Saturday, August 18, 2012

thinking of learning morse code

i dont seem to interpret personal revelation properly and  maybe going to a method of communication that is so basic will improve my understanding. i keep screwing it up. i keep getting it wrong. i think i get an important piece of personal revelation and i act on it and i hit a wall. its happened several times and its creating a moderate trial of faith. 
i dont think Heavenly Father will be on board with switching his methods and who would blame him?  i am certain is my problem, but that brings zero comfort. i really dont know what i am doing to screw this up.
the most recent "communication problem" is regarding dick-i thought i had it figured out-it was just a matter of faith and faith in the Lords timing. but it wasnt. it wasnt that at all. Maybe its just free agency. despite revelation, you still have free agency to make the wrong decision.
i am grasping at straws trying to find a clever way to say what is on my mind and i am not doing it at all. i apologize.
dick has been gone for a long time, but unlike mr ex man or mr nice guy, he had not left my heart.  he has now left my heart. it hurts. i feel foolish. i hate feeling foolish-it makes me angry.
part of me wants to tell the whole story, but i find it so embarrassing that even on an "anonymous" forum such as a blog, i cant bear to talk about it yet. i dont know if i ever will.
i have talked to 2 friends about it. they have been understanding and gave wonderful insight that made a lot of sense, but now i am trying to crawl away from the pit of quick sand of low self esteem that threatens to swallow me up.
i would love if anyone would comment and tell me about any experience you have with screwing up personal revelation.


  1. I think for me, the thing I have to remember about personal revelation is 2 things: 1. When it gets hard it doesn't mean its not right 2. we can sometimes think we know what God wants us to do but we don't because we didn't actually ask him what it means and how we need to proceed. Sometimes we think we know what something means and race ahead without asking God more about it.

    For example, we might be in a relationship and ask God if its the right relationship but then move forward to marriage but maybe that isn't actually the purpose of that relationship. It might be that relationship was good for each of you for a particular amount of time or purpose and then you need to move on. We think we have confirmation for something we don't actually have. We have to keep checking back to make sure we are actually doing what God wants us to do. And what was right at one time may not be right later.

    I love the talk by Elder Holland called Cast not away therefor thy confidence. Its available on and talks about not losing faith when things get hard or don't go as we think they should go.

    Hope that is helpful.

  2. jennvan! so nice to see your comment :)
    i have to give myself some credit(this time around)for being very conscientious about how i asked and how i listened. i have made several mistakes in the past in this regard and was determined not to make them again.
    i agree with everything you said and i think i was on track, but something went HAYWIRE. :/
    i will probably write more and i will welcome any further comments-thank you for your thoughtfulness.

  3. oh, I do it all the time; sometimes on purpose... sometimes not on purpose. I think part of the trick is really learning to communicate, it's funny how seriously different men and women understand what the other says.

  4. I agree with JennVan. A lot of people think that having a Holy Ghost means you will never mess up in life. Me, personally, I have found that is NOT. the case. =) Why is that, though? How come the Holy Ghost, at times, seems to fall silent in those times when you need guidance, the most?

    So. You go into prayer and ask God what you should be doing. God is not going to misguide you when you are in prayer, asking of Him.

    Also. God can explain, WHY, the Holy Ghost did not say anything, and let you make your choice as you did. Surprisingly, you'll come to find that it's not the Holy Ghost that has fallen silent, but rather; you not accepting the answer the Holy Ghost is giving you, by pretending to be confused by the signs.

    Your Holy Ghost does not insult your intelligence. The Holy Ghost talks to you, and expects you to be smart, and to remember, what you have talked about, before, previously.

    Take care, hope this helps.... !

  5. i truly dont think i made the mistake of thinking i would not mess up in life(maybe a long time ago, but i havent thought that way since i was in my 20's)because i have the Holy Ghost.
    if i truly remember what the Holy Ghost told me, it creates a whole new conflict. if i go with one logical and inspired conclusion, its contradicted by facts. i am still praying, but its difficult. i dont know what to say so i spend a lot of time praying that i know what to pray about. :/