Tuesday, June 16, 2009

hate letter

i so just want to write him the most scathing letter so he will leave me alone for good. forever. he totally bailed on a text conversation we were having friday night, then sends me this angry text on saturday about how impatient and demanding i am. i just want to be done. i look back over the time i have wasted on this and i am just so embarassed. stupid to wait for someone to pull his life out of the ditch. hey-my life has some chaos in it, but i invited him in-showed him the truth and asked him to accept or reject. he wouldnt do that with me. made up all these lies about the chaos in his life and how he was embarassed for me to see his house and his life. i know that there was major issues, but i thought we could face and conquer them together. i wasted too much time. 2 of my best friends told me that i gave him too many chances. i didnt agree at first, but i do now. this has driven the will to date and marry out of me. i have been wanting to write about this, but there are so many layers, so much information, that i cant organize it. i want to write a book and just have it all out there, resolved for my own satisfaction. i was watching "that thing you do"-you know, the tom hanks movie about the beatles-type band in the mid 60's. that scene towards the end where faye(liv tyler)tells jimmy(johnathon schaech): have wasted thousands and thousands of kisses on you - kisses that I thought were special because of your lips and your smile and all your color and life. I used to think that was the real you, when you smiled. But now I know you don't mean any of it. You just save it for all your songs. Shame on me for kissing you with my eyes closed so tight.
thats how if feel. i loved him for all he was-it seemed so real. such an answer to everything. i thought it was a gift, but it was a joke. a cruel lesson that i have yet to learn the reason for.

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