avert your eyes-i have morphed into an ugly beast created by anger. i went to a baby shower that i did NOT want to go to for a woman about my age who decided to get pregnant by her boyfriend who is 10 years younger. did i mention he is an alcoholic? he got enough duis that now he has some sort of thing-a-ma-jig attached to his steering column that will not allow the car to start until he blows into the attached breathalyzer.
she, on the other hand, is a serial adulteress and we are throwing a party in her honor. there are so many aspects about her past and current life that make having a baby a bad idea. sure, for now the alcoholic is all attentive and doting, thrilled about the impending birth of his first child, but everyone but them can see its an train wreck just waiting to happen.
and yet...i am jealous. i dont get jealous often and the fact it is happening now is pissing me off. why should i be jealous of THEM? its a mess. everyone knows its a mess, but for now she seemingly has everything i want. things that all looked very possible with dick. not the baby part. i really dont want a baby, but i guess i grieve for the loss of possibility.
dick and i agreed that we really didnt want kids, but we had this amazing conversation about how IF it happened that it would all be fine. not just fine, but good.
just pissed off. it doesnt look cute on me at all. just trying to fly under the radar for now and keep praying for some reprieve.