Saturday, April 30, 2011

perfect, but weird.

i have never promoted or even believed in the "lets be friends" things. i have talked about it before, but basically, i just dont think it works. i think an exception is that if you go out once or twice and its just not "happenin", so you just go into the friend zone. no biggie. i have never had too many opportunities for this type of transition to the friend zone.
today was a little different. not that he is my friend, but a man that i went out with(right before the whole tom, dick and harry thing)was the "priesthood presence" at a relief society event that i was in charge of. he remembered me(why does that always shock me?)and we chatted amicably. there was no reference to our date or the lack of dates since then.
since it is required that we have priesthood at every rs function, i have dealt with a lot of men and when it comes to protecting the women in the ward, they are generally lacking. not really interested in doing it or flaking out last minute if they do sign up.
this guy was there and truly willing to help. he went above and beyond what is normally expected. he continued to seek me out and ask what he could do. we joked quite a bit, but it really wasnt flirting.
just to clarify-i wasnt attracted to him then and i am not attracted to him now. so why does it bug me that he didnt ask me out again?

Monday, April 25, 2011


do i need another reason to be discouraged? thanks "the meaning of virtue" !

Friday, April 22, 2011

more msof

i have been wanting to write, but my dating/romantic life is dead right now. i am officially benched. so what will i write about? my PAST, of course.
looking back over my pages, i saw that i left the story of how msof(mr soldier of fortune)and i met hanging there for almost 2 years. i cant believe its been that long!
if you go to the msof page you can read the previous two entries(i think its 2)of the story.

he looked at me without smiling, but his obvious delight to see me was in his eyes.
"are you getting in or are you just going to stand there?"
i smiled big at him and told him to hold on i was going to change really quick and let my parents know what i was doing(ever the good girl).
"dont you dare change that skirt!" he said emphatically.
i didnt have it in me to play dumb. i was wearing a mini skirt that showed off one of my best assest-my looooooooong legs. i knew i looked good in it, but declined to say anything to him as i turned from the car and walked in my front door.
once the door was closed i practically lept from one room to the other looking ofr one of my parents. i finally found my mother and i spoke so fast that the words were practically unintelligible.
i went to dash to my bathroom for a quick brush of my 80's permed hair, touch up my make up, and spritz some perfume on(i think it was "krystal" from the dynasty collection), but my mother stopped me in my tracks.
"who are you going with?"
"that nice boy who used to live a few blocks away?"
"yes! mom! he is WAITING!"
"he can wait a few minutes for you, dont worry. you know the rules."
although i had given her all the information and that i was 19 years old(well past legal adulthood)i smiled and said,
"msof is in town on leave. he came to the studio to say hi and he was here when i got home. we are going out and i will probably be late."
"where are you going to go" she said in her sweet voice.
"i am not sure. probably dinner and then maybe a drive."
" a DRIVE? do you think that is really a wise choice?"
i really hated when my mom did this. she could be so passive aggressive. she knows i think its a good idea, because i am doing it!
"mom-its FINE, i promise."
before she can say any more i dart out of the room and into my tiny bathroom. through a haze of perfume and aqua net(the only hair spray at the time that could keep the 80's bangs standing up high)i touched up my makeup and quickly brushed my teeth. i gleefully yelled goodbye as i ran out the door. before i made it to msof car i could hear my dad bellowing, "where the hell is she going at this time of night?" and even though i couldnt hear what she said, i could hear my mother shushing him in a comforting way. that was my parents-think edith and archie from all in the family.
i set my purse on the back seat and shut the car door. then i looked at him and saw him smiling at me.
"what was your dad yelling about?"
"you know my dad. its always something. tonight he doesnt like me leaving the house at 9 o'clock at night."
"well? where would you like to go at this late hour?" he smirked. i loved that smirk. 10 years later i would want to smash his face when he smirked, but in that moment i just wanted to kiss him.

Friday, April 15, 2011

i am not making this s*#t up

sooooooooo, i am not even logged into yahoo messenger and when i get home from whatever i was doing the other night(cant remember)there was an im waiting for me. the name seemed familiar(lets call him joe blow), but i couldnt place him. the message just said "hey. remember me?" i really didnt despite all the racking of my brain, but the name did sound familiar, so i replied "i think so, but its been a long time, right?"
he didnt answer back(not sure how long his im had been sitting there, i had been gone all evening.)and i went on with my night. i kept trying to place who he was when it hit me like a ton of bricks who he was. i was kind of happy about it because it was a guy(about 10 years older than me)that i had dated a few times, we got a long great, and things were starting to go somewhere when he called to tell me that he was getting excommunicated for THE SECOND TIME. i had never heard of anyone getting excommunicated TWICE. what the heck? he was really honest and explained it all very nicely. he still wanted to see me, but would understand if i didnt. i told him i would have to think about it and i would get back to him.
i got some input from some trusted friends and decided that i could date him with reservation. lol. with reservation. what i mean is that since he would be excommunicated twice for the same sin he wouldnt be in the market for a temple marriage for a while and dating him for fun would be ok, but it couldnt get serious.
he was handsome, fun, and kind of an old-school gentleman. i really liked him
so i told him i would go out with him and he was pretty happy about it and invited me over. then he called to cancel. the reason why is stupid, but lets just say he didnt think he could restrain himself with me. WHATEVER.
since i solved the mystery i went back to our chat and typed "i remember now!"
just in time for him to type some details about himself that made me realize who he really was and not who i thought he was.
i met mr joe blow on one of the dating sites-he was from my hometown where there is not a huge lds population. turns out he converted as an adult and seemed to have a really solid testimony. he had moved away, but was getting ready to move back to our hometown. i was getting ready to go for a visit, so it all seemed quite fortuitous.
then he started to tell me that before he joined the church he was a shaman for an indian tribe(not making this up, i swear)and explained about the peyote, the visions, and the healing. apparently he still had visions despite he had given up peyote because of his testimony of the word of wisdom.
so i was disappointed that is wasnt the handsome old guy that i know i would have a good date with. no. its the peyote weirdo.
i swear i am a MAGNET.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

my crazy life

if it wasnt so pathetic, it would be funny. its still kind of funny. i guess.
remember mr nice guy? the one whose mother has his testicles in a mason jar in her pantry? that guy. ANYWAY, in true smc fashion, he came back. well "back" is a relative term here. his balls have NOT been released to him yet, but someone(a woman)came up to me at a fireside and said "hi, arent you singlemormonchick?" when i answered in the affirmative she went on to say "i think we have a "friend" in common". i knew who she was talking about, but i played dumb. my head was kind of reeling because i didnt know her at all. how did she know me? i tried to focus as she told me that she "dated" mr nice guy after i broke up with him. still didnt explain how she knew me. i mean mr nice guy lived 4 hours away in a stupid, small, backward town. its not like we ran in the same circles at all. we are chatting back and forth, comparing some notes, sharing a few giggles when i finally ask her- "how did you recognize me and know who i was?" she proceeds to tell me how mr nice guy liked to show my picture around. am i weird for thinking this is odd?

thanks 11th heaven!

i read 11th heaven everyday. we have very little in common(at least one important thing, but thats about it), but i just love her take on stuff. she has cool stuff on her blog too. check it out!

About Me ABCs

Age: 43

Bed Size: sleeping single in a double bed-who sings that one?

Chore You Hate: Unloading the dishwasher. thats 2 things i have in common with ms 11th heaven.

Dogs: i like mutts, but dont see myself having a dog again. after the last one died,my heart just cant take it.

Essential Start of Your Day: Prayer and breakfast

Favorite Color: changes on my mood

Gold or Silver: Silver

Height: 5'11

Instruments You Play: none. i have 0 musical talent.

Job Title: nothing exciting.

Kids: none

Live: undisclosed location

Mom's Name: she hates it and would not like me to tell you.

Nicknames: msof used to call me sasquatch because i am tall and have big feet. how is that for love?

Overnight Hospital Stays: i dont want to talk about it.

Pet Peeve: people who back into parking lots spaces at the mall or grocery store.

Quote From a Movie: im your huckleberry(i like it, but its not my favorite. just didnt want to think too long about it.)

Right- or Left-Handed: Right

Siblings: 1 of each.

Time You Wake Up: 3 or 4 am, but thats the depression. normally 6 or 7

Underwear: Mormon-style,but have a trunk full of fun stuff for WHEN i get married.(like the positive talk there?)

Veggie You Dislike: i am sure there is one, but cant think of it right now.

What Makes You Run Late: everything. i need to get it under control.

X-Rays You Have Had everything. head to feet.

Yummy Food You Make: cheesecake

Zoo Animal You Like Best: giraffes or penguins.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011


it runs in my family in varying degrees. mine is what my therapist refers to as "situational" depression. i am good until the shit really hits the fan and then i crash into a severe depression after a long hard fight.
i have crashed. there have been a few of you that have commented privately(you were very sweet and i wasnt offended in the slightest, just a little embarrassed)that i should seek professional help. i love professional help! i am all for it and have used it in the past. just not sure if i am up for it right now. therapy is hard work and the doctor that i trust the most is no longer in practice. breaking in a new doctor would be difficult. which,is of course, the depression talking. depression takes away all that makes me me and paints me grey.
bottom line-i have been here before and i know my way back. it just sucks.

Monday, April 4, 2011


what inspires men to put up with a pain in the ass woman? i mean really PAIN IN THE ASS. demanding, high maintenance, and bitchy.
i am watching bethenny ever after and i just dont get it. i like bethenny, but she is a pain in the ass and her husband is the nicest, roll with it guy ever. you can tell he loves her. she loves him too and realizes that she has issues and tries to overcome(points for effort for sure), but she is a mess and a huge pain in the ass.
i am sure i have my pain in the ass qualities, but nothing like that.
i realize this is not the first time i have posed this question, but i just dont feel like i have gotten a satisfactory answer. maybe there isnt one.
it probably all boils down to a slight case of envy. the answer will be when i find the man who loves me despite what a pain in the ass i am.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Saturday, April 2, 2011

laughter is the best medicine

as i have gotten older my tastes have changed in just about everything. food. movies. people. music. comedy. everything. i am not completely comfortable with some of these changes, but i am somewhat resigned.
i first started noticing it with the movies i watched. most of my friends were strictly total chick flick or goofy movie watchers, but gbf and i would watch edgier movies like memento or american beauty. i felt myself starting to lose my "edge". i found myself increasingly uncomfortable with the sex and violence in "good", critically acclaimed movies.
when unfaithful came out, gbf was really interested in seeing it, but i begged off. he was kind of upset with me because we were movie buddies and had very similar tastes. despite the fact that is was so well received by the critics and i loved the actors starring in it, i couldnt bring myself to watch it. diane lanes sex scene with her lover were raved about and rage depicted by richard gere and the violence it created was considered one of his best performances ever. i just couldnt do it.
i found myself preferring lighter fare. i felt a little embarrassed because i didnt want to see the heavier and edgy stuff like i used to. gbf and i stopped going to movies together. all i wanted was to laugh. to be cheered up. but thats not so easy anymore. i dont find the same things funny. i can watch old snl episodes on vh1, knowing that 5 years ago i laughed my ass off, but now they dont seem funny at all.
in a way, i feel like i am grieving for a lost part of myself.
more than ever, i need to be cheered. to get a break from the realities of my life and escape. this morning, i got it on comedy central. based on what i have mentioned so far, i can tell you that comedy central would be the last place i would look. all the comedians they show and the STUPID movies just make me sick. most of the time i just feel old and humorless when i try to even watch more than 2 seconds. today was different. today there was jim gaffigan . the clip is not from the show i saw, but it was equally as funny. it felt good to laugh out loud at his silliness. i love the voice he does to imitate what someone in the audience might be saying. hilarious. i hope you enjoy it. i did.