Saturday, August 18, 2012

thinking of learning morse code

i dont seem to interpret personal revelation properly and  maybe going to a method of communication that is so basic will improve my understanding. i keep screwing it up. i keep getting it wrong. i think i get an important piece of personal revelation and i act on it and i hit a wall. its happened several times and its creating a moderate trial of faith. 
i dont think Heavenly Father will be on board with switching his methods and who would blame him?  i am certain is my problem, but that brings zero comfort. i really dont know what i am doing to screw this up.
the most recent "communication problem" is regarding dick-i thought i had it figured out-it was just a matter of faith and faith in the Lords timing. but it wasnt. it wasnt that at all. Maybe its just free agency. despite revelation, you still have free agency to make the wrong decision.
i am grasping at straws trying to find a clever way to say what is on my mind and i am not doing it at all. i apologize.
dick has been gone for a long time, but unlike mr ex man or mr nice guy, he had not left my heart.  he has now left my heart. it hurts. i feel foolish. i hate feeling foolish-it makes me angry.
part of me wants to tell the whole story, but i find it so embarrassing that even on an "anonymous" forum such as a blog, i cant bear to talk about it yet. i dont know if i ever will.
i have talked to 2 friends about it. they have been understanding and gave wonderful insight that made a lot of sense, but now i am trying to crawl away from the pit of quick sand of low self esteem that threatens to swallow me up.
i would love if anyone would comment and tell me about any experience you have with screwing up personal revelation.

Monday, August 13, 2012

if you arent crazy, are you boring?

i think i have written a couple of different posts over the years mulling over this topic in one way or another, but its nagging at me again.  the past few months have been nothing but mating season-everyone seems to be pairing off, getting engaged, and getting married. i am not normally a green with envy kind of gal, but if you look close, you might see a bit of chartreuse around the edges. with few exceptions-these girls are kind of crazy. sometimes the guys are too, but never both in the same couple. does "normal" attract crazy or does it go looking for it?  if i have any hopes of snagging a man, do i need to whack it out a bit?  at this point in my life, i am so worn out from the games, i dont think i have it in me to play crazy.  maybe its better to be alone with my boring self and hope that some boring guy will find me as his soul mate.  or maybe i am the kind of crazy that repels men and i am unaware of it, thinking i am "normal". right now i just feel that i am about as exciting as paint drying. i truly want someone who loves me what i am that boring. i will have my moments of crazy fun, but dont we all need to be loved without being "on" all the time?