not ready

i am getting there, but i am not ready to spill all the detail of what happened with dick. like most girls do, i am going over every detail i can remember with a fine tooth comb. the annoying thing is that nothing jumps out and says "ah-ha! this is what happened!"
everything that i consider has something to discount it. its frustrating. it hurts. i want it to stop.
praying a lot. going to the temple. trying to figure it out. trying to stop feeling like life is a crap shoot and it doesnt matter what i say or do-what is going to happen will happen.