the path of least resistance

i am about to confess something that i find very difficult to admit...i have low self esteem.  i fake it pretty well and i would have to say that i can acknowledge my finer points(i do believe i have them), but it is always easier to believe the worst.

i think being SO willing to take the blame is a girl/woman thing. maybe its more of a mormon-girl/woman thing.

i was watching dr drew a week or so ago and he had on 3 authors. 2 women co-wrote a book called 'DUMPED' and the other was a man(forget his name), who has written on the "secrets" of men. i guess he is a self proclaimed traitor of men-revealing all the things men really think and why they do certain things and how women can manage a successful relationship with one of those creatures. the reason i mention this is that one thing he said really caught my attention(which was difficult to do since the women kept talking over him and trying to disprove everything he said); he said that 98% of the time when a man leaves,breaks up, dumps a woman it has nothing to do with her-its his own insecurities.

i found this interesting since i was running down the check list of all the possible reasons dick left and eventually married another woman. the basics: too old, not a size 2, not independently wealthy, blah, blah, blah. then i would move on to other possibilities like the tone of my voice may have come across too judgmental when discussing important topics or the fact that i didnt think i wanted to have children(his wife has 3)or asking him about his kids. logically, i know this list is ridiculous, but it still haunts me. when i am in full possession of my logical mind, i remind myself of  the women that i do know that happen to be a size 2, blonde, have oodles of kids, etc and they are no more successful in their relationships.

i am rambling. i do that. sorry.

any way, when presented with an opinion by a man that practically invites to let myself off the blame hook, it is EASIER to believe that it was my fault.

i am smart enough to fight it. remind myself of the truth and refocus my efforts to moving on and giving myself a break.

when dick broke up with me the 2 friends i  confided in both said in one way or another that  he freaked out and bolted. now they are in possession of facts that i have not confided here on my blog-their theory makes total sense because of those facts. also ties into what the dude on dr drew said.

sometimes you just dont know the reasons and you have to accept it. 

i hate that.