Friday, December 31, 2010

being dumped sucks

i was reading this post bye fei and was trying to remember how all of my relationships ended. until dick-i was always the one doing the breaking up. there were several times where choices or behavior on the guys part really left me no choice ie: msof cheating on me or mr ex man being just plain crazy, but right now i cant remember anyone else breaking up with me.
not sure why i am making this point, but i am conducting a post relationship autopsy. why do we do that? i need to quit. i will not let this drag out like mr ex man or mr nice guy. i dont think i will hear from dick again, so the drag out probably wont be an issue. mr ex man and i drug it out for two years. mr nice guy was a little longer. its stupid.
i am rambling. sorry about that. i havent been posting much because i was so busy with dick and now i feel all this stuff that just needs to get out.
i have been feeling the need to reach out to mr ex man or mr jack mormon. both have contacted me in the last few weeks, but i ignored them. i know i could get a quick shot of self esteem from them, but it would be short lived since they are both jerks who dont want whats best for me.
embarrassment. that is the overriding feeling right now. being dumped sucks.

what to do?

i have never been one for big new year eve celebrations, but since dick broke up with me, i feel like i just need to get out. friends(the married with kids type)have invited me to their houses and as much as i appreciate that, i dont think i want to go. i would normally stay home, but...that seems pathetic.
i hear barry singing...

thank you
ashley for being my new found blog friend and nominating me for...
this AWARD!

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1. dick just broke up with me. its weird and i dont really feel like talking about it, but i am sure i will eventually blab all the embarrassing details. i am like that you know

2. i have never been a new years eve kind of girl, but i think i might go to the single adult party tonight just to be out of the house since i wont be out with dick.

3. i am really tired right now. emotional upheaval is exhausting.

4. i am stressing a little because i dont know if there are 15 blogs that i am aware of that i could mention here.

5. i am really hungry-my stomach is rumbling, but i cant eat because of the aforementioned emotional upheaval.

6. if i go out tonight i need to get going on my hair and makeup. i am so not cute right now.

7. i clean up really good, so if i go out i will look really cute.

Thursday, December 30, 2010

career options

i have been told several times that i have a nice phone voice and both men and women have told me that i could make serious bank should i say...a "customer service representative" in the adult entertainment "industry". thats a compliment, right?
could i get away with paying tithing on that kind of income?

to tell or not to tell?

should i tell dick i write a blog and he is now a main character?
i have never told anyone, especially guys i have dated.

Monday, December 27, 2010

heal thyself

dick and i will be spending a lot of time together over the next few days. i have been nothing but excited and looking forward to this time with great anticipation.
what the hell happened to me? i am all grumpy-stuff is just bugging me. the kind of stuff that doesnt matter or normally wouldnt bug me.
i withdrew from a conversation with dick earlier today because i felt myself getting pissy and tense. i know enough about myself that i realize in moments like that, i just need to get the heck out.
then i started thinking-trying out figure out what was going on. why would i be pissy and tense when, what appears to be the man of my dreams, will be with me practically 24/7 for the next few days?
i came to the conclusion that the problem is that i have been here before. all the fun stuff in the beginning and then the guy bails for a variety of reasons. cant cut the apron strings, really doesnt want to be sealed in the temple, his children control him, and the ultimate reason: he just wasnt that in to me after all.
its not fair to punish him for my past, but i certainly cant ignore it. i have to learn and move on, but also be aware of potential problems. keep my eyes open so to speak.
does anyone know how to actually do that? can you teach me?

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

the sharks are circling

is there some sort of super power or sixth sense that your ex's KNOW when you are falling in love with someone and moving on?
in the past week i have heard from mr jack mormon AND mr ex man. tgws im'd me about 2 weeks ago.
i briefly chatted with tgws, but ignored mr jack mormon and mr ex man.
mr ex man sent a link to a youtube video of an 80's hair metal band singing a mournful ballad.
mr jack mormon keeps trying to tease and taunt me into replying to him. when that didnt work, he tried "friending" people on facebook to get to me.
funny how for both of these men, this level of effort was never exerted in the past.
i am hoping they will just go away. not that i have a problem with confrontation. i dont. i just dont feel like getting into it with either of them.
meanwhile-things with dick are strolling along at a steady pace.
color me happy.

Monday, December 20, 2010


i think i just had a dtr with dick. it wasnt a big deal, but it was nice. very nice, indeed.
i never thought i would have a dtr. i felt somewhat above a dtr, but it just kind of HAPPENED .
kind of like a few weeks ago when we were discussing how we met on the lds dating website and we both ended up canceling our accounts together. it just HAPPENED .
i have never been a big fan of the concept of something just "happening". i always considered it total bs, but now...things are just happening and i am pretty happy about it.
my compulsion to ruin things with my fears and insecurities is at an all time low and that mainly has to do with the way he handles things. the way he handles me.
i know that sound horrible. "handles me", but its not horrible. its nice.
i have to admit there is still a subtle sense of waiting for the other shoe to fall and a need to prepare for the worst, but i am fighting it.
i will keep you posted.

Sunday, December 12, 2010


there is so much i want to tell you about dick and everything that is going on, but i am afraid to jinx it. normally, i am not the slightest bit superstitious, but when it comes to the possibility of finding HIM, the read deal, mr right, i am willing to employ whatever means necessary to make sure it doesnt get screwed dont want to do anything to jinx it including blabbing all over my blog(that he doesnt know about)about how crazy i am for this guy and how great its going.
despite the damage, humpty dumpty(me)is somewhat getting put back together. i really appreciate the comments that were left. its nice to know i am not the only one who has baggage they cant seem to shake. dick is super patient. he is willing to earn my trust and actually does more than pay lip service. he walks the walk too.
i have to admit, i am waiting for the other shoe to fall. maybe he will tell me he is a post op transsexual(i think i would be able to tell that.)or that he isnt a full tithe payer(now there is a real deal breaker.)i dont want to create a self fulfilling prophecy, so i try to chase those thoughts away as soon as they arrive. cautiously optimistic. thats me.

Friday, December 10, 2010

like humpty dumpty...

i am not sure i can be put back together again...
things with dick(from tom dick and harry. see previous posts please.)are going amazingly well, but me? not so much.
i am aware of how my dating past(not to mention my married past)has me gun shy, but i didnt realize how much.
dick is patient and kind and WONDERFUL.
i will not screw this up.
maybe i will.
maybe i should.
i just dont know. been praying hard. been to the temple.
maybe if i wrote in my freaking blog more it would act as a cathartic process and work all the kinks out of my system.
how are you guys? i miss you. i miss writing and seeing your comments. i hope your holidays are going well.
my holiday is going fine. staring at the gift dick sent me, that i havent decided when to open, and wondering how i got this lucky/blessed.
holiday baking starts this weekend. love holiday baking. :)

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

good stuff

read this
seriously read it and let me know what you think. i think i became acquainted with this blog when the author commented here. i really like what he has to say about virtue in general, but specifically, i like how he talks about how virtue is not just about suffering through abstinence,but finding joy in celibacy. it was kind of an ah-ha moment for me.
i have never "suffered" with celibacy. not sure why, but i know that i have been ok with it. maybe its because i realize that i might be saying "no" for now, but it will lead to a bigger "yes" down the road. not that i havent been seriously tempted. i have, but i am glad that the temptations have never won out.
so what do you guys think? did you or are you suffering with celibacy or did you just say "screw it" (literally and figuratively)and just "do it"?