Sunday, February 27, 2011

when its over

beware: major 80's cheesy video antics ahead.

random thoughts cross my mind and many times i think that the thought could turn into a really good(or at least decent post). about 75% of the time, i am not where i have access to a computer or even the ability to make a note to myself. the great ideas are lost.
so sad.
i was going through my pages and when i was going through the one dedicated to mr ex man, i realized that its been a while since i have thought of him. he is not totally out of my mind, but he is definitely out of my heart. its weird. 3 years of loving him, thinking we would be married and then all the drama and heartbreak that followed has really occupied a lot of my time. it was the catalyst to start this blog.
the thought occurred to me that it really is over with mr ex man and then the loverboy song started playing in my head.
i think i mentioned that he called me the day dick broke up with me. i tried to be polite, but he was really bugging me to get back together with him. when i told him i had just broken up with someone and i just wasnt in any condition to be talking to him, he freaked out. told me how horrible and selfish i was and that he never knew why he loved me in the first place.
it didnt even hurt. i blocked him in every way i know of. email, phone, etc.
it is over.

ps- i used to wear a bandana around my head like that. it was way stylin in 1982. seriously it was. i think it even pre-dates mike reno from loverboy wearing it.

pps- i saw loverboy in concert in 1985. it was a good show.

pps- i didnt wear the headband to the concert.

getting sucked in

i have a new calling and part of it is to be a little involved with the single adult "community". for those of you who are unfamiliar or not lds or both or one or the other or just want to know...
when a person turns 18 in the lds faith they generally go to a young single adult ward. if there isnt one available, they might participate in different "fun" activities meant to encourage dating, pairing off, and eventually marriage. its a pretty effective system. most lds people are married off by time they are 21.
if you are a hold out, get divorced, or have the unfortunate circumstance of being widowed after the age of 30 you then "graduate" to single adult group. i heard someone call it the island of misfit toys(you know, rudolph the red nosed reindeer)and i thought that was the funniest and probably most accurate description ever.
they do pretty much the same activities as the young single adults, but its different somehow.
anyway. part of my responsibilities is to know what is going on-activities etc. today i found myself on a dance committee. WHAT THE F.. no, wait. i dont want to say that. well i do, but i wont because its not classy or righteous.
yes. i am on a dance committee. i really got sucked in and i was powerless to stop it. cant wait to see how it all turns out. sigh.
pray for me please.

Thursday, February 24, 2011


the racy kind. definitely not pg-13. starring msof. i hate that. i havent had a dream about him in years and then this? if it was real and someone would have been amazing.
have you ever had one of those dreams and woke up feeling guilty? shortly after msof were married i had a VIVID dream about tgws. i woke up thinking i needed to make an appointment with the bishop. when i realized it was just a dream, i couldnt describe the feeling of relief if i tried.
shortly after my divorce i had a series of explicit dreams about msof. i didnt feel guilty-i felt ANGRY. i never wanted him touching me again and i was dreaming about him? yuck.
after i woke up this morning, i tried to edit the dream and try to find some way that i was mistaken. it was dick, not msof that the amazing dream was about.
dick and msof look nothing alike. at all. it was definitely msof. why? why now? i hope it doesnt happen again tonight.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

the waver

the single man(a little younger than me, 2 kids, new in the family ward i attend) that i referred to in my last post spoke in church today. he gave a really good talk. i was impressed. before he spoke, i think i caught him looking at me. i was intentionally looking at him and then he ducked his head. i could be imagining it, but i dont think so.
i hear he is very quiet and very shy, but he was able to speak appropriately from the pulpit. people can be weird that way. shy, but able to speak in complete sentences in front of the congregation.
i looked for him after to tell him i liked his talk,but he was nowhere to be found.
i mention that because there are 2 friends in my ward that are literally bugging me to talk to him. i hate taking that first step. i will look-shoot a couple of sparkles from the baby blues. i will smile. i will give all the cues and clues that he(or any man i might be remotely interested in)will not be mocked or rejected if he spoke to me. nada. nothing. zilch.
these friends think he is interested in me, but i find that hard to believe based on historical data. lol. historical data. where the heck did that come from?
so i emailed him. got his email from the ward directory and emailed him that i liked his talk. 3 or 4 lines-pretty direct, not flirty. one very mild joke. it will be interesting to see if he responds. i havent told my friends i did it yet. i think they will freak like you see jr high girls do when they get all excited their friend said hi to the cute boy in the hallway at school.
is it weird that when it all boils down to it,what i really want is for dick to come back. is it counter intuitive to email another guy when you are hoping and praying someone else comes back?

Saturday, February 19, 2011


do you ever feel like you are invisible? i have thought myself invisible(to most, not all)for years. msof didnt see me and once we divorced the feeling remained. who saw me? i mean, really saw me? there have been a few things that have occurred in the ensuing years that have shown me that i truly am not invisible, but the sensation of wearing harry potters invisibility cloak still lingered.
in recent months there have been 3 different incidents that have driven the point home that i am certainly not invisible and just because i dont know who someone is doesnt mean they dont know who i am.
1. a missionary(i am old enough to be his mother)who i have never actually met, called me by name and mentioned something i said or did(cant remember now)weeks prior that i have no idea how he knew about it. he also said something about how cool i am. flattering(i think).
2. my dry cleaners is in a strip mall(arent they all?)that has the normal stuff like a blockbuster, a chinese takeout, and a chain hair salon. i am walking out of the dry cleaners with my hands full of my clothes and the huge purse i have been carrying lately and as i approach my car i see that someone in the car parked next to mine is leaning over the console in his car and waving at me through the closed passenger window. it takes me 2 seconds to realize its a single(divorced, 2 kids)man who had moved into my ward about 6 months ago. we had never met and the only reason i knew who he was is that the other single women were on high alert the second he walked into the building. apparently he was getting his hair cut while i was picking up dry cleaning. like i said, my hands were full-so i found myself waving a handful of dresses and shirts on hangers, wrapped in plastic at him. i felt ridiculous, but what else could i have done?
3. i was called to a stake position. as a single woman, over 30(way over)in a family ward-i can deftly fly under the radar. INVISIBLE. without any prior notice, i was called into the stake presidents office and given a calling.
i guess i am not invisible-its especially nice when a single guy seems to notice. the jury is still out on the stake calling(kind of overwhelming, but i am trying) and i just shake my head and laugh a little and the young elder.

Friday, February 18, 2011


out with friends tonight. i am really tired, but i am going anyway! i remember the days when my nights didnt get started until 10, now....i like to be home by 10 or i feel slightly panicked. weird how things change.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

ceasing to pray

we are told to pray with out ceasing. i havent ceased in nearly 2 months. is it ok to take a break? just be still and quiet? how many ways can you ask for something? how many ways can you pose a question to deity?

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

trying to listen

i went to a fireside where the biggest portion of the talk was about learning how the Holy Ghost speaks to you so that you can properly receive the revelations the Lord has for you. there was a time that i knew EXACTLY what i was being told. i was confident in personal revelation and moved on it with determination and success. now? not so much. mr ex man was where it all fell apart. i lost my confidence in my ability to understand the answers to my prayers. the hard stuff-the really important questions.
now i feel like i am being spiritually nudged to do things i am supremely uncomfortable with. when it comes to fight or flight-i fly. there are many areas in my life that i will fight, but...fight for a man? a romance? uh, no. why? oh there are tons of reasons and i wont bore you here. the point is; i am getting the message to fight for dick. is scares the shit out of me. i hate that. i hate being afraid of anything, but especially of something so silly. why be afraid of something so silly? even if i take the ultimate risk and put it all "out there" for him-whats the worse can happen? no matter what, i will be the same person i was 6 months ago before i even knew him. still a pretty cool chick-it wont make or ruin me one way or another.
i went to the temple today and the answers seem to be consistent. no matter how i ask the question, the answer is the same, but i still fear i am getting it wrong. if we are expected to wait on the Lord's time table do you think he will be generous in waiting form my timetable of getting myself in gear for such out of character actions? if you pray for strangers, please pray for me. :) thanks.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

doing ok

i frequently will "check" myself. am i doing ok? am i a nice person? do i try to do good? am i thinking clearly and being truthful with others and myself? am i on track with what Heavenly Father would want me to do?
i do that, at least in part, just about every day. maybe not a lot of questions,but at least a few.
lately the questions are about dick. did i fool myself? did he lie to me and i was too unwilling to face reality?
i keep asking myself the hard questions and i keep coming up with a good score. i really cant say that at all about mr soldier of fortune, mr nice guy, OR mr ex man. especially mr ex man.
i am still praying for dick.(restrain yourself blain)praying for his safety(dangerous line of work), his spiritual well being(inactive for a long time, working his way back)and for him to be happy. even if its without me. that is a hard thing to give-to wish for someones happiness when they have put a damper on yours.
the big things i keep checking on for myself is did i really pray about the right things when dick was pursuing me-did i pray with a sincere heart, wanting what was right and the will of the Lord? i am pretty confident i got a good score on that too. i keep checking and rechecking and coming up with the same answers. keep praying about it too-i seem to be ok.
which is a small comfort considering i was alone on valentines and still alone. i keep praying. i will keep praying until i know i dont need to any more.
i remember praying to forgive mr soldier of fortune-i definitely knew when it was time to stop praying.
P.U.S.H pray until something happens. kind of cheesy, but rings true, dont you think? i am going to pray until he comes back or until i dont want him to any more.

Monday, February 14, 2011


mr nice guy emailed me today. one sentence "happy valentines day." i cant tell you the last time i have heard from him and now? today? VALENTINES FREAKIN DAY? he didnt sign it "love", so thats definitely a change.
i cannot be the only person this happens to. am i?

ps-if you dont want to scroll down to my dance card-mr nice guy is the one who was controlled by his mother. worse than i have ever seen or experienced it. actually, i had never dated a man controlled by his mother before, but mr nice guy showed me all about it. in vivid colors. it was gross and it was scary.

valentines day memories

i dont have a ton. tgws always did something nice. i think there was at least one time that i got a dozen roses. mr soldier of fortune never forgot, but there isnt much i remember. a mini rose bush here and tacky piece of lingerie there. mr nice guy was always sweet. mr ex man and i were never speaking on a valentines day. i remember one year(i was just looking at facebook and someone did something similar, so it jogged my memory)i wrote i love you in lipstick on mr soldier of fortunes car window and kissed it a few times for good measure. on the seat was some appropriate gift from the local hot rod shop. he loved it. anybody have any fun stories to tell about silly stuff they did on valentines day for their luv-ah?
oh yeah-i just remembered something i did for tgws-we were still in high school and somehow i was able to get my entire family out of the house(that was a major feat)and i cooked him a romantic steak dinner and made cheesecake(his favorite)for dessert. he loved it.

valentines day :(

feeling sad. dick and i had plans, but he broke up with me. he would have gotten his card on saturday and i havent heard anything from him. its so hard when reality is so contrary to what your heart tells you. what you feel that the spirit is telling you. patience and faith. endure to the end. sigh.
hope you are all in love and getting flowers and chocolates and holiday sex :)
waiting on a sister missionary and ashley...i hope its a good day despite recent break ups. too bad we all dont live near each other, we could have a great night out forgetting our bruised and banged up hearts.

Sunday, February 13, 2011


i have read a few blogs(waiting on a sister missionary and the singles ward, i think)talk about leagues. who is in yours and who isnt. i have always dismissed this way of thinking-i mean, really-leagues?
i am thinking more and more if its a fact of life. dick wasnt the first guy who in his own way told me i was too good for him.
again-i dismiss this kind of talk, but as i continue to go over every detail of our short relationship with a fine tooth comb, maybe there is something to it.
not that i think i am better than him. i dont.
i wonder if it comes up with these guys because i am a woman without a past. no skeletons in my closet. no cheating, no drugs, and no church court. i am being a little flip, but i am boring that way. i tell humorous versions of my jerry springer divorce story and cute anecdotes of my crazy dating life, but...
not sure what i am trying to say here, but i am thinking of how mr jack mormon said i needed to be a bishops wife because no other kind of man would be good enough for me. i still laugh at that one.
i have never been a gold digger or a social climber-just not my style. i want a man who will make me laugh and towers above me. even that is negotiable. the tall thing. not the laughing.
i am rambling here, but guys...if a girl you think is too good for you tells you that she loves you(didnt jake over at the mormon bachelor pad go through this with andrea?)wouldnt that be a reason to be happy, not shut down and run away?

old and boring? please say no

even if its a lie. just say no. ok. i really dont want you to lie, but i really dont want to be old and boring. this subject has come up a few times between me and my friends. when i express my concern about being boring-they laugh at me and tell me how ridiculous i am.
the reason it is coming up now is that via facebook i see pictures of the different activities that have gone on throughout the weeks. one girl posts pictures religiously of everything she does with the singles groups. one of the most recent things was a pocket protector prom aka as the nerd dance. they all got dressed up as nerds. and danced. is it just me? am i so old and boring that i see nothing fun about this at all. from what i see in the pictures, most of the costumes missed the mark completely and they just looked weird.
now i am old, boring, AND judgmental.
i swear, i am a fun person, but i guess i just dont fit into the stereo typical mormon fun mold. sometimes i wish i did. its just not me. i would really be forcing myself into things that just dont appeal to me at all.
so i go to firesides. OHMYGOSH!! i am old and boring.

Saturday, February 12, 2011


today i got a random compliment from one of my friends kids. an 18 year old young man told his mother how good i looked. she asked him why he didnt tell me himself. he said that he would, but then went in his room and shut the door. she told me as she walked me out to my car after we spent the day together. we laughed at the oddness of a guy noticing his mothers friend-i am sure i qualify as an old lady to him, but the compliment was sincere. nice little ego boost since i have been feeling kind of invisible.

Friday, February 11, 2011


i sent dick a valentines day card. i am so out of my element here. i am usually the breaker upper and when i do...i dont go back. now i am reaching out to a man who broke up with me. telling him my heart-letting him know that i am not ok with it, that i dont want to be broken up. i managed to do this in two sentences in a very simple valentines day card. i dont know what he will do or how he will respond, but i know i did what i had to do. i didnt even really ever consider doing anything like that-he broke up, we were done. pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and move on. a few weeks ago i was explaining a few things to a friend and he basically told me to stop whining and just write him and tell him how if feel. "why are you so afraid of allowing yourself to be vulnerable?" he asked me. i wasnt sure what the answer was, but he really brought into focus a weakness of mine and i decided to take his advice. only one friend knows i did this. i cant bring myself to tell anyone else because i feel so embarrassed about it. it seems weak. i keep telling myself that if it "works" i just might get all that i ever wanted. if he doesnt respond or responds negatively, then all i can say is i tried. nothing wrong with that, right?
lets see how long i keep this post up. :D

the new sonic upsell

i think sonic is training its employees to flirt. i went through the sonic drive through to get some hot chocolate and when i got to the window the handsome young(and i mean Y-O-U-N-G. like 16 or 17)man takes my money and says, "you look beautiful tonight are you on your way to a party or something?" i was floored. i did look nice- i was coming from a meeting at church and was dressed appropriately. nice, but definitely not party wear. i managed to take the compliment gracefully-thanked him, shot sparkles out of the baby blues and drove off with my hot chocolate.
when i told my friends this story, they were convinced he was just trying to get me to buy some tots or a route 44. imagine 3, 40 something women making sonic tater tots sound like the dirtiest thing ever. it was kind of hilarious.

Sunday, February 6, 2011


Twenty years ago it was important to stress the right to sexual expression and far less important to underline a woman’s right to reject male advances; now it is even more important to stress the right to reject penetration by the male member, the right to safe sex, the right to chastity, the right to defer physical intimacy until there is irrefutable evidence of commitment,

as quoted in chastened by hephzibah anderson from the female unich by germaine greer

The fact of the matter is, it's very difficult to tell love from passion. My advice to anyone who doesn't feel sure of the difference between them is either to give them both up or quit trying to split hairs.
quoted in chastened. by eb white and james thurber is sex necessary?

for the most part- i found chastened hard to follow and kind of stupid, but i really liked the above quotes. she also made a nod to one of the popular "modest is hot" clothing stores where she bought a new "chaste" wardrobe for her experiment.
the short interview with john cobert of comedy central was way more interesting than the book.

someone else's words

ashley from divorced and 21 wrote the following about who she is hoping to find:

understands why my heart has a faint scar on it.
why my soul feels old, torn down, and stitched together.
and isnt afraid of the tall thick walls I have built around my heart.
Doesnt try to kick them down...or climb over them...
just waits until I open the secret door..

i love it. just about sums it up too.

Saturday, February 5, 2011

anger is ugly

avert your eyes-i have morphed into an ugly beast created by anger. i went to a baby shower that i did NOT want to go to for a woman about my age who decided to get pregnant by her boyfriend who is 10 years younger. did i mention he is an alcoholic? he got enough duis that now he has some sort of thing-a-ma-jig attached to his steering column that will not allow the car to start until he blows into the attached breathalyzer.
she, on the other hand, is a serial adulteress and we are throwing a party in her honor. there are so many aspects about her past and current life that make having a baby a bad idea. sure, for now the alcoholic is all attentive and doting, thrilled about the impending birth of his first child, but everyone but them can see its an train wreck just waiting to happen.
and yet...i am jealous. i dont get jealous often and the fact it is happening now is pissing me off. why should i be jealous of THEM? its a mess. everyone knows its a mess, but for now she seemingly has everything i want. things that all looked very possible with dick. not the baby part. i really dont want a baby, but i guess i grieve for the loss of possibility.
dick and i agreed that we really didnt want kids, but we had this amazing conversation about how IF it happened that it would all be fine. not just fine, but good.
just pissed off. it doesnt look cute on me at all. just trying to fly under the radar for now and keep praying for some reprieve.

Friday, February 4, 2011

finally! back in the kitchen with smc

i am going to a married mormon lady craft night. its kind of an unwritten rule(sometimes it actually is written,but not this time.)that you bring food to share with the group. i was going through my recipes trying to figure out what to take ,when i stumbled upon one that i had forgotten about-i havent made it in a LONG time. so glad i found it because its easy and its always a hit. i originally found it on a blog (i think its gone now)called the frantic home cook. her blog was the first time (shows you how long ago it was)that i had seen someone photograph each step of the recipe. i originally made it for a rs book club gathering and i literally had women fighting over the bowl. i love the sweet/savory thing going on here. try it. youll like it. i swear. it would be great for a game night, craft night, or just a night home with your sweetheart(if you have one of those.)

peanut butter popcorn

adapted from one ordinary day who adapted it from frantic home cook.

8-10 c. popped popcorn(i popped 2 bags of butter flavor)

1 c. light corn syrup

1 c. granulated sugar

1. c. peanut butter (I used smooth)
(i added a tsp of vanilla extract here, but its not necessary)
2 pinches of kosher salt or sea salt

Preheat oven to 300 degrees. Stir corn syrup and sugar together in a medium saucepan over medium-high heat. Bring to a boil, stirring constantly. Boil for one minute. Remove from heat and stir in peanut butter. Be careful! This is super hot! Pour mixture over popcorn and stir to coat. Pour popcorn onto baking sheet and bake in oven for 10 minutes. Spoon popcorn onto wire rack covered with waxed paper or parchment paper. Allow to cool completely.

Thursday, February 3, 2011


is that bad? i have been told i am "authentic". gives this definition:
not false or copied; genuine; real

seems good, right? 2 different men i have dated have used this as a reason that a relationship with me would be difficult or impossible.
"you are too authentic." is what one man said. dont remember what the other said, but it was something similar.
i never set out to be "authentic" per se, but i did make a conscious decision not to play games, be coy, or a tease. i tried to temper my "hard core" law of chastity stance with a little humor in order to "prove" i was not inexperienced or a prude.
there were times that i thought this method was a spectacular success, but, alas, no.
is someone who is "authentic" scary? do the high maintenance head games have to be present for it to be interesting and worth it for a guy? just asking.