Monday, September 3, 2012

the lies we tell ourselves

despite my best, valiant efforts to erase all memories of dick and all that concerns him, he creeps back in.  it getting progressively better-my heart no longer physically aches; a big bonus.
as you may have noticed, i am a talker. its how i process things.  i have worked out so many things while talking to a few select friends, sometimes have a light bulb moment mid conversation.
i am uncharacteristically quiet(and by quiet i mean i have only had one conversation w/one friend) this time. i think part of the reason is because i cannot seem to unravel the dick situation in my head. i cant even find the tail so i can start to unwind it. every reasonable hypothesis is immediately contradicted by a random fact that cannot be disputed. not to mention the confirmations. lets review the confirmations of smc...
mr soldier of fortune:  my memory concerning the prayers i offered about marrying him are a little fuzzy, but in my minds eye, i can see myself kneeling by my twin bed in my room in my parents house and sincerely asking if i should marry him. the answer i received was yes. i remember the peace i felt and the smile on my face that could not be contained as my father escorted me down the left aisle in our ward building.
mr nice guy: i dont remember praying about him, but he showed up on the scene right around the time i was going through a major personal crisis. he was sweet. he was kind. it seemed like an answer to a prayer that i never prayed.
mr ex man:  at this point i have a divorce, 2 serious relationships, and a few not so serious relationships under my belt. we hit it off, but i was uber-conscientious about what i wanted and how important having a heavenly seal approval on my choice was to me.  i felt good about this relationship and actually had a sweet spiritual experience in the temple regarding my decision to go forward.
dick: i met him more than 2 years after mr ex man. there were a few random dates and things that were interesting, but never went anywhere. no prayer or confirmations needed.  i governed myself(since i was taught correct principles). back to dick. i did not consider him as a serious possibility at first, but he was tenacious and his charm grew on me. considering all the past failures and my advancing years, i did not want to screw up this time. i prayed the whole time to "know the truth in all things"; to be guided to know if it was a good thing to be with him. i got the green light every time. i checked back to confirm. i studied. i searched out scriptures and general conference talks on the subject. i prayed about what i read and how it related to my growing relationship with dick. i can remember times silently praying to myself while he was talking to me, asking for the power of discernment. i dont feel i can justifiably deny what the Holy Ghost told me. I just cant. HOWEVER i cannot wrap my head around what has happened. it doesnt make sense. it contradicts everything. and. i. just. dont. get. it.
knowing that Heavenly Father knows the end from the beginning, i wonder why he didnt clue me in. did i need another heartbreak of this magnitude? i dont think so.  i truly dont.
oh yeah. i recently discovered that dick is married again.


  1. That sounds painful, I've heard that it takes as long as the relationship existed to get over the relationship; I can't believe that's always true, but it does sound like it haunts you. It's hard to think that all things will end up for your good, but this is probably the case. Though the Holy Ghost told you it'd be okay if you did, that doesn't mean another won't be better. Keep your chin up.

    He was recently married, does that mean he's recently divorced or he got married recently?

  2. both. he was recently divorced(less than a year) when i met him and i recently found out that he remarried. maybe i should rewrite that line. i thought it was rather dramatic, but now i see that its a little confusing. ;-)

  3. I am a blurker of your blog. I have "watched" your heartache and confusion for more than two years, I believe. Dick's remarriage has to be heartbreaking for you, but probably gives his family great peace and hope. For the family's sake, I hope that all works out well . . . if they didn't solve the reason(s) for the divorce before remarrying, I have my doubts. But that isn't the reason I came out of blurkdom. A bishop several years ago shared some of his wisdom with me; perphaps it will help you as well. If not, at least you know you have another faithful reader. ;-)

    The bishop shared a three-fold answer to the age-old question:
    Why does the Lord permit bad things to happen to good people?
    1-Human error in judgment (e.g., Joseph Smith losing the 116 pages of the BOM).
    2-Provides an opportunity to grow and receive a fullness of joy.
    3-Preserves our agency, even the agency of the "wicked" (see Alma 14:8-11).

    So, with #3 answer in mind, although you were receiving the go-ahead signals, Dick was able to use his free agency to re-establish a relationship with his ex-wife and terminate your relationship. YOU DID ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG. Dick was exercising his agency, something you could not control and something Heavenly Father would not control or He would cease to be God. I hope this helps you to move on to a better tomorrow.

  4. terry- thanks so much for your comment. although i dont think dick is wicked, i think #3 applies here. glad you came out blurkdom. :)

  5. Dear Single Mormon Chick,
    I would like to either a) email you or b) have a conversation via comments on some post you don't care about. lol. This probably seems like spam, but it isn't, I was just browsing our dear mutual friend Waited for a Sister Missionary's blog and saw how you commented on pretty much every post and thought you might like to hear how his life is going, since he's lame and doesn't post on the blog anymore...
    Anyway, let me know.
    Sincerely, Mirage ;)

  6. :)

  7. While I like what Terry said generally, I think there is another option that I think happens more than we understand. I believe that God gives us a confirmation for a relationship to move forward, but that doesn't always mean that the relationship must end in marriage. So many times in the church we believe that the relationship must end in marriage. Sometimes its just to be in the relationship, to learn and grow for ourselves or for the other person. Or other times, we ask the wrong question and believe are asking the right question. Sometimes we ask 'is this the person i'm supposed to be with?' and then get confused when it doesn't lead to marriage. Our questions to God are more important than we think they are. Our ability to bring our will into alignment with God's will is more important than we think (vs asking/begging for what we want).

  8. jennvan- i certainly think i have made those type of mistakes ie: asking the wrong questions or not verifying that i am in accordance with Heavenly Fathers will, but i dont think it applies to this situation. i certainly leave space for the possibility there is something i am missing(there would have to be, wouldnt there?), but for now, i am doing ok. still a little bit perturbed, but ok. i will work it out, i am sure.

  9. I too spent many years post-divorce, single, dating, wanting to marry, but having instead a string of failed relationships. I was beating my head against the proverbial wall, trying to figure it all out. When I finally did, it was the biggest and most important moment of my life. And it was so simple, and so beautiful, and suddenly so many things made sense. Life still has its challenges, and its ups and downs, but at least it makes some sense, since I discovered that the church I grew up in wasn't what I had been taught all my life. Perhaps you will wake up one day, if you haven't already, and realized that you can find your own way in life, and not have to live your life being governed by the rules and regulations of a corporation masquerading as a church.

  10. i need to think more on your comments and reply properly, but one thing i can say is that i am awake. :)