Saturday, February 5, 2011

anger is ugly

avert your eyes-i have morphed into an ugly beast created by anger. i went to a baby shower that i did NOT want to go to for a woman about my age who decided to get pregnant by her boyfriend who is 10 years younger. did i mention he is an alcoholic? he got enough duis that now he has some sort of thing-a-ma-jig attached to his steering column that will not allow the car to start until he blows into the attached breathalyzer.
she, on the other hand, is a serial adulteress and we are throwing a party in her honor. there are so many aspects about her past and current life that make having a baby a bad idea. sure, for now the alcoholic is all attentive and doting, thrilled about the impending birth of his first child, but everyone but them can see its an train wreck just waiting to happen.
and yet...i am jealous. i dont get jealous often and the fact it is happening now is pissing me off. why should i be jealous of THEM? its a mess. everyone knows its a mess, but for now she seemingly has everything i want. things that all looked very possible with dick. not the baby part. i really dont want a baby, but i guess i grieve for the loss of possibility.
dick and i agreed that we really didnt want kids, but we had this amazing conversation about how IF it happened that it would all be fine. not just fine, but good.
just pissed off. it doesnt look cute on me at all. just trying to fly under the radar for now and keep praying for some reprieve.


  1. Good luck with that. I hate the green-eyed monster.

  2. It sucks when we compare the worst of our life with the best in others. It will never feel good when we do that. Try to compare your best with their best, probably not even a close comparison.

  3. i hate him too!
    anon-you might be right. i have already calmed down. no one knew-i have a good poker face-all internal and it felt like crap!!

  4. I will never understand what drives women to go to events thrown by, or for, people they don't like or approve of.

    Sounds like you're fresh out of a relationship, even though it's been a year I still hate every couple that I see, that I don't know, just because they're together.

  5. I have a personal rule that I never attend baby showers for unmarried pregnant women or girls. I'm sorry you had to attend.

  6. woasm-normally i wouldnt, but there are some tangled and weird family issues involved that if i had chosen not to go, it would have created even more issues. i know that part of this is because of the recent break up with dick. if we had stuck to our plans-i would be planning my own wedding and wouldnt give a crap about her baby shower.
    lisa ann-funny that you say that-i dont personally have that rule, but when i was telling a good friend about the shower, she flipped out saying that showers should not be thrown for unwed mothers.

  7. I feel the need to chime in.

    I converted when I was 21. I was sealed in the LA Temple when I was 24. I was divorced when I was 26. I lost my ward family in the divorce. (Ex's family is very well known in the area.) I lost my faith and fell away from the church.

    I re met a man that I had known from junior high and high school and within a short amount of time I became pregnant. Five months into my pregnancy, my father passed away.

    My son is now 14, and we have become active and I am working on going back to the Temple shortly. My son deserves the best from his mother and I am striving to give him the gift of eternal families.

    My point in telling my story is that had someone from church not come to my baby shower because I was unwed, that would have broken my heart.

    Was it the ideal situation? No. It wasn't. I had previously done everything correctly and that didn't work out, either.

    We are all struggling and we should help lift each other up with love and tenderness not a judgmental heart. That is not how our Heavenly Father would want us to behave.

  8. thank you for giving me that point of view-its a great one and so valid. its what the church is all about-coming back into the fold from wherever you are. thanks for the reminder.