Sunday, January 30, 2011


not the head kind. games that mormons play when they gather together. apples to apples, taboo, phase 10, and many others. heck, mormons make up their own games. anyway. i dont love games. most of them anyway. i have been watching facebook posts about the single adult activities and the majority of them(that arent dances)involve games.
i have been considering just throwing myself in to this social sphere, but a good friend made the point-if i go and meet someone there, doesnt that put us at a disadvantage because i dont love that scene?
i have been thinking about it and she is probably right. if i fake it through all the fun games, meet someone cute and fall and love, isnt it misrepresentation if i all of sudden tell him i dont want to play games?
i am mocked by those who know and care about me-they say that i was never a child because i dont like games or cartoons. its never been an issue or held me back in any way, but is it now?
if i got a big kick out of passing an orange down a line of people only using my neck-hands behind my back-would my life be different? would it be better?
am i thumbing my nose at lds tradition thus cutting of my nose to spite my face?
sigh. i just dont love games. a few, but not many. definitely not the ones they play at these things.

Saturday, January 29, 2011

needed change

i have the worst time ending a conversation first. i dont know why. i am sure it stems from some trauma in my past, but i couldnt tell you the specifics.
i will walk around with the phone or multi task while im'ing for hours just so i am not the one to end it first.
i think this is not very advantageous when it comes to guys. you are supposed to leave them wanting, right? be the first to hang up so they cant wait to talk to you again. i just dont do it. sometimes i need to. sometimes i should, but i dont.
when i absolutely have to hang up, i feel guilty. i feel like i am being rude.
is there a psychologist in the house?


the last few days i have attempted to write posts about some things that are painful for me, but i just cant seem to get it out. i start to type, but then i get supremely uncomfortable and stop.
what could be so uncomfortable? well......stuff like the fact that 99.9% of my friends are married and are not always free to hang out and when you just broke up with someone-you need distraction and i have to keep fighting for mine. its hard. i feel lonely.
or...the fact that mr jack mormon keeps trying to contact me. i am lonely and i know he would pick me up, take me to dinner, we would have a blast, and it wouldnt be a big deal. right? probably not. i just keep getting the overwhelming feeling that if i start with him all over again it would be 42 steps back. he is truly a road that leads nowhere and its not like i am a teenage with all this time to kill.
or....that i miss dick terribly. so much that it hurts. i hate even admitting that-i am a strong, independent woman! this aint my first rodeo-if i know anything, its how to get over a relationship. i have had many break up, but the difference here is that HE broke up with ME. admitting this makes me feel silly and weak. just typing THAT seems ridiculous. why would admitting emotional pain at the loss of someone you saw a future with be silly or weak?
sigh. my weekend plans keep changing and while i thought i would be spending the day with friends having a good time-i am on my own for now. got to find some stuff to do.

Thursday, January 27, 2011


i smile and wave at random road construction guys. they always wave back- i think it might be a nice change of pace since most people get really annoyed w/road construction.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

not acting lds

mr jack mormon facebooked me again advising me that i wasnt acting very lds by ignoring him.
do you agree? should i take the time to explain? maybe that would be the more Christ-like thing to do.

Monday, January 24, 2011

in it to win it

am i? i thought so, but maybe not. just read the singles ward most recent post and i feel a little queasy.
like i need another thing that i am not doing right?! i am in this weird spot and everything is hitting me the wrong way.
when they talked about changing what you do in order to get different results-that kind of hit home. someone mentioned to me the other day that i need to start dating outside my "type" which they happen to think is the "bad boy" type-as bad as active lds guys can get, i suppose.
of the most recent guys i have dated(tom, dick and harry)dick and harry had pasts and dick was a little edgy. tom was a nerd. i liked him, but i did end up rejecting him for dick.
its all too much to think about. i just need someone to show up at my door with official looking documentation showing that he is the right guy for me. thats it. not too much to ask, right?

Sunday, January 23, 2011


“Behind the story I tell is the one I don’t…Behind the story you hear is the one I wish I could make you hear.”
― Dorothy Allison

Saturday, January 22, 2011

fight or flight?

should a girl fight for a boy or just run away?

Thursday, January 20, 2011

dont be a jonah

i have been feeling the spirit nagging(probably not a good word or even an accurate word to describe the spirit, but its how i feel right now)me to do something i DO NOT want to do. kind of like that feeling that you should get up and bear your testimony, but you know you will probably get emotional-so emotional that you might break into the ugly cry. kind of like that, but worse. those urgings to bear ones testimony usually end if you successfully ignore it til the end of sacrament. not this one. i wake up with it and it bugs me all day. i negotiate a lot in my prayers explaining WHY i dont want to do it and why it probably WONT work out the way i want it to. its kind of big and scary to me and a few days ago i thought of jonah who ran away from what the Lord wanted him to do. look what happened to that guy. i thought to myself "i dont want to be a jonah." a few days later i happened to be in a small group meeting with the stake president(new calling)when he says "dont be a jonah." to say this took me by surprise would be an understatement. those four words echoed in my head to the point that i dont even remember what he was talking about that prompted him to say that. crazy, right? i mean, how often do YOU think about jonah? i can tell you that i rarely, if ever, think about jonah outside of a sunday school lesson or sacrament talk on the subject. neither which has happened recently. if they covered it in gospel doctrine last year, i totally missed that lesson.
coincidence? i think not, but i would love to hear what you guys think. tell me if you have had something similar happen.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

hard core

since i have blocked mr jack mormon from im'ing or emailing me, he has chosen to contact me via facebook. i deleted him as a friend 2 years ago(he was insulted), but i havent blocked him from sending me friend requests, which means he can email me. why havent i blocked him? i honestly did not think it was necessary. i just thought he would go away. today i got a short email that simple said "you are hard core about this silent treatment." i KNOW he is just trying to get a rise out of me and i am minimally tempted to engage in a bicker-fest with him, but i wont. i just dont get it. why? if you like me so much-STEP UP. if you dont-GO AWAY.
men. guys. boys. TELL ME WTF is going on?

Friday, January 14, 2011

weighing in on weighing in

yesterday i had a bunch of cool things to say about divine carolines 10 ways to get in his head. now? not so much.
in general, i think i am pretty strong in all ten ways with some opportunities for improvement in 8,9, and 10. not major improvement, but some. we cant be perfect, can we?
guys-tell me are these the ways a woman gets into your head?

mr ex man told me a few months ago that i was still in his head. seems like most of the men i have dated have come back-validating the rubber band theory.
mr jack mormon just a few weeks ago spent quite a bit of time trying to contact me via email, im, facebook, friends, and family. he even threatened to call my mother, who he has never met. i just ignored him. so done with that. its tempting considering the breakup-we would have fun, thats for sure, but its a waste of time and i want to stay true to tip number 9.
seems like i get into their heads alright,but not enough to create something lasting. i have more thoughts/questions on that, but i will save it for another post.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

weigh in, please

two different sets of plans got canceled tonight, so out of boredom i am watching a gilmore girls rerun and going through my bookmarks. check out this post and tell me what you think. i am going to write more on it in the near future when i have heard what some of you think.

high school sexy

my senior year,during one of my breakups with tgws, i dated mr mopey. a stereotypical brooding rocker guy who loved me with such intensity that it made me slightly uncomfortable.he was a member of the church, but had read "the god makers" and his whole family went inactive and freely bashed the church. he gave me the book to read, which i never did, but he loved me and my faithful ways anyway. even his mother loved me. apparently i was the only one in a long time that parted the dark clouds of his persona. his love and her adoration made for some rather uncomfortable dinners at his house.
mr mopey and i did not have a class together until fifth hour, so you can probably imagine my surprise when i was walking down the hall to my third hour science class that i was firmly grabbed by upper arm and pushed up against the lockers and kissed like i had never been kissed before. it was pretty hot.i had never seen mr mopy exert that much energy before and i was so distracted by the unexpected and very hot kiss that i didnt even chastise him for kissing me in the hallway at school.
i dont think he even said anything to me-i just walked into my science class.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

something weird

that has affected me more than i ever thought possible.
my sophmore year in high school there were so many seminary students that the seminary building and the one teacher could not manage them all.
brother cowboy was called to be our seminary teacher and chauffeur. he taught us every morning and then would take us to school. he was super cool and i remember him being a good teacher, but i dont remember a single thing he taught i only remember him telling us this:
he was joking about dating after he got home from his mission and how his grandmother admonished him to date at least 12 girls before he got married. he told about a few of the girls, but one stuck one in my brain-the one he broke up with because he didnt like how her thumbs looked. it was a funny story. they werent engaged or anything, but after a couple of dates he decided not to see her anymore because of her "weird" thumbs.
i havent thought much about it, but it came to me after i had been struggling with some self esteem issues, wondering why any man would be attracted to me(despite historical data contradicting these thoughts) because of my horrible disfigurements. ok-i MIGHT have been pms'ing, but i am not the only girl who goes through this, i assure you.
i digress-it got me thinking that if this great man(brother cowboy)rejected a perfectly nice woman because of her thumbs, what ridiculous grounds would a man reject me?
i have been racking my brain, trying to remember if i ever eliminated any guy because of something so silly.
have you? have you rejected someone because of their thumbs, or their feet, or any other shallow reason?

Tuesday, January 11, 2011


everything is a lie until it is proven to be the truth.

my most cynical friend lives by this. what do you guys think? it seems rather depressing to me, but if i followed her counsel, i would have avoided a lot of drama including, but not limited to...dick.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

come! we do it again!

my parents were really into the old movies-particularly musicals and they were the only thing we were able to watch on sunday after church. i particularly enjoyed hello dolly and the kind and i. this scene really makes me smile because tgws(who hated musicals, by the way)would go to church(which he hated, he came just to be with me)then would come to my house and suffer through a musical until my parents would kick him out. one night when i walked him out to his souped up 67 camaro, he struck out his hand yule brenner(as the king)style and he said "come! we do it again!" and proceeded to polka with me in the middle of my street. we ended up laughing and out of breath, but it was a good thing. a sweet memory of a sweeter boy who loved me, and for a time, did whatever he could to make me smile.

Friday, January 7, 2011

smc cooks-baking the best EVER chocolate chip cookies

i love good eats. its a fun and very informative show. i dont think they make new ones anymore, but the reruns are still great. i LOVED the one where he made the 3 different kinds of chocolate chip cookies for his sister to take to a pta meeting. i have no use for crispy or crunchy cookies, so i made the chewy version and fell in love. its basically the hershey toll house recipe with a few minor changes in ingredients and technique. so worth the little tweaks, trust me.
heres a clip

the broad strokes

dick arrived, we had a good day together filled with good food, laughter, and making out.
he got sick in the night. decided he should go home. we talked about it, i expressed concerns,he assured me he was just sick and needed to be in his own bed.
amazing kiss at the airport, he said "i love you" and left.
after a few weird text messages, he broke up with me via email a day or so later.
i know i am leaving out a ton of details, mainly because i cant wrap my head around them all and present them to you right now. they run from "he never loved me, it was all lies and i am a stupid sucker." to "he does love me, hes freaking out and he ran away. coward."
objectively, there are more fact to support the latter, but being a girl and having the basic(not horrible)low self esteem of the typical girl, it is so easy to believe the former.

pony tail

i only wash my hair 2-3 times a week. i totally buy into the philosophy that washing, blow drying and straightening your hair every day is damaging. on day 2 or 3 after the wash and blow out, my hair will no longer do what its supposed to do, but i am not ready to wash it, so what do i do? usually tease it a little and throw it up in a clip. i rarely wear pony tails any more, but lately, i have just felt like it.
today is a pony tail day and i suddenly remembered how tony, my boyfriend my junior year of high school loved me in a pony tail. the first time i wore one, i felt like i looked so horrible, but his eyes lit up and he told me how much he liked it. funny how different things just visually excite us. there you go, a brief trip down memory lane.

fight or flight

i just read a post over at divorced and 21 that really hit home with me. the whole concept of fight or flight really resonated with me when all of this drama went down with dick. i was mainly thinking of myself, but i wonder-do guys have that base set of reactions when faced with a huge change in their lives-albeit a positive one?

Thursday, January 6, 2011

not ready

i am getting there, but i am not ready to spill all the detail of what happened with dick. like most girls do, i am going over every detail i can remember with a fine tooth comb. the annoying thing is that nothing jumps out and says "ah-ha! this is what happened!"
everything that i consider has something to discount it. its frustrating. it hurts. i want it to stop.
praying a lot. going to the temple. trying to figure it out. trying to stop feeling like life is a crap shoot and it doesnt matter what i say or do-what is going to happen will happen.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

personal revelation

anybody have any thoughts on this? i have struggled a for quite a few years with this, thinking i have my wires crossed somehow. i maintain that i had a confirmation to marry msof and that turned out horrible. then (many years later) i feel like i had a confirmation regarding mr ex man. there were plenty of guys in between, so i am not one to stamp "destiny" on the forehead of any guy who takes me out to dinner. two confirmations and two disastrous endings.
i am worn out from the uncertainty. i long to have a story to tell where i received a burning bush type message to marry joe schmoe and it was actually the right thing to do.
any good stories out there?

the beach boys? really?

this song was playing in my head when i woke up. i am not a huge beach boys fan, so its kind of a mystery. it went along with a dream about dick, but nothing too telling. sigh. i hate this crap.

Monday, January 3, 2011

come on guys, the truth. really.

i know i have just been dancing around all the details of dick breaking up with me. i mentioned in my last post that i am a big talker-its how i process stuff and figure it out, but i havent talked that much about this. only one friend has the whole story and maybe 2 others have some of the story.
these friends and a few of their husbands have chimed in saying they think dick felt that he wasnt good enough and bailed.
do guys really do that? i have seen it movies and i know women use that as a big excuse to comfort their friends during breakups. "he wasnt good enough for you and he knew it so he acted like a big jerk and bailed." or something like that.
i have to say the "he just wasnt that into me" theory really doesnt pan out, so they could be right, but i dont want to jump on that bandwagon. yet.
so tell me guys-does that happen? you think a girl is out of your league, too good for you, or otherwise too high on the pedestal you put her on that you dont think you are worthy, so you quit?

Sunday, January 2, 2011

taking a suggestion

i am a talker. when anything happens to me-good or bad-i need to talk about it to process it.
dick breaking up with me hit me hard. it would have been bad no matter what, but he really blindsided me, so much so that i didnt want to talk about it.
i sent a mass text to all those(and there was a lot)who knew he was coming and just told them that things did not work out, he was gone, and i didnt want to talk about it.
this panicked some of my friends because they know how i am. talk, talk, talk. a talker. always talking. it really helps me process it, but this time, i really didnt want to. at first.
by time the weekend was over, i had spilled part or all of the story to various close friends. all were really supportive and helped me see a few things that i might not have considered.
i dont think its too uncommon for women to blame themselves, but i always jump on that. what did i do wrong? was it something i said? was i not pretty enough? did my butt look fat in the jeans i wore?
all of those questions are pretty ridiculous considering everything that transpired. i want to write it all down, but despite the fact that my blog is an anonymous one, i hesitate to reveal the weirdness of it all.
some of the facts could be interpreted as bad judgment on my part, which i hate. i am willing to admit bad judgment,but this time, i thought i was so careful. dotting i's, crossing t's. i thought i had great judgment.
i have made so many mistakes in the past that i wanted to be cautious. i prayed about everything. went to the temple so much they put a plaque with my name engraved on it on one of the chairs in the celestial room.
i thought i was getting the green light of deity.
well....the joke was on me.
he bailed big time and i was left wondering WHAT THE FU, no...i wouldnt have said that, but definitely WHAT THE HELL?! passed my lips.
sigh. i am thinking of giving up on the romance crap altogether-seems like a scam to me.
bitter much?