never get seriously involved with him, but he his fun to talk to. i like how it sounds when he calls me "baby" or "doll" with his canadian accent. will have to see how it works out. heck, for all i know, he will disappear again.

i like the sound of that

“A happy marriage is a long conversation that always seems too short.”
― Andre Maurois

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

lesser of the two evils.

sooooooooooo. been playing with the idea of of breaking the dating hiatus, but not sure how to do it. i think calling mr jack mormon is just a bad idea all around, but that would be a gimme. creating a profile on an lds dating site seems like an effort in futility, BUT based on previous experience i could probably get "out there" pretty quick. the other option is a sa activity. bear with me as i retch. ok, we all know it wouldnt be THAT bad, but maybe if i was able to muster up a pioneer,can-do attitude it would be a great experience. yeah right. sorry. forgot about the can do attitude. funny enough, an old friend(i have to write a post about her,she did some crazy stuff, but seems happy now) that got married about a year ago asked me to meet her at a sa dance because her husband is playing the event. to me, this has trouble written all over it. even though i named three "evils", i am taking mr jack mormon out of the running and boiling it down to either going to the dance or creating the profile. not that either would be a means to an end, just thinking its time to do something. any thoughts? suggestions? opinions?

Monday, February 22, 2010

good advice?

in anticipation of possibly breaking the dating hiatus, i am reading "how to marry the man of your choice" by margaret kent. i havent gotten very far. some of the advice seemed really old school like the chapter titled "interviewing him for the job of husband." i went to the front of the book and discovered that is was written in 1984 and revised and updated in 2005. mrs kent claims she used all the ideas in her book to get her husband. i am a little wary and doubtful.

Saturday, February 20, 2010

one of the many weird things about me

i enjoy listening to car talk on npr. i think those guys are so funny and i love how they really seem to know everything about every kind of car. they are really patient with people who dont know anything about cars or fixing them. people like me. i am no shade tree mechanic. i dont ever want to actually fix a car, but i will listen to them for an hour talking mechanics. i know. weird. kind of like the bob costas thing.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

smc cooks- yep, in the kitchen again

i am a pretty good cook. i am normally confident about trying new recipes because 99% of the time i am successful. i was totally disappointed in myself when i messed up(not once, but TWICE)a simple recipe with only three ingredients.

caramel sauce
1 cup of sugar
6 tbs butter
10 tbs heavy cream
how could i mess that up? i dont know, but i did. twice. i googled a bunch of different recipes to try and figure out where i kept going wrong. the following instructions are what i pieced together to make my sauce a success. successful sauce. lol
melt(i think the term "melt" is important. only one recipe mentioned in and i think that is what finally clicked with me) the sugar in a medium sized, heavy sauce pan. all the recipes i read said to heat it on medium high heat, but on my electric stove i put the burner on 3. to me, that is LOW, but it just might be my stove. both times i heated on med/high, i got a mess of crystallized sugar.i hate electric stoves, but you gotta work with what you got, right?
any way, melt the sugar, stirring it regularly. the recipes say 'constantly', but my experience showed me to wait for it to melt a little bit, then start stirring. i walked away several times to allow the sugar to melt a little bit more between stirrings. basically, this is a controlled burn of the sugar. you keep letting it "burn" until it reaches a caramel color. the different recipes i looked at talked about waiting for bubbles around the edge to turn amber or mahogany, but that never worked for me. i just kept melting and stirring and the sugar turned a caramel color. voila!
add the butter-it will get all sizzle-y , so be prepared! once the butter has melted and is completely incorporated, you turn off the heat and then add the heavy cream. really watch out because it really bubbles up. you need to keep stirring, stirring, stirring. i switched to a whisk at this point-not completely necessary, but it made it easier. add about a tsp of vanilla and about a tsp salt(kosher if you have it). i added a pinch more salt- the sweet/salty thing with caramel is especially good.
within a few minutes you will have caramel sauce. beautiful, delicious caramel sauce.
i will never buy the hfcs(high fructose corn syrup)crap again! now that i know what i am doing, i will make this stuff whenever i need caramel sauce. its so good that i sometimes just eat a spoonful of it all about itself. yummy!

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

the heart of the matter

this song has so many great lines. classic, really. i love

"what are all these voices outside loves open door
make us throw off our contentment and beg for something more?


"ah, the trust and self assurance that lead to happiness are the very things we kill, i guess. ahh pride and competition cannot fill these empty arms and the work i put between us, you know, it doesnt keep me warm"

"The End of the Innocence" was released in 1989 and my metal chick-ness kept it off my radar until a few years later when msof and i separated for about a year. this song didnt really speak to our situation, but it was about breaking up and moving on and my heart ached every time i heard it.
i heard it in the car today and it made me think of mr ex man. some lines more than others. i came home and watched it on youtube 3 times in a row, belting it out in my pathetic, talentless, voice.

charles dickens

“Have a heart that never hardens, a temper that never tires, a touch that never hurts.”
Charles Dickens

Monday, February 15, 2010

smc cooks with martha stewart

one of my favorite people gave me the martha stewart new classics cookbook. as a thank you for the lovely gift, i wanted to make her something from the book and decided on the truffle brownies on page 543. if you dont have the book, you can find it here.

truffle brownies
adapted from martha stewart, the new classics
* 4 tablespoons unsalted butter, plus more for pan
* 3 ounces good-quality unsweetened chocolate, coarsely chopped
* 1/2 cup all-purpose flour
* 1/4 teaspoon baking powder
* 1/2 teaspoon salt
* 1 cup sugar
* 2 large eggs
* 1/4 cup milk
* 1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
* 4 ounces good-quality semisweet chocolate, coarsely chopped
* 2/3 cup heavy cream
* Heart-shaped sprinkles, for garnish


1. Preheat oven to 325 degrees. Butter a 9-inch springform pan, and set aside.
2. Make batter: Put butter and chocolate in a heatproof medium bowl set over a pan of simmering water; stir until melted. Let cool slightly.
3. Whisk together flour, baking powder, and salt in a separate bowl; set aside.
4. Put sugar and eggs in the bowl of an electric mixer fitted with the whisk attachment, and beat on medium speed until pale and fluffy, about 4 minutes. Add chocolate mixture, milk, and vanilla, and beat until combined. Add flour mixture; beat, scraping down sides of bowl, until well incorporated.
5. Pour batter into prepared pan. Bake until a cake tester inserted into brownies (avoid center and edges) comes out with a few crumbs but is not wet, 27 to 30 minutes. Let cool completely in pan.
6. Make topping when brownies are cool: Put chocolate in a medium bowl. Heat cream in a small saucepan over medium-high heat until just simmering. Pour over chocolate; let stand 5 minutes. Gently stir until smooth. Allow ganache to cool, stirring every 10 minutes, until slightly thickened, 25 to 30 minutes.
7. Pour ganache over cooled brownies in pan; let set, about 20 minutes. Refrigerate until cold, 30 minutes to 1 hour. Let brownies stand at room temperature at least 15 minutes before serving. Lift out brownies; cut into wedges, wiping knife with a hot, damp cloth between each cut. Scatter sprinkles on top.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

housework and high heels

walking in high heels is a skill. a skill that i developed fairly early in life. despite being almost six feet tall, i didnt mind putting on 3 inch heels,even as i grew up and worked a job that kept me on my feet for 8 hours a day.

msof was my height, but thought it was sexy for me to wear the heels, even if it mean i towered over him. getting married, not going to church, and living in a small rural town got me out of the habit of wearing high heels. i lost the skill.

lately i have been breaking out the strappy sandals and sexy pumps. 5'11" is not that unusual in a woman anymore, but adding 3 inches makes me taller than all the women and many of the men in my ward. i am used to it, but i always get a few comments like "wow! you are TALL." the observational skills can be amazing.

i can be kind of a klutz, so getting back into the heels makes me a little nervous. i have never actually fallen or had anything else embarrassing happen, but what once came as natural as walking barefoot, takes a little more concentration now. if i am teaching or giving a talk, i always wear flats. i do not want to be teetering over the pulpit-i also dont like standing there while they push the button to raise the pulpit so i dont have to bend over to the microphone.

i got caught off guard a few months ago when i was asked to give the opening prayer in sacrament meeting. heck! if they would have called me the night before i would have been prepared with flats! walking the length of the chapel, up the couple of steps to the pulpit made me a little nervous-i kind of had visions of sandra bullock in miss congeniality tripping on the cat walk. of course i made it just fine. like i said, i havent ever actually fallen in high heels, but there is always a first time.

if you made it this far you might be asking why in the h-e-double hockey sticks am i rambling on about wearing high heels. i am kind of asking myself how i got off on this tangent,but i know what started it.

my new place is smaller and storage is at a premium, so i have been stashing my "church shoes" under my bed. some are in their original boxes and others are just sitting under there in pairs. i was doing some cleaning and i noticed the toe of one of my black strappy, 3 inch heels sticking out from under my bed. i decided to pull them out and put them on. no matter that i was doing chores in the t-shirt i wore to bed the night before.

is it silly to be prancing around the house in high heels and a t-shirt? yes. yes it is, but girls do goofy things sometimes when no one is around. i didnt really even consider the goofiness until i was kneeling on one leg on my bed to pull the sheet over to the last corner against the wall. it struck me that this would be one of those bizarre moments that my husband(if i had one. msof would have LOVED IT)would have found very sexy. it could have been in the genre of meeting your husband at the door on valentines day in nothing but a trench coat or a french maids uniform. men are so silly. i got up off the bed and took the strappy high heels off. i finished my housework in bare feet.

Friday, February 12, 2010

bob costas is my valentine

i am sure his wife wont mind.
why bob costas? i am not sure. he is really not my type with his brooks brothers blazers and the super conservative side parted hair. also, i hate sports, but i could listen to him talk sports all night long. i would not kick him out of bed for quoting stats(thats a sports word, right?)or commenting on an instant replay. another weird thing is i think he is really short and i just dont care. i love him. he is so smart and what kind of magic must he have to make me want to watch sports just to hear him speak? serious magic.

ahhhh love

“Love is always bestowed as a gift―freely, willingly, and without expectation. We don’t love to be loved; we love to love.”
― Leo F. Buscaglia

Thursday, February 11, 2010

pepsi throwback

i love that i have a little pepsi ad on my blog. i hardly ever drink pop anymore because i am a hater of high fructose corn syrup. i think it alters the taste and creates a burn as it goes down your throat.
imagine my surprise and excitement when pepsi rolled out pepsi throwback. its the old formula with plain ole sugar! not all stores carried it, so it took me a little while to track it down, but when i did-YUMMY! it really threw me back to when i was a kid. it tasted exactly the same and no hfcs burn.
its only around for a limited time, so i am enjoying it while i can. i think they are doing mountain dew throwback too-i hate mountain dew, but i know many that are addicted to it so even those with questionable taste can enjoy the old school flavor.

yeah, i probably would have

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

i hate the bachelor

i do NOT watch that ridiculous show, but i tivo bonnie hunt and they talk about it every week. they even show clips. its so stupid. i cannot believe that women subject themselves to this. i guess money could be a huge motivator, but STILL. does anyone really believe that a true and lasting love can be developed this way? i googled it and one couple from 12 seasons(is this show on 2 times a year or something?)has actually gotten married. sheesh!

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

never assume

it made me feel like an ass and its a mistake i will never make again.
mr ex man and i had gotten into a conversation about our first sexual experiences. this was an honest exchange of information between adults who were planning on getting married, not anything cheap or dirty.
i have a funny story how my then mother in law called the day after my wedding to check in on me. when i told her i was fine(not the complete truth, but what the heck do you say to your mother in law?)she told me how relieved she was because the soldier of fortune men were notorious for being "well endowed" as she put it. that story always gets a big laugh when i tell it, but it fell flat with mr ex man. i was kind of confused. we were being open and honest. he had told me a few intimate details that i could have gone my whole life without knowing, but i didnt protest because i know it was in the spirit of sharing. all it gave me was a way too vivid picture of him with his ex wife.
so why would he shut down and withdraw when i told him about my mother in law calling me in the honeymoon suite the day after my wedding? it took a few days for him to finally confess why he was grumpy and uncommunicative: my story about my well hung ex husband made him feel inadequate. his ex wife had told him that his manhood was too diminutive to satisfy her and that was one of the reasons she had stepped outside their marriage.
imagine me slapping the palm of my hand against my forehead. i felt like such an idiot. i had never considered the size of the wand when feeling the magic between mr ex man and myself. if i had, i would have mistakenly assumed that as the 6'4", football player type guy he was, that he was hung just fine. what he wouldnt believe is that i didnt care. not at all. i knew we would be fine and since his ex wife was the only opinion he was basing his feelings of inadequacy on, i figured there was a good chance she was just being a bitch and lying to him to make him feel like shit in an attempt to justify her unforgivable actions.
i wouldnt say this alone caused our break up, but it certainly did not help. i will never tell that story again until AFTER i am married and praised my husband for the well hung stud that he is.
do all men worry about this? was mr ex man just being overly sensitive or was i the idiot for bringing it up?

Monday, February 8, 2010

no, i dont smell like a pickle

and its not the real reason for my dating hiatus. i have been thinking a lot about the fact that i started this blog to chronicle the embarrassing and hilarious stories of a 40 something, "good", mormon girl dating and trying to find her eternal companion, but i havent delivered too much in that area lately. i am working on a few posts and i am even considering getting back "out there", but for now...

GET THIS! i use apple cider vinegar instead of traditional conditioner and its AMAZING. amazing because it works and because its super cheap and gives me more shine and volume than just about any conditioner i have paid twenty bucks or more for at the salon.
both the pioneer woman and the girls at little house in the suburbs
talk about it on their blogs. i was wary, but my long, super fine, no volume hair was in desperate need of help. i was getting ready to pull a britney spears and just shave it off. i was that frustrated. i grabbed the vinegar and headed for the shower.
i used my normal shampoo like the pioneer woman does. little house in the suburbs recommends that you wash your hair with ivory soap, but i am not ready to go that granola yet. after i washed and rinsed my hair, i poured a 50/50 solution of water and vinegar over my head, taking care not to get it in my eyes or mouth. vinegar is a really strong smell and i was freaking out a little thinking i would be smelling like a pickle, but i soldiered on, gave my hair a final rinse of warm water, and got out of the shower.
i used my normal styling products and blew my hair dry and i was a little surprised, but thrilled with the results. the first thing was that i DIDNT smell like vinegar at all, not even the faintest of residual scents. next, my hair styled so easy, was shiny, and had more volume than i have seen in a long time.
i still have some conditioner to use up, so i do the vinegar rinse about every third wash or so and the benefits have not diminished at all.
i read a few comments from the other blogs and some women said that it helped with their thick, coarse hair, so you dont have to have baby fine hair like mine to benefit. try it and let me know how it worked for you.


“In the end nothing we do or say in this lifetime will matter as much as the way we have loved one another.”
— Daphne Rose Kingma

Sunday, February 7, 2010

its going around

and i think i am coming down with it. i do not want to get sick!! i am all tired and achy. nothing tastes good and i cant write. i have about 6 partial posts just waiting to be finished, but no matter which direction i take them, they just suck.
everyone is over for the super bowl. i hate football, but i love a good super bowl party. not even enjoying this one. wahhhhhhhhhh. being a big ole cry baby. sorry.
the silver lining: the buffalo chicken dip i made was a big hit.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

winston churchill-was he talking about 21st century dating?

Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm.

- Winston Churchill


it recently occurred to me that as of this year, i have been divorced longer than i had been married to msof. not upset, just find it kind of curious. it could mean nothing, but it could be saying a lot. i just dont know.
if things had gone as planned, i would be celebrating my second anniversary with mr ex man this august.
i posted a few weeks back about my world tipping and the color draining out-things had calmed down a little,but its all rearing its ugly head again. its really hard to manage because most of it is not my responsibility to fix, but effects me and so many people i love.
one of my dearest friends was admitted to the hospital. one of my best friends children are going through a major crisis. several sisters in our ward are dealing with huge issues like porn and prescription drug addiction. its all weighing on me and i know that i need to manage it, but i am struggling with that. its all just so ugly. so much at one time.
i know i am not necessarily unique. its a scary world and so many are being touched by the ugly darkness.
reading over this post i realize that i am all over the place. jumping from one thing to another. its how my mind is working today. eek.


“Manners are a sensitive awareness of the feelings of others. If you have that awareness, you have good manners, no matter which fork you use.”
― Emily Post

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

i agree

Because conviction that is not undergirded by love makes the possessor of that conviction obnoxious and the dogma possessed becomes repulsive.
ravi zaxhias

Monday, February 1, 2010

goin granola...

got my birks and threw away my razor. NOT!!! still wearing high heels and my legs are smoooooth.
i made the lame tree-hugger joke because my post today is about making your own deoderant. just basic stuff, none of that weird crystal stuff that you buy for 89.95(i think you have to chant as you use it for it to work)or just going stinky in order to be "green". i got the recipe from little house in the suburbs and it goes like this:
1/4 cup corn starch
1/4 cup baking soda
10 drops essential oil(they recommend tea tree or lavender)
you mix it all together(takes about 2 seconds)
you can use it just like that-dust it on as a powder OR if you want to put it in a stick form you add
2-3 tbs coconut oil
you find it in the baking aisle by the shortening. its a little pricey-i got mine for 6 bucks on sale-but a little goes a long way and it has other uses besides making your own deodorant.
once you have it all mixed up you pack it into an old, empty stick deoderant container. it needs to "cure" about 24 hours for it to hold together properly when you apply it.
sometimes i am suspicious about things that are so easy. how could 4 ingredients mixed together so quickly work effectively? things dont need to be complicated to work and this homemade deodorant is proof of that.
i got freaked out a few years ago about the aluminum used in most commercial stick anti perspirant/deodorants and switched over to the "natural" stuff. i used both arm and hammer and tom's of maine and were happy with how both of them worked, but the $6 price tag was not fun especially when you can get the nasty aluminum stuff practically for free when you watch for sales and have a coupon.
i found this recipe just as i was at the end of my tom's of maine 12 hour natural deodorant. i had everything, but the coconut oil. i picked it up on my next trip to the grocery store and made it that day.
i am so excited about this stuff. it really works. goes on smooth and invisible and there are no potentially harmful chemicals being applied to my skin. and its cheap. in this economy, i love saving every little penny i can. this recipe saves quite a few. if you try it out, let me know what you think!