Monday, June 29, 2009

finally over

i have blocked mr ex man. blocked him via email & blocked him on the cell phone. the cell phone is actually a funny story. we had been text fighting for quite a few days and i was just fed up. he just kept telling me over and over again how selfish and unreasonable i was being. we kept going in circles. we had been going in circles for months, but i was willing to hang in there because i thought we would figure it out, but we didnt so i am unwilling to continue going in circles. so i just kept saying we needed to go our seperate ways(do you hear journey in your head? and stop communicating all together. not good enough. he wants to be friends. WHATEVER. i do not believe in breaking up and being friends. not at this stage of the game. if we just had a few dates and we knew it wasnt going to work out-ok, fine. be friends. we were engaged. the breaking up process has been so ugly and so painful. a friend wouldnt do that to me. ANYWAY back to the funny part of the story. it really is kind of evil of me, but i was at my wits end. i tell him that i am going to block him, to take control of this situation and not worry about when his next contact will be. he gets really mad at this, starts talking about my "need for control" and how unreasonable(why does he stay, why does he want me if i am so rotten?)i am being. he all of a sudden has to go and hangs up. he never would have done that at the beginning of our relationship, but he does it just about every time we talk now. that was it for me, so i sent a very official looking text message that stated "verizon wireless messenger service can no longer deliver texts to this number" and sent it to him. its not that hes dumb. hes not, but he doesnt know much about phone service and computers. he totally bought it. he immediately send me an yahoo im, really upset asking me not to do it. i just ignored him. a little while later he calls me, frantic. he cant get any texts from his kids or work associates. he cant send them either. he is mad,but he is trying to get me back on board with him. i know i didnt actually block him, so i am trying to talk him off the cliff without giving my secret away. i worked for the phone company for many years, so i am using all my knowledge and expertise to tell him that there is no way that my block caused it. he is a conspiricy theory kind of guy and he cant be persuaded. so i "take it off". it takes a little while, but he is able to send and receive texts. there is no way i can convince him, so i stop trying. we are talking on the phone and he is trying to convince me to not break up(we have been broken up for a year, where the heck has he been?)blah blah blah. he finally gets so mad at me he says f***k you and hangs up. i immediately send the fake block text again and go to my computer to block him from im and email. there is an im waiting for me "you blocked me boo hoo"-ohmygosh. i couldnt believe it. i blocked him on everything and havent heard a word. it is, in a sense, a relief,but i find myself checking for texts and my heart skipping a beat when the phone rings. i have even found myself wanting to call just to argue and have the connection, but that is just crazy. the most unhealthy kind of crazy. i didnt do it. i wont do it. praying for strength. praying to figure it out so it makes some sense. i think that will be a future post, my deductive reasoning on the whole matter.

Sunday, June 21, 2009


remember the really nice, but boring guy i talked about a few posts back? he called me yesterday to ask me when church started. in the past,he has used this as a segue to hint around for a date. NOT THIS TIME! he is seeing someone he met on ldsmingle and he was bringing her to church! i cannot possibly explain how happy this made me. he is such a nice man. he deserves to have someone and be happy. i just knew it couldnt be me. one of my friends who met him, said she had never seen less chemistry between two people before. i had never felt less chemistry. lol. he brought her today and i met her. she is very nice and they seem to fit well. i hope it works out!!! isnt that so cool of me? that i want the best for him? i know, patting myself on the back, but its nice to know that i am not a selfish b-atch and even though i dont want him, i dont want his attention directed at anyone else. there are women like that. i have seen it. its insane. she came to rs and since i was conducting, i got to introduce her. i wonder if he told her we went out a few times?
mr great white north has called me a few times. we have such nice conversations. we even discovered that we both love barry manilow-how great is that? he is 10 years older than me,but seems youthful. you know, young at heart. such a cheesy phrase, but it gets the point across.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

the big get even

this song is CLASSIC. it makes me think of mr ex man. i just wanted it over. we werent making each other happy-lets just part in a nice way. he just wouldnt have it. whenever i brought up breaking up like adults-he would say "but i dont want to break up". then proceeded to be the biggest jerk in the universe. even if we no longer love someone, dont we have an obligation to be decent? even though i think his life is crazy and i dont think he's handling it right, i didnt want to make him feel worse by rubbing his nose in it. he obvioulsy did not feel the same. he continued on with his mean(albeit untruthful)comments. i took the bait. i wish i was stronger, but he knew he could get me that way. i felt like i had to explain, set him straight so i would talk to him or text him or whatever means of communication we were using at that minute. classic rotten kid getting attention. doesnt matter if its negative or not. i woke up yesterday to 7 nasty text messages from him. all telling me how i am not living by the spirit and how horrible i am. it breaks my heart, it does, but what is it that dr phil says? hows that workin for ya? its not working at all. someone also said you cannot solve problems at the same level of thinking on which they were created(pretty sure it was einstien , but i read it in "7 habits of highly successful people") if you havent read it-i highly recommend it. theres also the quote: the true definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. man, that is our relationship. anyway, i didnt respond to the texts and i am literally praying all the time for strength not to respond to him in any way. i am really embarassed i have let it go on this long. i am one of those girls that i stood in judgement of. its a big lesson to me. i get now why people hang on. you feel this deep connection and it is so powerful, feels so good, that you cling to it, hoping it will morph back to its original state. the problem is, the original state was the fake.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

hate letter

i so just want to write him the most scathing letter so he will leave me alone for good. forever. he totally bailed on a text conversation we were having friday night, then sends me this angry text on saturday about how impatient and demanding i am. i just want to be done. i look back over the time i have wasted on this and i am just so embarassed. stupid to wait for someone to pull his life out of the ditch. hey-my life has some chaos in it, but i invited him in-showed him the truth and asked him to accept or reject. he wouldnt do that with me. made up all these lies about the chaos in his life and how he was embarassed for me to see his house and his life. i know that there was major issues, but i thought we could face and conquer them together. i wasted too much time. 2 of my best friends told me that i gave him too many chances. i didnt agree at first, but i do now. this has driven the will to date and marry out of me. i have been wanting to write about this, but there are so many layers, so much information, that i cant organize it. i want to write a book and just have it all out there, resolved for my own satisfaction. i was watching "that thing you do"-you know, the tom hanks movie about the beatles-type band in the mid 60's. that scene towards the end where faye(liv tyler)tells jimmy(johnathon schaech): have wasted thousands and thousands of kisses on you - kisses that I thought were special because of your lips and your smile and all your color and life. I used to think that was the real you, when you smiled. But now I know you don't mean any of it. You just save it for all your songs. Shame on me for kissing you with my eyes closed so tight.
thats how if feel. i loved him for all he was-it seemed so real. such an answer to everything. i thought it was a gift, but it was a joke. a cruel lesson that i have yet to learn the reason for.

Sunday, June 7, 2009

when can you stop?

praying. when can you stop praying for someone? i am sure someone much more righteous than me would say "never", never stop praying, but i need to get this out of conscience. be able to stop thinking about it. i started my fast last night and of course included mr ex man. i truly want the best for him. want him to be happy. have all that he wants and needs. it really doesnt seem that he wants that for me. he wants to force me into something that i know will only bring unhappiness. he has actually asked me to move 1000 miles to live with him. as i type that, it pisses me off. i would never do it. he knows it. when i called him on it, he either says it was a joke(he likes to inject levity at the most inopportune moments and wonders why i dont laugh)or that its "just a suggestion". when i was there, he couldnt even tell his kids he was coming to see me. he made up some story about going to the store. we, in fact, did go to the store so he could purchase skittles for one of his kids and get cash to pay for some last minute crap his kids or his ex wife failed to mention to him. man, i am getting mad.

Friday, June 5, 2009

he's just not that into you(me)

ok. dealing with relationship drama and watching
is a mistake. i had read the book way before mr nice guy or mr ex man ever came into my life. it makes good sense. really good, solid sense. i saw myself in the movie and i hated it. spinning all the stupid stuff mr ex man does or says. waiting for him to get past his pain, fear, and anger and be the man he was meant to be. he's just not that into me. if he was, he would make it happen. tell his kids what's what-put the ex wife in her place and get his ass to my town and make it all up to me. i dont for a second claim perfection. i certainly caved into to fear and insecurity. said some things i regret, but not on his level. really. he blames me. i will probably give more detail as the mood strikes,but for now i am profoundly sad. deleted all saved emails and youtube playlists. digging for the courage to throw away the dried flowers from my birthday boquet and the boxes from the chocolates he gave me. not sure why those things are so difficult. maybe because it will take more than hitting a delete button.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

double blah

mr ex man im'd me. i will write more later. i just dont have it in me to relive it right now. it really isnt good. i dont really get how this is playing out. am i being tested? are my prayers being answered? i just dont get it. its so difficult and i am sick of difficulty. i looked at some old im's from about 6 months ago. same ole same ole. literally nothing has changed. he says the same thing. i say the same thing. double blah.