Tuesday, February 15, 2011

doing ok

i frequently will "check" myself. am i doing ok? am i a nice person? do i try to do good? am i thinking clearly and being truthful with others and myself? am i on track with what Heavenly Father would want me to do?
i do that, at least in part, just about every day. maybe not a lot of questions,but at least a few.
lately the questions are about dick. did i fool myself? did he lie to me and i was too unwilling to face reality?
i keep asking myself the hard questions and i keep coming up with a good score. i really cant say that at all about mr soldier of fortune, mr nice guy, OR mr ex man. especially mr ex man.
i am still praying for dick.(restrain yourself blain)praying for his safety(dangerous line of work), his spiritual well being(inactive for a long time, working his way back)and for him to be happy. even if its without me. that is a hard thing to give-to wish for someones happiness when they have put a damper on yours.
the big things i keep checking on for myself is did i really pray about the right things when dick was pursuing me-did i pray with a sincere heart, wanting what was right and the will of the Lord? i am pretty confident i got a good score on that too. i keep checking and rechecking and coming up with the same answers. keep praying about it too-i seem to be ok.
which is a small comfort considering i was alone on valentines and still alone. i keep praying. i will keep praying until i know i dont need to any more.
i remember praying to forgive mr soldier of fortune-i definitely knew when it was time to stop praying.
P.U.S.H pray until something happens. kind of cheesy, but rings true, dont you think? i am going to pray until he comes back or until i dont want him to any more.


  1. You should call him and find out when you can go visit. Does he live somewhere nice? That could make for a nice secondary excuse.

  2. Hi SMC~

    Obviously I know nothing of the Dick situation, but as someone who is coming back after a (too)long bout of inactivity, maybe I can offer a different perspective.

    Maybe he wanted a future with you, but he realized that he just isn't ready yet. This of course has nothing to do with you, but everything to do with him.

    I have met some very nice single LDS men recently, but I am not ready. I need to be able to stand on my own and build my own testimony before I can entertain the idea of becoming someone's Eternal Companion.

    Maybe I'm projecting. As I wrote, I know nothing of him or the situation.

  3. woasm-mmmmm i dont think so. at least not at this point. he lives in a nice place, but nothing exciting. its not like he lives in any sort or touristy or vacation type spot. boring, middle america type stuff. i think he should come back to me, but that might change.
    brigitte- you make an excellent point that has been considered. it probably weighs into the whole situation a lot. there is always that fantasy of he isnt ready, but his love and desire for me overtakes him and he becomes ready really quick. :) i know, too many chick flicks. i love your comments. thanks for chiming in-looks likeyou are good at reading between the lines of my post. you called it pretty well. :)