its dark over here and i hate it. i am a pro at breaking up and getting over it, but not this time and i am not sure what to do to bring the light back in.
i have done a few things, but they dont seem to be working. maybe they are working,but i just dont know it yet.
i am aware that i am into this post 5 lines and i am already rambling. sigh.
i have eluded to what is going on, but have been too ashamed to admit it. why? i think it makes me seem weak, pathetic, and too(way)vulnerable.
when dick broke up with me, i was hurt and angry, but i accepted it. his choice. it sucks to be broken up with, but he has his free agency.
that lasted for all of 2 weeks. maybe a little longer. i then became inundated with these "nudges" (see the jonah post)that would not leave me be.
they kept coming. and coming. i ignored and fought at first, but things kept happening-by things i mean inspiration in the most coincidental of ways. but there are no coincidences are there?
i kept hearing "what do you remember when you have forgotten everything?" over and over in different scenarios. so i asked myself what i remembered. i was flooded with memories that confirmed that dick loved me. i remembered how when he was leaving and we were in the car together how i struggled with whether or not to touch him. reach out a hand and just touch him. i think he was worried too, but when i put my hand on his leg, he took my hand in both of his and held it the whole way. we werent talking much, but when we got to our destination and were saying good bye he took my face in his hands and kissed me 4 or 5 times in a row. when i went to turn back to the car i thought i heard him say "i love you", but it was windy and noisy and i wasnt sure, so i said "what?" he repeated it and i told him i loved him too.
two days later he broke up with me. said he wasnt ready.
does breaking up nullify all that happened before? when i allow myself to really think about this, i just keep coming up with that he acted out of fear. there are details about the break up that i wont share, but i will say that despite the fact they werent cruel or horrible(besides the fact it was a break up), they really werent in line with what i know of him. i dont want to make excuses, but i just think that if he had made a good decision and was confident in it, he wouldnt have handled it the way he did.
i have prayed a lot about it and it seems that according to my own personal revelation(which i am shaky at best at)that i am on the right track. i felt prompted to contact him, which i did, and have gotten nothing back. this hurts too. of course it does, but if i am doing what i am supposed to should it NOT hurt? shouldnt the great things be happening?
not necessarily according to wendy nelson, who, along with sheri dew, gave a talk called "the savior heals without a scar." sis nelson references hebrews 10:32 "but call to remembrance the former days, in which, after ye were illuminated, ye endured a great fight of afflictions" she went on to explain that "illumination" is confirmation and that we often think that when the trial of afflictions come that we must have got it wrong-that the confirmation was in error, but she says that is incorrect that we are supposed to turn to Heavenly Father more and believe is a God of miracles and believe he will deliver on every promise.
this certainly gave me some insight on my situation with dick, but the waiting is the hardest part. will i wait and be proven an idiot? am i showing a horrible lack of faith? am i being smart and learning from my past? will this finally be a "triumph of hope over experience"?
i would like to think i know. i have been praying a lot and i feel like i have been getting things revealed to me, but i get weak and worried and then it gets dark.