Tuesday, August 31, 2010

the common denominator

me. its me. my best friends insist that its not and i want to believe them. they really know me. the good and the bad, but when it all boils down, the only thing that remains is me. is there something in me that chooses these men? they all seem to be very, very different, but the end result is the same. gbf insists that the world is full of assholes and finding a good person who is not certifiably insane is like finding the proverbial needle in the haystack.

there is some stuff going on in my life right now that is really rocking my world. its dragging up old hurts and feelings that i thought i had long resolved. its uncomfortable and i hate it. its ugly to me because it shows me the stuff i need to work on and resolve and its not fun.

a lot of things are changing and changing fast. all of it has a positive side. there is a silver lining and possibilities ahead, but. but.BUT...its all happening in a way that i am so uncomfortable with. i feel so out of my element and out of control of it. plus, there is the possibility that it will all be another disaster. did that sound negative?

its like i am being acted upon instead of acting, but whatever action i take is either complete useless and ineffective or just plain wrong.

i know that the 4.7 people who regularly read this post already know i am not perfect. i dont pretend to be perfect, but dont we all want to put our best foot forward? talking about all this stuff makes me feel like a total loser.

the common denominator is me. what am i doing wrong and what do i need to change
to create the life i want? i am not talking perfection here, just some more fun stuff. i really could use a vacation.

i realize(dont we all?)that life brings hard times. trails and tribulations happen to us all and while i would never deny the blessings in my life, i feel like i just recover from the latest trial, i am dusting myself off and facing the world again, and i get knocked down again. does everyone feel that way? it seems like i used to get a break, you know, coast for a little bit. sure, there are the everyday little trials. flat tire, fight with your brother, minor financial set back, but you get a rest from the big stuff for just a little bit.

you know those people who seem to have a black cloud over their head-where everything they touch turns to sh-(not gold) and you think they have to be doing something wrong. something just has to be up with them that all this crap is happening? thats me right now. i have to be doing something wrong. trying to figure it out so i can stop immediately. i feel horrible even saying that. i worry that i appear to be full of self pity-i dont think i am(i count my blessings everyday. there are a lot of them), but a lot has happened. big and bad stuff. lots of it. i look around and i wonder if its about the same as everyone else. not that you can compare trials, but dont we kind of compare how much we deal with? maybe its just me.

cool mormon or just another nerd?

throughout my life, many of my non member friends called me a "cool mormon". i was able to walk that fine line of keeping the standards the church endorses and not being judgmental or exclusionary. my friends respected me, keeping the cursing to a minimum and running interference for me if anyone offered me an alcoholic beverage or a joint when i attended one of "those kind" of parties with them.

i guess i thought that would continue and in some aspects it has. i find more of the judgment comes from members than non. my non member friends still respect me and my choices not to drink or smoke(no one smokes pot anymore, but a few cigarette smokers)and keep the rated r movies to a minimum.

i have been thinking a lot about mr jack mormon and mr ex man. i have written a lot about mr jack mormon and how he debated the archaic nature of the law of chastity and how silly i was for sticking to it. not to mention his ice tea consumption and the occasional beer while watching football. me? not judging. him? JUDGING.
i really never got into mr ex man losing his faith. he told me one day he was leaving the church. this totally freaked me out(of course), but we all have varying crises' of faith and despite that i knew he was serious, i had faith that his testimony(it seemed like a pretty strong one when he bore it to me)would persevere. i dont know exactly what he is doing now, but the last information i got was that he stopped paying tithing, going to church, and was considering taking up drinking. he told me he would never marry because he doesnt think the government or the church should have that influence in his life. when i tried to give my(respectful)opposing view point, he mocked me. i am too old fashioned. judged. again.
i just dont get it. even when he was telling me things that were completely contradictory to what our relationship was built on, i respected him. listened politely. i believed him and what he was saying, but when i told him the things that were important to me,there was nothing but disrespect and contempt. sometimes there was even anger.
would it be too much to ask to agree to disagree and leave each other without all the exit damage?
there really wasnt exit damage with mr jack mormon. there was no real investment, so...no gain, no pain.
all of this is water under the bridge, but i have been thinking about it, trying to sort it out. to my non member friends, i am still cool, but to these guys i am just another nerd.
its a blue day for sure. sorry to be a drag, but its whats on my mind.

Monday, August 30, 2010

cheesecake perfection

i know PERFECT is a bold statement, but i am confident you would agree. i KNOW this because i am supremely critical of myself(hello womanhood)and particularly my cooking. i NEVER serve anything unless i have made it at least once(my trial run)and seen for myself that i can make it well and that it is delicious.
my cheesecake debacle with the smitten kitchen recipe still stings, but the pain is somewhat alleviated with my recent success.
not that this success is new. like i mentioned before, i have been making cheesecakes for years and the following recipe is sort of a compilation of the different recipes(not including the smitten kitchen one)i have tried over the years.
the basics never change: cream cheese, eggs, sugar, and some sort of flavoring like vanilla. mine has a few subtle twists, let me know if you try it and if you like it or not.

preheat the oven to 325

graham cracker crust
1 1/2 sleeves of graham crackers
1/3 cup melted butter
1/3 cup sugar

use a food processor to grind up the graham crackers. add melted butter and sugar and pulse a few more times. if you dont have a food processor, you can put the crackers in a zip lock bag and use a rolling pin or mallet to pound them into oblivion.
press crumb mixture into the bottom and up the sides of a greased spring form pan. there have been times when i didnt have a spring form pan and i used a 9 inch round cake pan. its still good, but you will have some batter(and crumbs for that matter) left over.
place the pan in the freezer while making the batter.

3-8 oz packages of cream cheese, softened
1 pint heavy cream
1 vanilla bean-optional
2 tsp vanilla extract
zest of one lemon or 1 tsp lemon extract
3 eggs

the vanilla bean is optional, but if you have one and want to use it, it really adds a dimension of flavor. what i did was pour the cream into a bowl, then split the vanilla bean,scrape the seeds, and stir them into the cream. submerge the bean as well and allow to steep while the cream cheese is softening and while you mix the batter together.

place cream cheese in mixer bowl and beat on low speed for 2 minutes or so. add one egg at a time, mixing well after each one. if you want a denser, ny style cheesecake, keep the mixer speed on slow and allow to mix for a while. scrape down the sides of the bowl as you go. you really want to work out any lumps and have as smooth as a batter as possible. if you use a whisk attachment and/or mix at high speed it incorporates a lot of air and you will lose some of that denseness. some people like a lighter texture, but i prefer the dense.

retrieve the bean pods from the cream and discard. stir the cream to incorporate all those little seeds, then slowly add the cream to the batter. if your mixer is going too fast it WILL splatter, so be careful. again, scrape down the sides of the bowl.

add lemon zest(or extract.thats what i used this time.)and vanilla extract. beat on slow for a minute or so. scrape down the sides again to check for any lumps. if you discover any, mix for another minute.

take the graham cracker crust from the freezer and place on a piece of tin foil just big enough to pull up around the sides of the pan. it doesnt have to come all the way to the top. pour the batter into the prepared graham cracker crust. use a rubber spatula to smooth out the top.

place a rimmed cookie sheet in the oven place the cheesecake on the cookie pan then pour enough water into the pan to come up a little more than half way to the rim of the cookie sheet. the tin foil wrapped around the bottom of the spring form pan acts as an extra security so no water will leak in. this whole process is called a water bath and helps keep the cheesecake from cracking.

in my oven, it usually takes an hour to an hour and a half to bake, but i check on it after 45 minutes. you will know when its done by the light golden brown color. there might even be a few bubbles on top. that is normal. i got 1 or 2 small cracks, but no big deal at all. you might notice that it jiggles a little as you remove it from the oven. dont panic. that doesnt mean that it isnt done. once out of the oven, the cake settles a little bit. cool it completely, then put it in the fridge. i usually like to make it the night before so it is thoroughly chilled, but if you chill it for an hour or 2, it will be delicious.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

no call for you

life with the mormon dating site is...WEIRD. i have been here before, done all of the "smiles" and "sparks" and the get to know you im's. why is it still so weird? maybe i am creating the weirdness because i am not embracing this process, but rather enduring it. a means to a possible end. what end? COME ON! you know what end. finding a good guy and getting married. a worthy goal, no? why does it feel so forced and unnatural?

i havent been spending too much time on the site, but i have gotten a few "hits" of interest. i have had im conversations with several guys, boys, men(it varied)and because of my past experiences, i feel on guard and not very much like myself. still, these guys, boys, men seemed interested and we had some nice conversations. except one.

i got an email from dusty4535 that contained one sentence: "would you like to chat?" i assumed he mean instant message, so replied back "sure". i then received an email with only his phone number. i know there might be a couple of ways of looking at this, but i went old school. "he expects ME to call HIM, when we havent even instant messaged?" his profile had very little to go on, so it seemed the equivalent of a questionable blind date. i know it seems that i am being hyper senstive, but with my history with the men(mr jack mormon,mr nice guy,&mr ex man)on lds dating sites, i think i have earned the right to be cautious.

i emailed him back letting him know(happy emoticons all over the place to let him know that i wasnt mad or being snobby)that i like to im 2-3 times before a phone conversation. the next time i was on, he im'd me right away, but within two seconds asked me to call him. i (less sweetly this time, but still not being bitchy)reminded him that we just started im'ing. then he got pretty pissy. saying that he could tell if a woman is crazy(i think he actually used the term 'mental problems')by the way she talks and he didnt want to waste time.

i stood firm despite him asking me at least 2 more times to call him. he explained that he wasnt an ugly(he didnt have a picture posted, so i couldnt verify this one way or another), desperate for dates, so he couldnt understand my hesitation. i didnt feel like going into my own checklist of how i figure out who the "crazies" are and within a few minutes he unceremoniously left our chat.

am i too old fashioned? shouldnt he ask for my number after 1 or 2 chats and then call me at a decent hour and we will talk for a while and get to know one another?

maybe i have it all wrong, but if i do, i just dont think i can play by these new rules.

Monday, August 23, 2010

time to reconsider

maybe i just need to be single for the rest of my life. i dont always think this way, but now that i am on the dating site and the hilarity that is ensuing there...its just a mess. are my expectations too high? am i as weird as i think they are?

i got an email from a man who took each and every single point that i wrote on my profile and commented or questioned each item. kind of sarcastic and seemed to be challenging a lot of what i said, that was clearly meant to be tongue in cheek.i dont even want to write him back. it seems like to much to deal with.

instead of fun, romantic hi-jinx, its exhausting work. i keep trying to remember all the points from "marry him!" and its not too difficult since its turning out to basically be a book of prophecy. just about everything she wrote is coming true in my own experience.

i find that i dont have the nerves for this anymore. everything seems raw and i am on edge. kind of waiting for the sucker punch.

i wish i had more fun things to report. i did chat with one man 2 times. kind of funny, but odd. he was super flirty, but then seemed to have lost interest for no reason(that i can think of). i mean there was no dispute in our conversation or anything of a sensational nature.

i am such a whiney cry baby today.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

where the hell have i been?

i dont know if i have ever gone a week without posting. not much has been going on, but it seems like so much and its wearing me out!

mr great white north is back to being a consistent presence and he is making plans to come and see me. WHATEVER. i told him to make the definite plans and get back to me. turns out he was in my town a few months back and didnt even call me. yes. thats right. why am i even considering seeing him? 1. i am bored. 2. if he actually follows through, it will be a miracle, so there is very little risk involved.

none of you know me, yet i am concerned about your judgment on this topic. i am aware that it looks idiotic. i would advise anyone who had told me this story to tell him to JUMP OFF A CLIFF. i dont think he is THE ONE, but if he actually does make it back here, whats the harm in a date?

mr jack mormon has been texting me. i have pretty much ignored him, but recently i told him that i wasnt intentionally ignoring him(true)that i just wasnt around when he sent the messages.

which leads me to my next item of business. i have been on a a flirt fest. i was going to say i was acting all slutty, but i guess thats not really factual. i am usually monogamous, even in my flirting, but not now. oh no. i am currently flirting like crazy with 4 guys. or is it 5? lets just say 4. makes me feel a little less slutty. i am not a tease. i dont flirt by telling a guy all the wild sexual things i will do to him, then cry chastity and not follow through. i flirt with the basics, like smiles, and laughing at his jokes or playfully slap his arm. most of this has been via modern technology, so...i have been flirting with words. no web cam or anything like that. my words have been super flirty, but not crossing the line. toeing the line, but not crossing it.

so why is it bugging me? is it because i am breaking with my normal monogamy? i have no formal agreement with anyone. no dtr's in my recent past. doubt there are any in my near future either. maybe i am just being a sissy.

officially on a dating site. its been kind of slow, but picking up. both mr ex man and mr jack mormon have looked at my profile. i made a snide remark to mr jack mormon, but said nothing to mr ex man.

no dates yet, but definitely some interest. i will see how it goes. for at least 6 months since i took advantage of the super summer sale.

is that as pathetic as it sounds?

Sunday, August 15, 2010

looks that kill

i am told that i have them. like i could kill you with a glance. its not intentional, but i have heard it often enough that there must be some truth to it. msof was the most vocally opposed to my "evil eyes". since i really didnt know what he was talking about(i dont give evil or mean looks on purpose)i asked him to explain. he said that i looked at him like everything he did was wrong and i was judging him for it. pretty heavy stuff.
a man in my ward(a friend, married)was joking with me and he told me that he would do whatever i told him to do just to avoid "the look".
"THE LOOK"? i really dont know how to manage it if i dont even know when i am doing it, but i need to figure something out.
maybe its how i am scaring all the cute boys away.
just thinking out loud.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

day 27

27. your month in detail.

blah. nothing horrible. nothing exciting. summer is not my favorite time of the year and it takes a lot of energy to beat the heat.

dealing with family illness-everything is okay now.

talking with mr great white north. he is nice, but it will probably end as it usually does. why did i answer the phone? a harmless distraction. he likes me and thinks i am cute.

my car needs washing in the worst way, but i am like the rain maker when i do that. we could be in the worst drought ever and i would break it by going to get my car washed.

i still need a pedicure. right now i am just doing damage control type maitenence.

i am getting really worn out from my calling, but i love it. being in the "loop" can really suck sometimes. people are really crazy.

i still believe in love and it has nothing to do with huey lewis.

going to hell

seriously. i managed to wax one leg and dropped no less than 4 f-bombs in the process. if you dont see me post for a while, its because i am busy repenting for the vanity that led me to such a heinous transgression.

Friday, August 13, 2010

day 26

26. my week in great deal. that just might be 7 times the boredom. some random stuff from this week:

i actually talked to mr great white north.

i went to relief society and learned to make homemade laundry soap

i accidentally ignored 3 texts from mr jack mormon. he got the unintentional hint.

the weather is really out of control where i live and i am really tired of it.

the singles ward

i think its the same guy that i declared my love for a few weeks ago over at the singles ward. his post today was so well written and thoughtful and smart and insightful. am i gushing?

Thursday, August 12, 2010

day 25

25. my day in great detail. sigh. kind of boring. i dont even know if i want to talk about it.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

should we change?

how much should we change to please or accommodate the one we love or the one we are trying to "catch"? sandy totally vamped herself out to keep danny and danny went preppy for her, but underneath it all, they were still the same. danny was still all dressed in black under the letterman sweater and poor sandy didnt know what to do with that damn cigarette. she was a good girl at her core and he was a bad boy with a d.a.
i never changed to "get" a guy, but there are times i wonder if i should have. it might be easier to slut out a little than lose your man because you are too "uptight".

tgws and i broke up because i wouldnt have sex(i need to write a whole post on that drama)and i wouldnt stop telling him to quit doing drugs. on his 21st birthday, while getting drunk with his buddies, he met a girl at the bar who would do both with him. i do not regret sticking with my convictions on this one, but for my young mind(for a short time)i thought it was my fault. if i was cooler and more willing to experiment with drugs and actually have sex with him, we would have made it. i know, CRAZY thinking.
every relationship has to be negotiated and we all have to sacrifice a little to get the ultimate reward of a good relationship. what can go? church activity? minor word of wisdom issues?
just been thinking about this stuff lately. for those of you who feel they are in good relationships-did you have to change? what sacrifices did you make and were they worth it?

day 24

24. whatever tickles your fancy

minus that stupid haircut, this picture of this man in levis 501 jeans tickles my fancy. 501's are universal. i have never seen a man look bad in them. i actually ripped this picture of of a magazine, but i ripped his head off. i hate the haircut that much. the rest of the picture? sigh.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

smc cooks couscous

i found this while looking through food gawker. i had to modify the recipe a little-i didnt have whole wheat-i used a box of the far east stuff(or is it called near east?)that was actually the parmesan flavor, which worked out well since i only had about 1/4 c of parmesan in the fridge. i was glad to find this since i almost always throw green onions out before i can use them all and i had 4 of them in the crisper drawer. i also threw in some "fresh" spinach that was just about to turn the corner to yuckville. saved it just in time and it really added to this dish. super fast and easy and it made a perfect summer lunch. i am sure it would be a good side dish too.

Whole Wheat Couscous Side Dish with Green Onions and Parmesan
(Makes 4-6 servings; inspired by a recipe for orzo pilaf from Bon Appetit magazine.)

1 1/2 cups whole wheat couscous
2 cups chicken stock (I used homemade chicken stock, but you could use canned chicken broth)
4-5 green onions, thinly sliced
1/2 cup finely-grated Parmesan cheese
fresh ground black pepper to taste

Using a heavy pan with a tight-fitting lid, bring 2 cups of chicken stock to a boil. Stir in couscous, turn off heat, put the lid on the pan and let it sit for five minutes without lifting the lid.

While couscous cooks, thinly slice the green onions and measure 1/2 cup finely grated Parmesan cheese.

After 5 minutes, remove lid and fluff the couscous with a fork. Let cool for 2-3 minutes.

Stir in green onions and finely-grated Parmesan. Season to taste with freshly-ground black pepper and serve hot.

day 23

23. a youtube video

Monday, August 9, 2010

where do i get one of those?

addendum: i offer the following not as an excuse, but rather, an explanation. i wrote that post in haste, in a lazy fashion after reading one more of a long line of posts by various bloggers talking about their lives and their husbands and what they put them through.
i am not suggesting that anyone with a legitimate mental illness should be rejected or discarded by their spouse. the women i was referring to mainly had emotional break downs due to their own bad behavior that got them into the mess they were in.
i am generally not the type to wallow in self pity, but i think i was definitely wallowing a little bit yesterday.
i am far from perfect(ask msof), but it just makes me wonder sometimes that if bad behavior is more attractive than good. blain summed it up in the comments and i think he is right, but there has to be more to it than that.
if a fairly attractive woman is nice to you-and i am not talking the clingy, overeager type of "nice"-does that make her less interesting, thus making her less attractive?

been reading some blogs from women who basically admit they are crazy or at least have major issues, some of them landing in psychiatric hospitals for a spell or cheating on their amazing(their words, not mine)husbands and yet these seemingly normal and nice guys stay. emotionally and financially support their crazy wives-many who seem to be incredibly selfish and get a kick out of flaunting it.
how does that work? is being nice and basically normal just too boring for the average guy? do they need that kind of excitement to get turned on or something?
this goes along with my theory on how bitchy and demanding women tend to attract the loyal, long suffering men. the good guys.
its a mystery.

what day is it?

i forget the number. dang! i just looked it up, but got distracted. sigh. i am so bad with stuff like that. i think its...
21. a website

everyday food storage is a cool site. being single and all, i dont have the kind of food storage that families are commanded to have, BUT i have taken many tips from this site, recipes too and they are all good. even if you arent lds and dont have "food storage", you can still use her recipes and ideas. she really has taken old school food storage and made it more user friendly. i love her videos-she shows everything step by step.

island candle company

i picked up some of their stuff while i was in hawaii a few years ago and it is pretty amazing. all natural and effective and the scents....to die for. plumeria is my favorite, by far. one year, i had an island candle Christmas, where i bought everyones gift from there and had it shipped. everyone loved it.

Sunday, August 8, 2010

day 21

21. a recipe

from jan karons mitford cookbook & kitchen reader; one of 6 biscuit recipes that can be found there. i made them last night and they are good, but they are meant to be thin and i just prefer a taller, fluffier biscuit.

mamas biscuits

2 cups plain flour
1 teaspoon salt
2 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
3-5 tablespoons shortening
3/4 cup buttermilk

put all the ingredients in a bowl and mix with your hands until it becomes a dough. allow to rise for a few minutes. roll out to 1/2 inch thickness and cut out with a drinking glass or biscuit cutter. place on greased and lightly floured baking sheet. bake at 375 for 20 min.

i usually like honey on my biscuits, but the author said they are particularly good with jelly. she was right. maybe its the thinness, but i tried one with honey and preferred the jelly.

Saturday, August 7, 2010

playing around

messing around with the format of my blog. all of the tabs are empty at this point-i think going through everything and trying to organize it is going to be an huge and ongoing job. might be biting off more than i can chew. if they suddenly all disappear, you will know what happened.

day 20

20. a hobby

i used to be a mad scrapbooker, but i have phased out of that. i miss it sometimes, but whenever i attempt to sit down to actually do it, nothing comes.

as for now...maybe blogging could be considered my hobby.

update: duh! cooking is my hobby-how could i possibly forget that?

Friday, August 6, 2010

day 19

19. a talent of mine

i dont have any of the usual "mormon girl" talents like singing or playing the piano.
i am sure if i asked someone else, they would be able to list at least 1 or 2, but i am drawing a blank. CRAP!
ok. i am a good photographer, mainly portrait photography.
AND i am very good with make up.
there. there are TWO that i feel comfortable copping to.

rewriting history

i wake up exactly 5 minutes before my alarm is set to go off at 3:30. in the MORNING. he wanted to spend more time with me, so he booked an early morning flight instead of leaving sunday night. i love him for that.
my stomach hurts. i dont want him to go. the time went way too fast. i crawl off the air mattress i am sleeping on in my roommates bedroom and shuffle into the bathroom. pee. brush my teeth. brush my hair.
i walk into my room to wake him up. i know he is awake, but he is laying on his stomach with his eyes closed as if he is asleep. there is just enough room for me to perch on the side of the bed next to him. i gently rub his back and then lean over to brush his hair aside and kiss his neck and then his ear. i whisper "wake up baby" in my husky, just woke up, morning voice.
he rolls over onto his back, reaches out his arms and pulls me down onto his chest. the emotions are overwhelming me and i am fighting the tears. he is smoothing down my hair and rubbing my back. so quietly, that it is almost a whisper, he says "i dont want to leave here." i have composed myself,so there is no tearful evidence when i lift my head to look at him and say "me either." i want to follow that up with "so dont. stay here with me.", but those words wont do either of us any good. he has his kids to think of. and a job, so instead of speaking those words that i desperately want to say, i stretch up to kiss him on the mouth. if he had morning breath, i didnt notice it-the only thing i noticed was his strong arms pulling me more tightly to his chest and the sigh that escaped from his lips.
i gently pull away from him, but he isnt letting go. i love this. i dont want him to let me go. i just want to lay there in his arms forever, but he has to go. i hate that he has to go, but i smile at him as i sit up and reach over to brush his hair out of his eyes. then i stand up so he can get out of bed and take a shower.
i want to do something. something for him. i ask if he would like breakfast. he gives me a little smile and says he doesnt feel much like eating. that makes two of us.
i am all ready to go, so i wait for him. he emerges from the steamy bathroom doorway a few minutes later. his towel dried hair falls against my face when he leans over to kiss me with his minty fresh breath.
i sit on the end of my bed while he throws the last few items in his suitcase and i attempt to memorize every aspect of him. his straight, strong back as he leans over to zip up his luggage and how the muscles in his forearms flex as he effortlessly lifts the heavy bag and places the strap on his broad shoulder. he turns away from me to pick up his wallet from my nightstand and i gaze appreciatively at how his powerful back narrows down to his waist and not to mention all there was to admire just south of there.
he walks towards my bedroom door, pauses in front of me and holds out his hand. i take it and stand up, but i wont look at him. i cant. he leads me to the steps and we slowly begin the decent down to the first floor. about half way down, he stops in front of me and leans back, his head against my chest. i gently rest my chin on his head and he says, "i cant leave you. i want to be here with you forever." there is nothing i can possibly say, so i am silent, but i wrap my arm over his shoulder and slip my hand in the neck of his shirt and gently massage his chest. then i kiss his neck and slowly pull away and we finish our walk down the stairs and out to the car.
he holds my hand while we are driving. we really arent saying much, just comments on the weather and the monday morning traffic on the way to the airport. when i have to have both hands on the steering wheel, i reluctantly release his hand, but its like he cant not touch me. he puts his hand on my leg and alternately rubs my knee and draws circles on my thigh. when i can free my hand, i place it on top of his and he interlaces his fingers through mine and pulls our joined hands to his own lap.
we get to the airport in plenty of time and get a great parking spot. he checks in and we head to the security line. its long,but is moving along at a steady pace. i know he needs to get to work that morning,but i cant help but wish for the line to just freeze because each step closer to the security guard sitting at that podium is one step closer to saying good bye. not for forever, but we didnt know when we would be able to see each other again.
we were getting closer and i could feel him tense up. he looked down at me and smiled weakly, but i managed a big smile and he said, "i love you baby, thank you for that smile." his own smile grew stronger and he took me in his arms.
i could have stood there forever, but the line was moving again. there was only 2 people ahead of us in line. he had his boarding pass in his hand and he leaned down to kiss me. i am sure we both planned on a chaste good bye kiss appropriate for public viewing, but the line froze and we took the few precious moments to really kiss each other properly. he pulled me to him and i could feel the boarding pass against my back as our passion took over for that small moment in time.
we could feel the line begin to move and the hurried vibe of the passengers behind us as we began to separate, returning to each other for little pecks and quick hugs.
he handed the security agent his boarding pass, ducked in for one last kiss and gave me a look that said more than any words can say and he walked through to the other side where i could not follow even though i wanted to.
i stepped over the barrier that outlined the course for passengers waiting to get through security and watched him walk away. as much as i loved the back of him, i couldnt stand to watch him get smaller and smaller as he moved further and further away from me.
i was crying now, tears silently rolling down my face. i didnt care and i didnt even try to wipe them away.
i continued to watch him, but he stopped. he turned around and was walking very quickly towards me. he stopped about fifty feet away and raised his hand to wave good bye. i raised my hand too and when he said "i love you" for the whole airport to hear, i smiled through all the tears and said "i love you too". "i will see you very soon," he promised.
he turned once again and started walking away. without breaking his stride, he turned and waved one last time as he turned the corner to walk to his gate.
i could sense people looking at me,but i didnt care. i didnt care that we made a scene at the airport and that so many people witnessed it.
i walked to my car and drove home. a few hours later he called me and told me how he had it all figured out.
it was a good plan.

day 18

18. whatever tickles your fancy

i dont listen to country as much as i used to and i like jason aldean ok, but i LOVE this song. i also think he is super hot in this video, which confuses me because i hate the tight wrangler look as well as men wearing an earring in each ear. there is something about the way he holds his mouth that makes me think he used to chew tobacco and learned how to hold it in his mouth and talk around it. disgusting habit, but the set of his jaw is just...sexy. how could all these "wrongs" just be so right in a man?
i just dont know, but i do know this video tickles my fancy.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

our songs

april wine, just between you and me
at the time, april wine was considered heavy metal(note the title of the album)and the rocker ballad was not as common as it is now or even when every hair band of the 80's started coming out with a ballad on each album. tgws got me this cassette for my birthday and i played it until i wore it out. he called me a few months ago when he heard it on the radio and it took us both back.

scorpions: no one like you
we never really had a song, but this song was popular when we were engaged and he was far away in the military. it talks about being separated and longing to be together, so i count it for blogging purposes.

mr southern gentleman:
garth brooks: baton rouge
mr southern gentleman traveled a lot for work and when this song came out he said it was reminiscent of how he called me(no rest stop pay phones, he had a cell)every hundred miles to check in and say "i love you". this song makes me happy. i just love it-even if it wasnt attached to my memories of him.

mr nice guy:
firehouse love of a lifetime
this was playing in the car when mr nice guy picked me up for our first date. he said it was the perfect song for us. maybe he meant his mother.

mr ex man:
there is a slew of them but the stand outs are: david bowie, absolute beginners or buck cherry im sorry. both brought me to tears when he sent them to me.

day 17-sick of me yet?

17. favorite piece of art

i really like all kinds of different things, but i love the work of ansel adams and this is one of my favorites. he was brilliant with light and texture and i just love to look at his stuff.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

day 16

16. a song that makes me cry

i couldnt think of anything recent that brought me to tears(i am sure there is something out there),so i did a google search for "tear jerker songs" and this sawyer brown tune was listed as one of the top 10. it doesnt make me cry anymore, but it did back in the day.

in my search, one list mentioned a davie bowie song which made me think of another bowie song that mr ex man sent me. the first time i watched in on youtube, i literally sobbed. it was definitely a message song and it made such a difference at the time.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

day 15-half over

15.fanfic? i dont think so. all i can think about is this lady in my ward that is so into twilight fan fiction that its downright embarrassing. she has asked me to read it and its really embarrassing.no matter how great the medium, i would not want to be associated with it because of her. its not that she is a bad writer, but her story lines are so crazy and an obvious fantasy of how she would like to be. gross.
one last random thought. i am starving. my stomach is growling, but its almost midnight and i have already brushed my teeth. go to bed hungry? quite a dilemma.

now this is just getting ridiculous

mr jack mormon was texting me last night when mr great white north popped in as well. WHAT THE HELL?

Monday, August 2, 2010

what were you doing in june of 1997?

i had just been in my new(first time home buyer!) house for six months, msof was recovered from a major car accident(all his fault) and was back to work, and i was apparently tearing recipes out of magazines. i have a huge notebook full of recipes i have torn out of magazines, so that is not a big surprise, but looking at the date, it made me think of what was going on in my life at that time. just like mccalls magazine, msof and i are no longer in print. nine months later, i invited him to leave our home.

today i am making creme brulee from that article in the june 1997 issue of mccalls magazine called the simple secret to creme brulee.

creme brulee

2 cups heavy cream
1/2 cup milk
1/2 vanilla bean, split lengthwise or 1 1/2 tsp vanilla extract.
5 large egg yolks
1/2 c granulated sugar
pinch of salt
4 cups boiling water
5 tbs superfine sugar
in a small saucepan, combine cream and milk. scrape seeds from vanilla bean into the mixture(or add extract) heat to just simmering;remove from heat. cover. let steep 20 min.
preheat oven to 325. place 6 ramekins in 9x13 baking pan. in bowl, beat egg yolks, sugar, and salt. gently stir into cream mixture.
strain custard through fine sieve into 1 qt glass measuring cup. pour into ramekins. add enough boiling water to 9x13 pan to come up half way ramekins. bake 48-50 min, until custard edges are set, but center is jiggly.
remove ramekins to wire rack to cool.
cover will plastic wrap.
chill overnight.
preheat broiler to highest setting. blot any moisture from top of custard with a paper towel. place one ramekin on a baking sheet. sprinkle 2 1/2 tsp sugar evenly over the top to cover custard. broil 4 inces from heat source, rotating baking sheet for one minute, until sugar is melted and caramelized.
let stand for a few minutes for sugar to harden. creme brulee can be refrigerated for up to 1 hour after caramelizing.

day 14

14. non fiction book.
just off the top of my head....i am going to say "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People". i think everyone should read it. seriously. i am FAR from being a perfect practitioner of coveys 7 steps, but it has made me really think about stuff and make important changes. its one you can read over and over and not necessarily in order. go back and read step 5 first, if you want to. it doesnt matter because it is good information. maybe i will go dig it out and read it again RIGHT NOW!

Sunday, August 1, 2010

day 13 of me, me, me and more ME

13. a fictional book

i recently read shutter island and really liked it. i dont think i ever would have picked it up on my own, but a friend wanted me to read it and go see the movie with her. even though it is kind of suspenseful and mysterious, its a fairly easy read. i am usually pretty good at figuring out surprise endings and while i knew SOMETHING was coming, i didnt have it figured out.
has anyone else read shutter island? what did you think of it?