Thursday, April 29, 2010

bing bang boom

im just telling ya.
some of my more worldly friends would roll their eyes that i even feel it necessary to warn those with more delicate sensibilities. its not like i am writing into penthouse, but i probably wouldnt share this story in relief society. not probably. i wouldnt.
for anyone new to my blog, i want to just catch you up. i am a "good" girl. i was a virgin when i got married. oh sure, i made out like crazy, but there was no petting, heavy or otherwise. it seemed to make more sense when i was a 20 year old bride. not so much as a 40- something divorcee. buuuuuuttttt...right is right. right?
msof(my ex husband. see dance card at the end of the blog)was NOT romantic, but he made a few efforts. i didnt mind all that much. like most girls, i like gestures. a few grand ones, but the small ones count as well. unlike a lot of girls(the ones i know and have talked to anyway)i did not require a lot of candles and flower petals strewn on the bed. love was certainly a requirement for good sex, but it didnt have to be all soft focus and "lub makin". a good old fashioned quickie was often just what the doctor ordered.
many of my friends complained about the quickie. i think its the most under appreciated form of sex. its fun. it can be satisfying and it only takes a few minutes. what could be better? in general, i think men would probably be totally satisfied with only quickies, but if they want their wives to enjoy them, they need to make sure their wives are satisfied-meaning they get the appropriate amounts(varies for each woman) of candles and soft focus plus the attention to her as a person.
i hear when men say that getting their wives in "the mood" can be an exhausting endeavor and i think sometimes they are right, but what i am suggesting is that with a little maintenance your wife will be more open to the more 'wild' sex. like the quickie.
this mad about you clip is a funny example of how we can get confused over what we think our spouse wants. we dont always need the bing and the bang. just give us the boom. sometimes. we still like the bing and the bang.
im just sayin.

idiot savant

its kind of a cross between jeopardy and name that tune. friends and family call me with bits and pieces of a song. sometimes not even a whole line and ask me what song it was or who sang it. with about 99% accuracy, i either know it off the top of my head or i can do some brief internet research and figure it out. sometimes its stuff i have never even heard of, but people who swear they have been searching the internet for that song they just cant get out of their head, but cant name, come to me and i get it figured it out.
as good as i am, i pale in comparison to gbf. he is the guy who knows the release date and who produced the album. i am weak in genres i dont care for, like rap or opera, but gbf seems to know it all.
with talent like this, isnt it a wonder they havent married me off yet?

very true

“We are more than we imagine ourselves to be.”
— Veronica Chambers

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

i get it

when life is dealing the bad hands it deals sometimes, it is not uncommon that couples turn to each other and use sex as a major stress reliever and a way to further cement their bond and commitment during difficult times.
what about those of us without the benefit of that special someone? CASUAL, RANDOM SEX WITH VIRTUAL STRANGERS!! i always stood in haughty judgment of such behavior, but not anymore. i get it. i wont do it, but I GET IT. i get why people turn to drugs and alcohol to ease and temporarily erase the pain they are feeling. heck, i want a drink right now.
does drinking and casual sex solve anything? does it cure cancer? nope, but for a few hours(if you are lucky)you can forget.
right now i just want to crawl into bed and feel someone next to me. hear them breathe and feel that amazing skin to skin contact.
sometimes flirting is my drug of choice. it can make me forget for a while, but i am resisting the urge to contact old stand by guys. it will lead me places i dont want to be and despite the fact that flirting does not break the law of chastity, it would ultimately leave me feeling empty inside.

black crowes

one of my favorite bands singing one of my favorite songs of all time-i used to play this album LOUD while i cleaned the house and sung(cant carry a tune to save my life)along at the top of my lungs. what can i say? it made the housework fly by.
gbf and i saw them 2 times in concert. with the recent health crisis, i wonder if we will get another chance to see a show together.

ps-this is a very good live performance, i just hate that my sweetheart steve gorman is not the drummer. love him. there is just something about him that does it for me.


When the power of love overcomes the love of power the world will know peace.
Jimi Hendrix

Monday, April 26, 2010

ranting and raving

like i said: yesterday sucked. today started out ok, but is turning into a suck fest as well. this will more that likely be a rambling and all over the place post-more than usual, i should say. i hope you can hang in there with me despite the whiny crybaby antics that are about to ensue.
things started going downhill about the middle of last week. i had this "destination wedding" to go to, but needed a few things done to my car before i embarked on a road trip. i had arranged quite some time ago for a friend to those things, but he had to work around his family and his day job. he got half the work done, but i was getting nervous. i dont like to drive long distances on my own, so i started to think about who might want to spend the day with me and take a drive.
well...that list is a mile long, but it was last minute. i had planned to step outside of my comfort zone and just make the trip solo, but who could i ask last minute? that list is considerable shorter. i really thought and agonized over it for a while. i didnt want to inconvenience anyone. i have really good friends who know how i hate to drive long distances alone. if i asked, they would probably really juggle stuff to help me out. i didnt want that.
barring his cancer diagnosis, gbf is my go-to friend for these kind of situations. on one hand, i could see him jumping at the chance to get away for the day and just get outside of his head and enjoy some scenery, but then again, he was just diagnosed with cancer. he had biopsies and chemo and radiation treatments coming up. maybe he didnt want to take a road trip.
another factor that played into this drama(in my head anyway)was that while i was invited to the wedding and i filled out my rsvp with a +1, the happy couple had to withdraw the invite for the + 1 because their venue had limited space and some out of town guests that they did not expect to come, rsvp'd.
so whoever i asked, they wouldnt even get the benefit of a free meal and the fun and excitement of watching a bunch of people get drunk and make fools of themselves.
i ultimately decided to put it out there to gbf. i decided just to see if he had any interest in going and then i would give him all the circumstances and see if he still wanted to go. gbf is one of my dearest friends. he would go above and beyond the call of duty to help me even if it meant sacrificing his own comfort. it all seemed like a very delicate operation at the time.
gbf wanted to go. i was relieved, but had to tell him the rest of the details and make sure he still wanted to make the trip and spend a few hours on his own. he was still on board, but commented that it was odd how the wedding was playing out. i agreed, but i was committed, so what could i do? besides bail on the whole thing, that is.
i was relieved to have that in place. gbf felt it would be good for him to get out before all the tests and treatments started. it was a good thing for both of us. or so i thought.
i had my outfit planned out. interesting side note: they sent out save the date cards. then the invitation. then they sent out a reminder card which reminded everyone to dress for a wedding. no jeans, shorts, or flip flops. do we need to be reminded of this? i tried a few things on and decided on something really nice-kind of spring like colors and some sassy heels. i lined up a friend to curl my very straight hair so i would have an actual hair do instead of my usual style.
i was thwarted at every turn.
while ironing my shirt, i burnt a hole in it, not knowing(because i didnt read the freaking label)that it had nylon in it. cute shirt ruined. it caused my physical pain to throw it in the trash. there was no way to save it.
needed plan b for an outfit. i felt my blood pressure rising. stress causes wrinkles. i had to calm down. i kept reminding myself to breathe deeply.
took the curlers out of my hair. i looked like a freaking poodle. reminded myself again to breathe deeply.
blood pressure started heading towards the normal range when i checked myself out in the mirror. my plan b outfit looked really nice.
dashed to the car, hoping no one would see my hair. grateful for tinted windows. my friend was a miracle worker and i left her house with gorgeous hair. my breathing was returning to normal, but not completely.
a short while before i left to get my hair done, gbf called me to let me know that he was "concerned" with how i asked him to go along on this trip. questioning why i didnt tell him up front that he couldnt come to the wedding. now, gbf and i go way back. there is a solid foundation of trust there. i was upset, but i explained myself(which i have never had to do before)and then he apologized for even questioning me. his behavior has been somewhat erratic since his diagnosis. understandable and i think completely normal, but i was on edge. slightly.
i consider just blowing off the wedding, but i get myself over to gbf's house and we hit the road. for the majority of the trip, he is acting very weird. he really isnt talking to me at all,but texting and emailing from his phone. its obvious the communications are upsetting him and when i ask him about it, he tells me how he is fielding all sorts of emails from some friends and family members telling him what to do regarding his treatment. he is feeling its necessary to defend himself and his treatment choices. when i gently(seriously. i was gentle and very diplomatic)suggested that he take a break from all the emails and texts for his own peace of mind-he practically bit my head off.
then he shifted his focus to telling me all the different ways that our trip was inconvenient for him. his dogs would be fed late. the cats schedule would be interrupted. he wouldnt be home when his husband got there. what the..?!?
this really isnt him and i realized that, but it sure made for a very uncomfortable few hours in the car with him.
when we arrived at the resort he seemed changed. he said he was glad to be there-asked to take my picture because he thought i looked so pretty. he went to wander and i went to the wedding.
the wedding. well, i quickly realized why they felt it necessary to remind their guests to wear appropriate attire. at the risk of sounding too judge-y WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE? is an un-tucked button down dress shirt screen printed with graphics really the way to go? how about a dress that is basically 2 and half feet of fabric that wont even cover the band on your strapless bra? the rules were followed. there were no flip flops or shorts-i did see one pair of jeans, but they were a very dark wash and he was wearing an appropriate shirt and coat.
the wedding itself had potential, but the bride really tried to work too much in. too many different songs as the various attendants walked down the aisle, too much quirky, metaphysical stuff. you could really see what she was shooting for, but it all fell a little short.
i got my seat assignment and found myself sitting at a half empty(i couldnt bring my +1?, really?)with the wives of the groomsmen and a lesbian couple. all of them were nice, but questioned me when i passed on the champagne and asked for sparkling cider. i always wonder what to do in those situations-i could lie and just say i dont want to drink and drive,joke about being an alcoholic(could be poor taste)or just find a way to explain the religious reasons without sounding preachy or self righteous. i just copped to being lds and was introduced to the jack mormon of the table. we had a brief religious discussion on free agency as she drank her tequila sunrise.
i was odd man out in more ways than one-both the bride and the groom are short-they come from short families. i was going to say "little people", but then i worried you might think they were actual dwarfs which is not the case and not the point of the story at all. everyone there was short. i had heels on. i towered over everyone-i saw the tops of everyones head. i got a few looks too. maybe they were appreciating the long legs, but it seemed more like "holy crap! she is tall." i normally dont mind that, heck, i am used to it, but i was bothered by everything at that point.
i have been single for a lot of years. engagements, weddings, and babies dont bother me. i dont get jealous. usually. sitting at that table with the lesbians and the jack mormon, i was lonely. i was mad that i drove with angry gbf. i wanted my boyfriend or husband to drive me and sit at the table with me. dance a few dances. maybe get a fancy room at the luxurious resort and have amazing hotel sex.
even i am getting bored with this story, but i have reached the point of no return. i will try to wrap it up... the food was good. the toasting portion ran on and on and on. nothing like moderately drunk people clumsily expressing their love for the happy couple. i was texting gbf to find out how he was doing. initially he said fine, but in a matter of 20 minutes he was mad because it was getting late(8pm, but we had a long drive)and i was still unable to break away. it was a small gathering. if the amazon at the back table stood up to leave-it would be noticed. finally all the "toasting" was over and i ran to the ladies room(long drive ahead)and on my way out i ran into the groom. he was bummed i was leaving so early, but when i explained, he insisted that he get his wife to say good bye. his wife who was doing the electric slide. it took her 10 minutes to get off the dance floor. tick tock. quick hugs and best wishes and i was out of there.
the ride home was much like the ride there, but not quite as intense. despite leaving later than planned, we made great time. gbf gave me a hug and said he was glad he went. i took him at his word, got in my car, and drove home.
the bad mood carried over to sunday. my post wedding curls were a mess, but i woke up late and didnt have time to wash my hair and blow dry it. i futzed with it until i threw it up in a clip in utter despair. it looked like crap and i had one wild curl that couldnt be tamed.
since i was late, i sat in the foyer. an old friend from another ward saw me and came to tell me about a facebook "issue" that was going on in our stake and our ward, namely our relief society presidency. someone anonymously turned in what they thought was a questionable picture to the stake president. i just couldnt believe it. the picture was nothing. the fact that it went as far as it did was ridiculous. i know some post lewd pictures on facebook, but our entire ward is "friends" on facebook. no one would do that. my eye is still twitching over that one. some people act like such assholes in the name of religious propriety. i hate it.
then came the news that a young sister in our ward was diagnosed with terminal cancer. the surgery was unsuccessful and she has 6 months to live. she bore her testimony right after the diagnosis and cried when she said she knew she would be ok because her patriarchal blessing states that she will be married and have children. now this. miracles happen. i am praying for a miracle for her. its so sad to me. it would be sad for anyone, but its just too much. too many people i know are getting cancer.
its time for it all to get better for a while.
i thank you if you were able to make it through all the ranting and poor writing. i just needed to purge all the emotions about how life has been sucking so bad lately.

Sunday, April 25, 2010


today sucked.

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Isn't it time for the corset style bodice on a wedding dress to be out of style?
Cranky at a wedding. No plus 1 because the guest list couldn't accomadate it. Now I am at a half empty table w/ the girfriends of the groomsmen.
At the risk of sounding like the old lady that I am... What the hell are the kids wearing today & what makes them think its appropriate for a wedding?
Random rant: I hate the new maxi dresses. They look ridiculous. I hate it when men wear earrings in each ear. Just sayin

Friday, April 23, 2010

fortune cookie

Ones mind, once stretched by a new idea,never regains its original dimensions.

Thursday, April 22, 2010


“The absence of flaw in beauty is itself a flaw.”
― Havelock Ellis

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

cougar season in the grocery store

saw the yummiest guy in the grocery store. tall. dressed casual, but not sloppy. did i say tall? the cutest wavy sandy brown hair and slightly tan like he had just spent the weekend working in the backyard or fishing or something equally manly and outdoorsy. then i noticed the gun in the holster hanging from his belt. off duty law enforcement? why is that so freaking attractive(more on that later)? did i mention how tall he is? he had a little girl in the cart, but no wedding ring(just like me, had my 4 yr old niece with me). we were checking each other out in a civilized way-no lewd club type gawking. he was young. MAYBE 30. sigh. we were in different lines, but ended up out in the parking lot around the same time-i noticed how he was a total pro at getting the little girl into the car seat. no fumbling at all. i like that a lot. one last glance and i drove away. i can be pretty bold, but there is NO WAY i am walking up to a man with a child-he could just be one of those guys who doesnt wear a wedding ring OR is living with a woman he is madly in love with without the benefit of marriage. oh yeah- the case of michelob light in his car was a slight deterrent.

Monday, April 19, 2010

smc cooks southern charm

ok-as i predicted, the dating hiatus has brought on more cooking. i love to cook, but i have really been doing a lot more than normal and trying some new recipes. i have also increased my pathetic work out schedule to compensate for all the taste testing. so far, so good. ;-)
my mom got me the mitford kitchen cookbook years ago. i loved the series of novels that tells of the life of a small town episcopal priest and was always interested in the delicious food that was described in those pages. this marmalade cake is mentioned in every one of the 6(or is it 7?) books. apparently, it never really existed and when jan karon went to write the cookbook, she turned to southern living magazine cooks to create the recipe. it really is to die for. i made it for a family dinner. the kids did not really care for it-i think its the tiny bit of bitter from the marmalade that threw their immature taste buds off-but the adults loved it and fought over who would get the last piece. i will definitely be making this again.

Esther's Orange Marmalade Cake
adapted from Recipes from the Mitford Kitchen by
Jan Karon


For the cake
1 cup unsalted butter, softened, more for greasing the pans
3 1/4 cups cake flour, more for dusting the pans (i made my own cake flour by combining 6tbs cornstarch with 2 3/4 c. flour to equal the 3 1/4 cups. hope that math is right. it worked just fine for me.)
1 tablespoon baking powder
1 teaspoon salt
2 2/3 cups granulated sugar
5 large eggs, at room temperature
4 large egg yolks, at room temperature
2/3 cup vegetable oil
1 tablespoon grated orange zest
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
1 cup buttermilk, at room temperature

For the orange syrup
1 cup freshly squeezed orange juice
1/4 cup granulated sugar

For the filling
1 (12-ounce) jar orange marmalade

For the frosting (i have made this type of frosting before, but i substituted my yummy frosting from a few weeks ago. delicious)
1 cup heavy cream, chilled
4 tablespoons granulated sugar
1 cup sour cream, chilled

The cake. Preheat the oven to 350°F. Lightly butter three 9-inch round cake pans, line them with parchment paper, then lighly butter and flour the paper, shaking out the excess. (please use parchment paper. i was out and skipped this step. it was a messy process stacking the layers because they are so moist from the syrup.)

Sift the flour, baking powder, and salt into a large bowl. Sift a second time into another bowl. In the bowl of an electric mixer, beat the butter on medium speed until light in color, about 4 minutes. Add the 2 2/3 cups sugar in a steady stream with the mixer running. Beat until light and fluffy, about 4 minutes. Add the eggs and yolks, one at a time, beating well after each addition. Be sure to stop at least once to scrape down the batter from the sides of the bowl. After all the eggs have been added, continue to beat on medium speed for 2 more minutes. With the mixer on low speed, add the oil and beat for 1 minute. In a small bowl, combine the orange zest, vanilla, and buttermilk. Using a rubber spatula, fold in half of the dry ingredients. Scrape down the sides of the bowl and add half of the buttermilk mixture. Fold in the remaining dry ingredients, scrape down the sides, and add the remaining buttermilk.

Pour the batter among the prepared pans, smooth the surface, rap each pan on the counter to expel any air pockets or bubbles, then place in the oven. Bake for 30 to 35 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted into the center comes out clean. Let the cakes cool in the pans on racks for 20 minutes.

The orange syrup. In a small bowl, stir together the orange juice and 1/4 cup sugar until the sugar is dissolved. While the cakes are still in the cake pans, use a toothpick or skewer to poke holes at 1/2-inch intervals in the cake layers. Spoon the syrup over each layer, allowing the syrup to be completely absorbed before adding the remainder. Let the layers cool completely in the pans.

The filling. Heat the marmalade in a small saucepan over medium heat until just melted. Let cool for 5 minutes.

The frosting. In a chilled mixing bowl, using the wire whisk attachment, whip the heavy cream with the 4 tablespoons sugar until stiff peaks form. Add the sour cream, a little at a time, and whisk until the mixture is a spreadable consistency.

To assemble the cake. Invert one of the cake layers on a cake plate and carefully peel off the parchment. Spread one-third of the marmalade over the top, smoothing it into an even layer. Invert the second layer on top of the first, peel off the parchment, and spoon another third of the marmalade on top. Place the third cake layer on top, remove the parchment, and spoon the remaining marmalade onto the center of it, leaving a 1 1/4-inch border around the edges. Frost the sides and the top border with the frosting, leaving the marmalade on top of the cake exposed. Or, if you prefer, frost the entire cake first, adding the marmalade as a garnish on top.

Chill for at least 2 hours before serving. (i served it about an hour after i made it and it was good, but the next day, after it had been in the fridge all night, it was amazing!)

Sunday, April 18, 2010


there is a young family in our ward that catches my attention every sunday. they are a very nice couple-both kind of quiet, 3 kids under 3 years old. pretty stereotypical, but every sunday brother whatshishead gets up right after sacrament is passed and takes his non crying 18 month old daughter out of the chapel. he is gone for 15 or 20 minutes and comes back into the chapel with her asleep, cradled in his arms. every sunday without fail this plays out. i just wonder what the deal is. not that i dont think its ok for the dad to take the kids out, but why is it always him? most people leave the chapel if the kid is being disruptive-why are they taking a reverent child out? things that make you go "mmmmmmmmm..."

someday my prince will come

odd, random memory: about 6 months after i got married and moved across the country i got a package from my grandmother. it was a lovely music box. not a box really, a small statue of a girl in a hoop skirt and bonnet(blonde hair and blue eyes)and when you twisted her base it played "some day my prince will come" from snow white and the seven dwarfs.
i loved it-my grandmother was one of my most favorite people and it didnt occur to me until much later that despite being married, i was still waiting for my prince to come. i am sure my grandmother didnt mean anything by it. just how my freaky mind works sometimes.

Saturday, April 17, 2010

just a few thoughts. not original. not mine, but i liked them.

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your
computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize
you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. Just how the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5, as I'm pretty
sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the
Person died.

9. Bad decisions make good stories.

10. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work
when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the
rest of the day.

11. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after BlueRay? I don't
want to have to restart my collection...again.

12. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if
I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear I did
not make any changes to.

13. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn
it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to
voice mail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run

14. I hate leaving my house confident and looking really good and then not
seeing anyone of importance the entire day, What a waste!

15. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to
answer when they call.

16. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

17. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or
Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than with Kay.

18. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

19. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and
suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw

20. I would rather try to carry 10 grocery bags in each hand than take 2
trips to bring my groceries from the car into the house.

21. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish
a text, change my shoes or finish applying my mascara.

22. Sometimes I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom
and hunger.

23. How many times do you suppose it is OK to say "What?" before you just
nod and smile because you still didn't hear, understand or you just weren't
paying attention to a word they just said?

24. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to
prevent a jerk from cutting in to your lane. Stay strong, brothers and

25. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty,
and you can wear them forever.

26. Is it just me or do teenagers get dumber & dumber every year?

27. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going
down after leaning your chair back just a tad too far.

28. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not
know what time it is.

29. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys
in a pocket or purse, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the
Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3
feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, pitch black, first time, every


“The truth is the kindest thing we can give...”
— Harriet Beecher Stowe

Friday, April 16, 2010

now what?

so...gbf has cancer. possibly lung cancer which is one of the most insidious. he has a consult with a pulmonologist today and a biopsy will probably be scheduled for next week. i am hoping that he is able to schedule it on his husbands(they were married in california during the brief time it was legal)day off. i will go with him if he cant, but i dread being a witness to this. ultimately, i know i will be strong enough to handle it, but when i contemplate it, i cant imagine how i will.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

accidental vegetarian

it was a complete accident, but i didnt eat any meat yesterday. i dont know if i have ever done that in my whole life. i dont want to be a vegetarian, but after seeing food, inc and king corn i want to eat a lot less of it and make better choices. found a ranch nearby that processes its own grass fed beef and its surprisingly affordable. not .99 cents a pound on sale affordable, but not cost prohibitive like i thought it would be.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

walking zombie

didnt get to sleep until after 4 this morning. gbf(gay best friend)had a doctors appointment today and i should have heard from him by now, but i havent. sent him an email, but no response yet. this worries me. i hope he didnt get even more bad news, like he is stage IV or something.
trying to stay awake so i can just go to bed a little on the early side and get a good nights sleep. thats my hopeful plan.
i hate this so much, but its life, right? people get sick. our parents die. jobs are lost and relationships break up. endure to the end.
trying to remain hopeful and positive, but i am still in a daze.

ps- blogger keeps telling me that i have comments to moderate, but when i click on the link,it shows nothing. if you are commenting, i am not getting them. please try again. i love to get the comments.


i cant sleep. gbf called me today to tell me that he has lung cancer. to say that i am stunned is an understatement. i have been researching statistics and treatments. the statistics suck-there is like a 15% survival rate. he is at least a stage 2 since it is already in his lymph nodes. praying a lot. calling temples and having his name put on the prayer roll.
some good news is that his youth is on his side. who thought 40 would be considered "young"? the average age of diagnosis is 71. the majority of deaths is in that age bracket while the 37-44 age bracket is much, much lower.
praying a lot.
it just doesnt seem real.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

smc cooks amish sandwich bread

this is possibly the easiest bread you will ever make. a woman in my ward was talking about it and was nice enough to send the recipe to me. i have plenty of experience making bread-i love to do it, but i REALLY like this recipe. slightly sweet, but you could still make a sandwich out of this easy to slice bread.

amish sandwich bread

2 cups warm water
3/4 cups sugar
2 tbs(4 envelopes)yeast
1/4 cup oil
6 cups flour
1/2 tsp salt(the original recipe doesnt call for it and its great without it, but i am going to try it with a little salt to see what it does. i think it will even be better.)

dissolve the sugar in the warm water. sprinkle the yeast on top, proof for 5 minutes.
(bread making 101: yeast loves sugar-it eats it up! if the yeast does not get all bubbly and yeasty smelling, then its a dud. start with new yeast. you probably know that, but i am just saying.)
stir in the oil.
if you are going to add salt, do it here.
add the flour a cup at a time. you can do this by hand or with a stand mixer. once the dough starts to pull together and form a ball, turn out onto a lightly floured surface and knead a few times.
cover and let rise in an oiled bowl for about an hour.
punch down(or use alton browns "degassing" method from dr strangeloaf), knead a few more times and split the dough in half. form loaves(that clip shows you how to do that too.)and place in greased loaf pans. cover and allow to rise for about an hour. bake at 350 for 20-30 min.
this bread never stays around long enough to go stale, so have butter and honey ready for your family to gobble it up

not so deep

i am having a good hair day. yeah me.
the mormon bachelor pad is having a giveaway-a shabby apple dress. they say they picked the hottest one, which only confirms the fact that what we think we look good in and what men like on us can be polar opposites.
i really wanted to write some stuff that i found out yesterday. stuff about how women can be just as big of assholes as men can. trying to run it through my mind to see if i can keep the story truthful, get the point across, but keep the woman and her family beyond anonymous. its pretty intense stuff that blows my mind.
i dont excuse bad behavior in men, but i definitely find the same type of behavior in women to be far more....i dont know. horrible. does that make me sexist?

Friday, April 9, 2010


“Nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished.”
―Lao Tzu

simply stated, but certainly tells a deeper truth not only about nature, but the possibilities of human nature. particularly the nature of emotional healing--you cant hurry it in any way. if you try to push the fast forward button, you almost will certainly have to rewind and do over the parts you tried to rush through.
in the church, we hear a lot about the "Lord's time table." he created all things perfectly and they all have a season-nothing is rushed. 9 months to make a baby. a summer to grow corn. seems like we get into trouble when we try to rush such things or circumvent the process.
i recently watched two movies on netflix(love 'watch instantly') called "Food Inc." and "King Corn". while they talk about a lot of different things regarding modern farming and how it affects how we eat as a nation, one of the things that really struck me was how they(farmers, scientists, etc) have found ways to speed the process. there are chemical companies who have patented seeds , yes, SEEDS. how in the hell did that happen? the company(forget the name now) actually hires private investigators to find out if farmers are using any other seeds besides the patented ones-if they are-the company that holds the patent sues the farmer-essentially ruining them financially.
i recommend both of those movies. they are real eye openers. they also list very doable things that every person can do to make a difference.
we have different guides for our emotional natures. we all rush. shoot for the quick fix as opposed to doing the hard work that will heal us instead of just putting a band aid on a gaping chest wound.
i have generously mocked the part of our culture that rushes things. mormons are famous for meeting and marrying in extremely short periods of time. we are attempting to shortcut something that is meant to last for an eternity. its no wonder that the divorce rate in the church is almost as high as the national average.
the youngsters, generally speaking, want to rush things so they can "legally" have sex. i think that applies to us geezers as well, but there is so much additional baggage-wounds from past relationships, kids, and addictions that we have to consider. is it worth rushing into a marriage that will solve an immediate need for romance and companionship if you quickly discover that the person you married is addicted to pornography? not all examples are that extreme, but even less detrimental differences need time to be negotiated and resolved.
good things are worth the wait. and the work.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

character and compassion

"Learning to endure times of disappointment, suffering, and sorrow is part of our on-the-job training. These experiences, while often difficult to bear at the time, are precisely the kinds of experiences that stretch our understanding, build our character, and increase our compassion for others."

Joseph B. Wirthlin, "Come What May, and Love It, Ensign"

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

disappearing comments

some of the comments in the last day or 2 are disappearing. i really like all the comments and dont want to lose a one-if you dont see yours, please re-comment, i dont want to lose them. thanks.

something to always remember

“What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.”
― Ralph Waldo Emerson

Monday, April 5, 2010


i totally agree. unless they are gay, men are not interested in a friendship that they dont think will end up in bed. the sex "thing" is always "out there".
with the exception of tgws(tall guy with sunglasses, my first real boyfriend)i have chosen not to be friends with any of my ex's . it took me and tgws over 20 years to get to the point where we can put all the nastiness behind us and be friendly. we actually just had a lengthy facebook im session the other night. its weird, but good. glad its gotten to that point, but its fairly obvious that he is interested in trying to renew a romantic relationship. i know it will never work. he is so very anti-religion and is very cynical of my activity in church. funny how he used to be the guy who came to church with me every sunday just to be with me.

smc beauty - make your own facial masks

skin care can really get expensive. i have always been a sucker for the latest and greatest products, but sometimes my budget just doesnt allow for all that i want to try. now that i am in ah hum... FORTIES, its even more important to me to keep those free radicals from reeking havoc on my face and turning me into the crypt keeper.
i have included a few simple recipes that cover all skin types. i started giving myself homemade oatmeal masks(seventeen magazine told me to)when i was in my early teens and i think its almost never too early to start. an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure when it comes to your skin.

for all skin types:

oatmeal-yogurt mask
1 tbs finely ground oatmeal(i grind up a cup or two and keep it in a jar so its always on hand)
1 tbs plain yogurt
3-4 drops warm honey(warm a metal spoon under hot water, then drop the honey onto the spoon and use to stir)
apply to face and leave on for aprox 15 minutes. rinse with warm water.

oily skin

honey banana mask
1 ripe banana
1 tbs honey
orange or lemon
mix banana and honey. add juice from the lemon or orange. stir to combine and smooth onto face. after 15 minutes, rinse with warm water.

for acne prone skin

strawberry acne mask
1/4 c fresh strawberries
1/4 c sour cream or plain yogurt
mash together, spread on face, rinse with warm water after 15 minutes.
strawberries are a natural source of salicylic acid which is used in many acne products.


honey anti wrinkle mask
1/2 tbs honey
1/2 tsb carrot juice
1/2 cup water
pinch of baking soda
add baking soda to water, soak a cotton ball in solution. mix honey and carrot juice, use damp cotton ball to apply mask to face. rinse with warm water after 15-20 minutes. carrots are a good source of vitamin a, which is used in anti wrinkle products.


egg white and yogurt
2 egg whites
2 tbs pain yogurt
mix together and apply to face. rinse after 10-15 min with warm water

Sunday, April 4, 2010


mr jack mormon said something to me the last time he petitioned me for some pre marital shenanigans that i found very curious indeed. "you sure do love yourself, dont you?" is the comment he made to me. initially, i took it as the insulting barb he intended it to be, but after about two seconds of being pissed off, i replied, "how is it that you confuse self respect with conceit and self importance?" he had no reply, of course. he generally doesnt when i make a valid point that is contrary to his. i was just saying "no." not "hell no, you heathen, unscrupulous pig! i am far too good for you. i am pure and you are just filth." i dont even think that. i think some of the points he makes about premarital sex are valid. maybe even smart. if you are only considering the secular aspects of his argument. while i see some of his points, they are trumped by the spiritual. he just doesnt get it. i take that back. he does. he gets it just fine, he just rejects it and by doing so, rejects me. he disagrees with me-says i am rejecting him. sigh.

smc loves genealogy. NOT!

amongst our people, admitting an aversion to genealogy is like saying you dont like mo-tab or milk or wheat bread or or or...CASSEROLES.
i have never cared to do genealogy. oh sure,i did my little pedigree chart in merry miss class, but the bug never bit me. it bit my grandmother big time. she had a suitcase full of pedigree charts, pictures, and eventually floppy disks. i loved the stories she told and admired what she was doing,but the excitement never caught on.
it was just a few years ago that i went through the temple for my own ordinances and i have been attending the temple regularly ever since. when a close friend gave me one of her names from her genealogy work, it kind of opened my eyes. doing this for someone i know opened my eyes to the excitement of it all.
i signed up for the new church website,but quickly grew disinterested.
recently another friend said she really wanted to start doing temple work for her family and would i help her? of course! we joked a little about how we know nothing about even starting the whole process. my ward has a great family history specialist, so i am sure i will start there.
Elder Scott's(i think it was him)talk further inspired me to just get off my butt and do this. people are waiting.

getting better

due to circumstances almost completely within my control, i have rarely sat and watched conference live. i usually TRY , but generally fall back on tivo(love tivo)and watch bits and pieces throughout the upcoming weeks. yes. i said WEEKS. i am sure that i dont need to tell you that something gets lost by following this manner of watching conference. last october i was almost completely unable to participate in any of the "didnt you just love that talk by elder _____?" conversations. it bummed me out and i vowed to do better this conference. so far, so good. well...kind of. i havent watched any of saturdays, but i sat and watched this mornings session in its entirety. i always love to hear President Uchtdorf speak. He is always so uplifting. they all are really. so glad i watched. any favorite highlights you can share with me?

Friday, April 2, 2010

hookin up

"hookin up" was not a common phrase in my vernacular growing up. when it was said, it meant meeting up with friends. it became more common, but i was unaware of any explicit sexual connotation until after my divorce. i didnt understand why the guy i was seeing at the time got so irritated when i said i was going to "hook up" with my friends-some of them who were men. turns out that where he comes from and his "generation" (he was several years younger than me. i know, cougar.)uses the term "hookin up" as slang for sex-namely casual sex. one night stands and bootie calls. i stopped using the phrase completely just to avoid being misunderstood.
i mention this because i have been noticing my teenage nieces and nephews posting their "lover of the day" on facebook. they are too young to have lovers! what the heck are they talking about and why arent they ashamed to post such things for their aunt to see? i am thinking that like "hookin up", that the term "lover", might not mean to them what it means to me. i will be seeing two of them this weekend and i am hoping to get the whole story on this "lover" business. if their spinster aunt doesnt have a lover there is NO WAY that these teenage kids are going to have one!

head games

i HATE head games. can i play them? yes i can...VERY WELL, but i choose not too. sometimes i really want to screw with mr jack mormons head just to get even for all of his crap, but that wouldnt be very mature OR very Christ-like would it? might even take away from my platform of choosing abstinence because i think its the RIGHTEOUS thing to do. could be a lot of fun. i was thinking of playing an april fools joke on him yesterday, but again thought better of it. does that make me boring? or just a grown up? sigh.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

april fool

went out to lunch with an old friend today and when she asked me what was new, i said "nothing". then she asked if i had heard from mr jack mormon. that WAS new. well...old, but new-you know, hearing from him just the other day after months of silence. i recapped his usual schtick "can we please have sex?", etc and when she joked, "so did you go for it this time?", i looked her right in the eye and said "yep."
we have been friends since high school. we dont have the same standards, but she has always supported mine. i didnt judge her when she was having all kinds of premarital sex and she defended me when i was teased for being a prude. needless to say, her jaw dropped, but there was a definite gleam in her eye. shes been married over 20 years and the za za zoom has definitely left their bedroom. she was hoping for some juicy details. i smiled big and said APRIL FOOLS!!