Tuesday, March 31, 2009

broken heart

man! i am such an idiot. i went against all my better judgement. i KNEW what was going to happen and i saw him anyway. all his promises....LIES. why do men, especially men in the church(we are supposed to be operating under a higher standard, right?)choose to act this way? i have my theories, but even when i repeat them in my head, they seem self serving. i hate being made a fool of and i let him do it. i went with an open mind and heart. weapons buried. did all that i could to make it easy for him. did he do anything to make it easy for me? no. of course not. he blames me for all. i feel like rapping my knuckles against his head just to see if there is anything in there. i have no desire to date at all anymore. i keep picking the wrong guy. the wrong type of guy. i really thought this guy was my prayers being answered. i think i need to get my revelation wires repaired. sigh.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

infinite steps back

oh my gosh. it couldnt have gone worse. i dont even know if i can write about it. mr ex man is gone forever. no recovering. i am sick over how it all happened. its just horrible and icky. his life is such a mess, but he thinks i am the screwed up one. it is a classic case of deflecting blame to another in an effort to distract from all that is screwed up with you. my heart is broken. he was mean and cruel. so unnecessary. maybe i will write more later. this hurts.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

3 steps forward......?

mr ex man knows i am going to be in his city and is happy and seems excited. wants to "sweep me away" and "seduce me". we actually SPOKE today. he called. i had been praying so hard yesterday, telling HF that i was going to be there and wanted to see him so badly,but only wanted his will. the right thing. voila! mr ex man emailed me late yesterday afternoon. we are making progress. apologies. promises. good promises. will my dream come true? he was my dream. now i find myself ducking punches(figuratively,not implying any sort of physical abuse) that arent even really there. we are managing the difficult topics. still lots of stuff to figure out. dont know if i can handle the litter and the ex wife. i love this man, but we all know, love is not enough. takes so much more. listening to our soundrack on youtube. in the beginning, we sent youtube links to different romantic songs from our era. i had erased them in an angry fit, but the last time i logged into youtube-they were there.mmmmmm.

Monday, March 9, 2009

mr ex man rides again

i am not a friend of mr ex man on facebook,myspace,ldslinkup or any other social networking website. i deleted him from all a long time ago. today, out of the blue, i get an email from him via facebook. i was quite stunned, but it truly seemed an answer to a prayer. i have been praying for days for the answers to what to do with this man. continue on without him? we emailed back and forth for a few hours. seemed to be going well, but then.....the blame game. truly. it has to be all my fault for him to be satisfied. he literally blames me for the fact that he called me horrible,ugly names. if i hadnt provoked him....he was only responding to me.....BLAH BLAH BLAH. then he bails from the conversation all together. common tactic. i just dont get it.

Saturday, March 7, 2009


beautiful day. went to the temple. amazing spiritual experiences, but its like i am seeing all through some sort of foggy filter. its like i am dorothy spinning out of control in the tornado and landing in oz is so far down the road that i cant even imagine my life being in color ever again.