rewriting history

i wake up exactly 5 minutes before my alarm is set to go off at 3:30. in the MORNING. he wanted to spend more time with me, so he booked an early morning flight instead of leaving sunday night. i love him for that.
my stomach hurts. i dont want him to go. the time went way too fast. i crawl off the air mattress i am sleeping on in my roommates bedroom and shuffle into the bathroom. pee. brush my teeth. brush my hair.
i walk into my room to wake him up. i know he is awake, but he is laying on his stomach with his eyes closed as if he is asleep. there is just enough room for me to perch on the side of the bed next to him. i gently rub his back and then lean over to brush his hair aside and kiss his neck and then his ear. i whisper "wake up baby" in my husky, just woke up, morning voice.
he rolls over onto his back, reaches out his arms and pulls me down onto his chest. the emotions are overwhelming me and i am fighting the tears. he is smoothing down my hair and rubbing my back. so quietly, that it is almost a whisper, he says "i dont want to leave here." i have composed myself,so there is no tearful evidence when i lift my head to look at him and say "me either." i want to follow that up with "so dont. stay here with me.", but those words wont do either of us any good. he has his kids to think of. and a job, so instead of speaking those words that i desperately want to say, i stretch up to kiss him on the mouth. if he had morning breath, i didnt notice it-the only thing i noticed was his strong arms pulling me more tightly to his chest and the sigh that escaped from his lips.
i gently pull away from him, but he isnt letting go. i love this. i dont want him to let me go. i just want to lay there in his arms forever, but he has to go. i hate that he has to go, but i smile at him as i sit up and reach over to brush his hair out of his eyes. then i stand up so he can get out of bed and take a shower.
i want to do something. something for him. i ask if he would like breakfast. he gives me a little smile and says he doesnt feel much like eating. that makes two of us.
i am all ready to go, so i wait for him. he emerges from the steamy bathroom doorway a few minutes later. his towel dried hair falls against my face when he leans over to kiss me with his minty fresh breath.
i sit on the end of my bed while he throws the last few items in his suitcase and i attempt to memorize every aspect of him. his straight, strong back as he leans over to zip up his luggage and how the muscles in his forearms flex as he effortlessly lifts the heavy bag and places the strap on his broad shoulder. he turns away from me to pick up his wallet from my nightstand and i gaze appreciatively at how his powerful back narrows down to his waist and not to mention all there was to admire just south of there.
he walks towards my bedroom door, pauses in front of me and holds out his hand. i take it and stand up, but i wont look at him. i cant. he leads me to the steps and we slowly begin the decent down to the first floor. about half way down, he stops in front of me and leans back, his head against my chest. i gently rest my chin on his head and he says, "i cant leave you. i want to be here with you forever." there is nothing i can possibly say, so i am silent, but i wrap my arm over his shoulder and slip my hand in the neck of his shirt and gently massage his chest. then i kiss his neck and slowly pull away and we finish our walk down the stairs and out to the car.
he holds my hand while we are driving. we really arent saying much, just comments on the weather and the monday morning traffic on the way to the airport. when i have to have both hands on the steering wheel, i reluctantly release his hand, but its like he cant not touch me. he puts his hand on my leg and alternately rubs my knee and draws circles on my thigh. when i can free my hand, i place it on top of his and he interlaces his fingers through mine and pulls our joined hands to his own lap.
we get to the airport in plenty of time and get a great parking spot. he checks in and we head to the security line. its long,but is moving along at a steady pace. i know he needs to get to work that morning,but i cant help but wish for the line to just freeze because each step closer to the security guard sitting at that podium is one step closer to saying good bye. not for forever, but we didnt know when we would be able to see each other again.
we were getting closer and i could feel him tense up. he looked down at me and smiled weakly, but i managed a big smile and he said, "i love you baby, thank you for that smile." his own smile grew stronger and he took me in his arms.
i could have stood there forever, but the line was moving again. there was only 2 people ahead of us in line. he had his boarding pass in his hand and he leaned down to kiss me. i am sure we both planned on a chaste good bye kiss appropriate for public viewing, but the line froze and we took the few precious moments to really kiss each other properly. he pulled me to him and i could feel the boarding pass against my back as our passion took over for that small moment in time.
we could feel the line begin to move and the hurried vibe of the passengers behind us as we began to separate, returning to each other for little pecks and quick hugs.
he handed the security agent his boarding pass, ducked in for one last kiss and gave me a look that said more than any words can say and he walked through to the other side where i could not follow even though i wanted to.
i stepped over the barrier that outlined the course for passengers waiting to get through security and watched him walk away. as much as i loved the back of him, i couldnt stand to watch him get smaller and smaller as he moved further and further away from me.
i was crying now, tears silently rolling down my face. i didnt care and i didnt even try to wipe them away.
i continued to watch him, but he stopped. he turned around and was walking very quickly towards me. he stopped about fifty feet away and raised his hand to wave good bye. i raised my hand too and when he said "i love you" for the whole airport to hear, i smiled through all the tears and said "i love you too". "i will see you very soon," he promised.
he turned once again and started walking away. without breaking his stride, he turned and waved one last time as he turned the corner to walk to his gate.
i could sense people looking at me,but i didnt care. i didnt care that we made a scene at the airport and that so many people witnessed it.
i walked to my car and drove home. a few hours later he called me and told me how he had it all figured out.
it was a good plan.