Thursday, March 31, 2011

roller coaster

i was up a little bit yesterday, but lower than low today.
jenn van had commented over a month ago about how she turned things around by BELIEVING Heavenly Father, not just believing in him. i totally get what she means, but even though i get it, i am falling short.
i am a girl with a black cloud over her head. quotes from "the secret" are screaming in my head about the law of attraction and how by even saying that i have a black cloud, i am putting it "out there", thus attracting MORE black clouds.
a vicious cycle that i am not breaking free of today.
i am not sure how to BELIEVE anymore.
maybe the roller coaster will climb back up tomorrow and i will remember.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

the sun does come up

the situation has not changed, but my perspective has. a little. i dont feel quite as dismal and things are a little clearer. even though there are plans and procedures in place, its going be a rough for a long time. i know so many people that are struggling in a myriad of ways,so why should i be any different?
i always intended this blog to be a fun, cleaned up, sex and the city type thing, but carrie and the girls arent real and neither are all their shenanigans.
real life is definitely interfering with any desire i have to have fun and attempt to be some sort of cute girl that any man might be interested in.
i want to run away. escape. never come back. ok, i do want to come back, but only after a long, long time and all of this stuff is resolved. all the work and effort i have put in so far made an impact and allowed others to step in and finish the race for me.
pure fantasy.

Monday, March 28, 2011

is it contagious?

i am thinking their might be something in the air or water or something. maybe a pandemic of sorts. click here.

she mentions vague comments and youtube videos. i am not sure if she is a reader of mine, but i do that. the details hurt too much and i cant bear to type them. some of them involve others and even though i am somewhat anonymous, it feels like a betrayal to tell their stories. even if it involves me.


my mom was a real pessimist. it really bothered me, but now i kind of get it. i know its not how we are supposed to think-rise above it, pray, have faith, yadda, yadda, yadda.
i find myself thinking(and sometimes saying)the things she used to say.
the state of the world and all that is going on.
all this GARBAGE is not cool, fun, or sexy in any way.
i hate real life.
please rescue me and take me to hawaii for a month.

ps- i hate that i asked to be rescued-that i even feel that way in the slightest bit.
pps-for the record, i am going to keep praying and even thought i keep losing the mustard seed, i am going to try and find it, keep it and grow it. just right now, its harder than its ever been and just when i think it cant get harder, it does.
am i as job? not even close. should that be a comfort?

crawl in a hole

and die. seriously. its what i want to do. so much stress, so much out of my control. things i wish i could do, but out of my reach. literally. this isnt a "think positive and go get em!" moment. serious stuff with serious consequences that affects someone that i love so much.
we arent supposed to be afraid, right? i am. i am trying not to be, but i am. praying a lot and trying to figure out what can be done to protect them from devastation.
i hate to even talk about it here, but i just cant sit on it. i have to vent. i hate being scared. i hate being weak. i hate being unable to create the change i want to.
can someone please rescue me?

Wednesday, March 23, 2011


The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

— Alan Kay


i have one completely induced by anxiety that i am feeling for another person. my oldest friend, who i have been estranged from for about 5 years, just emailed me to tell me her husband is filing for divorce.
what makes me the saddest is that it doesnt surprise me. it was a train wreck from the beginning and it is mainly her fault. it doesnt feel good to say that-she has been my friend for longer than most of my followers have been alive.
she is a mess and has been for a long time. the reasons are not her fault, but the fact that she didnt do anything about it is.
i feel her pain. i know what its like to be left even though our situations and the reasons are so very different.
i emailed her back and asked her to call me. she was a huge comfort to me during my ugly divorce and i hope i can give a little of that back.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Saturday, March 19, 2011

divine signatures

Gerald Lund 'Divine Signatures' | Mormon Times

i havent read it yet, but i am fascinated with the concept. its not entirely new, of course, but i like how brother lund talks about this "phenomenon".
i have had a few divine signatures in the past few months. one just today when i stumbled upon the original scrap piece of paper that i wrote dicks number on. why is this divine? wellllllllll..... i thought i threw it away when i programmed him into my cell phone. when he broke up with me, i deleted everything and since i dont memorize numbers anymore(technology makes me lazy)finding it seemed quite...coincidental.
there are others concerning dick, but i will save them from another time.
i am looking forward to reading the book. please let me know if you have read it and what you thought of it.

Friday, March 18, 2011

odd fact about me

sometimes i will watch televangelists on tv. right now i kind of like joel osteen. sure, he has got that goofy grin and kind of looks like a little leprechaun, but i think his preaching is pretty solid.
my dad used to watch billy graham and i think this is where it all started. i dont like guys like jimmy swaggart or jim baker, but i think joel has a pretty good message.
today i caught the last few minutes of his sermon where he was talking about a couple of guys getting caught 10 miles out in the ocean, the fog rolled in and the sun set and how to get back to shore they had to go against every instinct and every voice in their head telling them to go a different way. the going was very slow and very scary, but they made it to shore safe and sound.
of course this applies to all of us in our life and the trials we encounter, but i cant help but draw a parallel with my situation with dick. i am certainly am in the thickest fog ever, but i am trying to keep the boat moving towards the shore. i think its the shore anyway. faith & perseverance, right?

Wednesday, March 16, 2011


mr southern gentleman turned me on to the dave matthews band. when the album that has this track on it came out, he asked me if i had heard the song and when i told him i hadnt, he told me that the song reminded him of me. i ran out that night and bought the cd. i fell in love with mr southern gentleman that night as well as dave matthews.
i love how dave writes his songs in sort of a dyslexic manner. his phrases are twisted and turned around, but you have no doubt about what he means. with love songs like crush there is almost always this incredible sexy undertone. sigh.

Friday, March 11, 2011

i guess i was wrong

i am not invisible nor am i forgettable. mr ex man just called. i had the phone on silent, so i didnt hear it and was shocked when i saw the missed call. an hour or so later he text'd me a belated happy birthday and sent a few old memories my way. originally met right before my birthday and he sent me a lovely gift that year. nothing since, but the first year was nice.
the universe is screwing with me. i really, really, really thought i would never hear from him again. here he is.
i didnt answer and i wont text back. there was a time that the temptation would just be too great,but not now. the temptation is there, but its very minor. takes hardly any will power at all not to call/text him back.
WHY?!?!?!?! why do they do it? is i the guys? is it me?
i want dick to call, text, and come over.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

unexpected compliments

in an odd series of random events i spoke with tgws little brother today. i love this kid. well, he isnt a kid anymore, hes almost 40, but he will always be a kid to me. we were mainly talking about current things-their mom has recently and unexpectedly passed away-but some things of the past came up and in the course of this discussion little brother told me that after tgws and i broke up, he wanted nothing to do with any of his subsequent relationships. if it hadnt worked with me, he didnt want anything to do with tgws new hoochie girlfriends. it made me smile. i have mentioned how i sometimes feel invisible. sometimes to the point where i think i could disapper and the world would not be any less, but then i hear something like that and i realize that i have positively impacted people my whole life. i needed that today. :)

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

some light

an amazing talk by elder holland- i really dont know how anyone could not be inspired by it.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

dangit pioneer woman

i just read high heels to tractor wheels by ree drummond aka the pioneer woman. its the story of how she met her husband and their whirlwind romance. its a good story, but in the headspace i am in, it just pissed me off. i love her blog and most of the time it doesnt even annoy me how she goes on about his forearms and wranglers, but a whole book of it when i am sans romance? it was too much. i dont think i used the best judgment reading it.
she had posted the majority of the story on her blog last year, was offered a book deal, and wrapped it up with her honeymoon(where she got pregnant)and her first year of marriage.
their courtship was almost perfect-just some silly embarrassing stuff about how she tripped in high heel boots on their first date(the forearms saved her)and how she sweats too much when she gets nervous and had to go into a bathroom at a wedding, completely undress in order to cool off enough to go back to the wedding.
their honeymoon was kind of horrible and the first year was kind of crazy with the pregnancy and some problems on the ranch.
15 years later they are still in love, on the ranch and apparently loving life. she has the best of both the city(her book tours)and the ranch(hot guy in wranglers hanging around all the time).
she is a mess, tells you all about it, and the hot guy loves her.
i like her. i just wish some of the pictures of her silver fox husband with his goatee didnt remind me of dick so much.
bitter, party of one.


its dark over here and i hate it. i am a pro at breaking up and getting over it, but not this time and i am not sure what to do to bring the light back in.
i have done a few things, but they dont seem to be working. maybe they are working,but i just dont know it yet.
i am aware that i am into this post 5 lines and i am already rambling. sigh.
i have eluded to what is going on, but have been too ashamed to admit it. why? i think it makes me seem weak, pathetic, and too(way)vulnerable.
when dick broke up with me, i was hurt and angry, but i accepted it. his choice. it sucks to be broken up with, but he has his free agency.
that lasted for all of 2 weeks. maybe a little longer. i then became inundated with these "nudges" (see the jonah post)that would not leave me be.
they kept coming. and coming. i ignored and fought at first, but things kept happening-by things i mean inspiration in the most coincidental of ways. but there are no coincidences are there?
i kept hearing "what do you remember when you have forgotten everything?" over and over in different scenarios. so i asked myself what i remembered. i was flooded with memories that confirmed that dick loved me. i remembered how when he was leaving and we were in the car together how i struggled with whether or not to touch him. reach out a hand and just touch him. i think he was worried too, but when i put my hand on his leg, he took my hand in both of his and held it the whole way. we werent talking much, but when we got to our destination and were saying good bye he took my face in his hands and kissed me 4 or 5 times in a row. when i went to turn back to the car i thought i heard him say "i love you", but it was windy and noisy and i wasnt sure, so i said "what?" he repeated it and i told him i loved him too.
two days later he broke up with me. said he wasnt ready.
does breaking up nullify all that happened before? when i allow myself to really think about this, i just keep coming up with that he acted out of fear. there are details about the break up that i wont share, but i will say that despite the fact they werent cruel or horrible(besides the fact it was a break up), they really werent in line with what i know of him. i dont want to make excuses, but i just think that if he had made a good decision and was confident in it, he wouldnt have handled it the way he did.
i have prayed a lot about it and it seems that according to my own personal revelation(which i am shaky at best at)that i am on the right track. i felt prompted to contact him, which i did, and have gotten nothing back. this hurts too. of course it does, but if i am doing what i am supposed to should it NOT hurt? shouldnt the great things be happening?
not necessarily according to wendy nelson, who, along with sheri dew, gave a talk called "the savior heals without a scar." sis nelson references hebrews 10:32 "but call to remembrance the former days, in which, after ye were illuminated, ye endured a great fight of afflictions" she went on to explain that "illumination" is confirmation and that we often think that when the trial of afflictions come that we must have got it wrong-that the confirmation was in error, but she says that is incorrect that we are supposed to turn to Heavenly Father more and believe is a God of miracles and believe he will deliver on every promise.
this certainly gave me some insight on my situation with dick, but the waiting is the hardest part. will i wait and be proven an idiot? am i showing a horrible lack of faith? am i being smart and learning from my past? will this finally be a "triumph of hope over experience"?
i would like to think i know. i have been praying a lot and i feel like i have been getting things revealed to me, but i get weak and worried and then it gets dark.

a virtuous woman?

is this even important to men anymore? old cliches like "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" or "you cant buy a car without kicking the tires and looking under the hood." keep running through my head.
do men care? do they find it a good thing that a woman has "saved" herself for marriage or has maintained virtue after a divorce or are the suspicious of someone who has gone without sex for more than a short time?

Sunday, March 6, 2011


depressing article #1

depressing article #2

i am looking for a cliff to jump off of. when i find one, i will let you know, in case you want to jump with me.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

pride cometh before the fall

i am fairly certain that i misquoted that, but i want to talk about pride. i have never considered myself prideful, but after a lengthy instant message conversation with a friend, i think pride might be an issue of mine. pride and fear of vulnerability. my friend totally called me on it-asking what i was so afraid of. i had part of the answer right away, but since our conversation, i have been thinking a lot about it.
what does pride keep you from?