Sunday, April 26, 2009

mr nice guy

soooooooo. after about 6 weeks of not hearing from mr nice guy he calls me yesterday. sigh. he is so nice. he is sweet. he is trapped by a life he will not make a move to escape from. i know he loves me. i for sure loved him. once. it just fires up such anger in me. he and i had made plans to be married. he was really wanting to do it fast, but then all the details of his crazy life came into focus. then i wasted more than a year listening to his promises of change. nothing ever changed. nothing ever happened. its embarassing. i get so pissed off. just when i am settling down and facing life again. he calls. he loves me. he wants to be with me, BUT HE DOES NOTHING. i know if he pulled his head out he would be a very loving and kind husband. he would do anything for me, but he wont break the chains that bind him now. as i typed that, it sounds like he is married or something. hes not married. no infidelity. i might have to blog about it later. his life is insane. even if he did break away, i doubt he could ever be normal.

Friday, April 24, 2009

tears are falling

wonder if anyone will catch the 80's hair metal reference in this post's title? probably the one faint glimmer of humor that i am feeling.
the silliest things are making me cry. reading a book. watching john and kate plus 8. i am just so sad. i have decided to do the 90 day dating detox that the Millionare Matchmaker recommends its been about a month so far and i am not realizing how used i got to either mr ex man or mr nice guy calling me after a few weeks of silence. i really dont think i will hear from mr ex man again. i will probably post more on that later, but for now, that will suffice. i really told mr nice guy to go away. i have told him before and it never sticks, but he has now gone longer than he ever has before, so i am on my own. i am sure i could do the co-dependant thing and call either one of them. engage mr ex man in an argument or get mr nice guy to come running. so far i havent done either. if you want something different, you have to do something different, right? it just stinks. i get now why people run into the arms and/or bed of the next closest person. makes you forget. makes you feel wanted and loved. even for a second. still not doing it. just get it now.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

why does it work this way?

a man that i briefly dated came to church today. i met him on nice guy. a little boring, but you never know if that is just nerves or what. we went on a few dates. he is truly boring. a nice man. sweet as can be, but just not my cup of tea. he is a transplant from a far away place and living in a neighboring small town that is even smaller than the town i live in. so small that he is still in the same ward with his ex wife. he's a convert, so i introduced him to the concept of having his records moved to a new ward. well, he picked mine. he works a crazy schedule so he literally goes months without coming to church. like i said, he showed up today. i feel bad because he has timidly put it out there that he would like to go out again. i definitely do not want to go out with him. the man i want cant get it together to be with me and someone i have no interest in would probably do a lot in order to be with me. sometimes i wonder if HF is teaching me a lesson-like go for the boring guy. arent we supposed to get our hearts desire? he has 2 kids and he loves them, but he is very apathetic about what goes on in their lives. he is just very vanilla. not that i am all crazy and exotic, but he's the guy who is content to sit on a lake all day with a rod and reel and do nothing. he is not a talker. at all. it doesnt seem like he really has a testimony. i need a man with a bit of a testimony. i dont want to be dragging someone along. i am rambling. again. just want to be with mr ex man.i was in a meeting and while doing a group scripture study i came across a scripture i had highlighted, wrote the date, and wrote mr ex mans initials. it made me so sad seeing it there. when i did it, i was certain we would be married. praying to get over it. he was cruel and insensitive. why would i want a man like that? the promises in the beginning. ones he actually delivered on. it wasnt all smoke and mirrors. i read this article:
mr ex man met all those points. for a short time. i miss what we were. i want it back, but its been gone for so long. for much longer than it was there. just wish i knew if i screwed up the confirmation or if his free agency trumped it all.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

new title sucks!!!

i logged in today and saw my new title and it instantly irritated me. it sounds pious. maybe a little self righteous. i am neither of those things,but the thing that irritates me the most is that by just reading it makes me feel like i am being judged. there is an under current amongst the sa mormon world that tells us if you are keeping the law of chastity then you must be wholly unattractive. fat. ugly.crazy. so crazy that no man would want you anyway. amongst a people who are supposed to be following this important doctrine. i am not judging anyone who chooses to have sex outside of marriage, just wonder why its so rare with our people.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

unintentional plagerism

a very nice lawyer stumbled upon my blog and took the time to tell me there is another "no sex in the city" blog from a lds girl living in manhattan. she totally deserves the title sex in the city. i live no where near manhattan. before i started all this i did a few casual searches and never found her blog. blah. i changed mine up, but i am going to have to find something jazzier. definately a boring blog title.

Monday, April 13, 2009

conference kick in the ass

our rs president has been driving home something President Monson said in the final session of conference. "your future is as bright as your faith". normally, this is the type of thing that would inspire me. really inspire me. just made me feel more angry. my faith isnt bright, but its making me think. putting the responsibility back on me. its rare, but this is a time that i am playing the victim. i dont want to be responsible for my broken heart. my circumstances. i can honestly say that nothing is a direct result of my own bad choices or bitter heart, but right now, i am not taking control. i dont feel empowered in the slightes. i want to be rescued. i hate that i am even saying it, but its true. spent a life time rescuing myself. want my knight to gallop up and save me. sigh.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

will this end?!?!

church was difficult today. i have no particular connection to easter. no bad memories or anything like that. it was just difficult. sat in the very back. i never do that. i didnt enjoy the talks. my favorite teacher in rs lesson did nothing for me. i felt guilty about that. i am pissed off and feeling sorry for myself. a girl in the ward approached me about going with her to some sa activities. i feel like i should go, do some sort of socializing, but i am just in no mood. blah. i need to think of something else to write about. my intention of a witty and cool look into my experience as a single mormon has just faded away. want to get it back.

Friday, April 10, 2009

and it keeps getting worse

man. i am sick of being pissed off. you think that i would just take control of this. do some serious praying or SOMETHING. its like i just get over one thing and i just get pissed off about another. my life is not what i want it to be. so change it, right? EVERYTHING i have tried ends in failure. or some degree of failure. then i stumble upon some information about other women who are living the life i want to be living. the life i planned. the life that i worked hard to live worthy of. why am i not getting these blessings? trying to find the lesson. trying to find the lesson. so sick of freakin lessons!!!

Thursday, April 9, 2009

still pissed off

so much crap is happening. something critical to my work(my limping along,salad days, work)is broken down and in the shop. dont know if it will be able to be repaired or how much it will cost. the check engine light came on in my car. i am not feeling well. some family issues are bubbling up(not mine to share,so "tick a lock") ARGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!! my heart hurts. i am trying to use "the secret" and of course, pray without ceasing, having faith, believing i will heart hurts. i hate being here. i feel so out of control and alone. this is where the anger comes in.....a lot of things that i am dealing with...if i was married and had that woujld be so much easier. i could use a shoulder to cry on. i need some arms around me. part of me wants to call mr nice guy,but that is pointless. i want to pick a fight with mr ex man., but that is even more pointless. the tears are welling up, but i am shoving them down. pointless as well. why is this soooooo hard? i just want to bail. oh yeah. i need a root canal.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

waking up pissed off

i rarely remember my dreams and last night was no exception, but it must have been bad, because i woke up mad. madder than hell. i hate waking up like that. i am trying not to think about mr ex man too much. it really wont get me anywhere and at worst will drive me to do the Mormon version of drunk dialing. cant do that. no no no. i guess i will just vent here. a year wasted. i am searching for the lessons. i guess there are personal lessons in letting things drag on and on, hoping for the best, but nothing but the worst being manifested week after week. the thing i am struggling with is the confirmation. this was so important to me, i didnt want to mess it up. i was willing to walk away if it wasnt what HF wanted for me. i felt it so strong. i dont think i got it wrong, but what other explanation is there? not that i expected it to be all wine and roses. i knew there would be challenges, but had a perfect faith that, along with the confirmation, would give me what i needed to deal with those challenges. he had no such faith. nothing i said or did mattered. he blamed me for things he did himself. called names. criticized. was hateful. i was always willing to forgive. at the end, i got angry. desperate to change it or end it. i said things i regret(nothing compared to the nasty name calling he provided)in order to get to that end. i was willing to be in his city and never call him, but i prayed. i begged for the guidance and for HF's will. mr ex man emailed. he called(after weeks of silence). is that not a sign? a push in that direction? it was such a disaster. it was all i feared it to be. maybe more. he blames me. says he could never give me the reassurance i need. like i am some sucking vortex of neediness? thanks alot. the only reassurance i needed was from the crap he dished out. why couldnt he see that? he takes no responsibility. shows no signs of remorse. even if he didnt love me or want to be with me(he denied both until the very end), why would he want to create such exit damage? he could have kindly left me behind if he truly believed all the crap he said about me. truly all lies,but he takes them as his truth-i think in an effort to excuse himself. i could analyze this to death. i probably will, but i am worn out. i am in no way trying to promote myself as perfect. i am not. i wasnt in this relationship, but i sought improvement and forgiveness. i really thought this was my dream come true. i am mad that it blew up in my face. it didnt have to.

Sunday, April 5, 2009

not thinking. greater understanding?

i used to be very judgemental(didnt feel that way at the time, but it was)about people who drank or used drugs to escape emotional pain. face your problem. use the gospel. we have The Atonement, whats your problem? there's more, but you get the idea. i also never understood people who settled for someone that wasnt a true fit for them. mediocre or even bad relationships just to have a warm and breathing body next to them in bed each night. i get it all now.i feel bad that i was so harsh. i usually kept these thoughts to myself. maybe expressing them to a few like-minded friends, but never confronting a person who was doing it. none of my business, right? i have not acted on these feelings. i know the outcome would be disasterous, but i get it now. get why people have drunken one night stands. turn to drugs to escape the thoughts that haunt them without ceasing. kind of sad. i hate being here. praying to get out soon.