Friday, January 30, 2009

why does time fly?

man. i know its not a new sentiment, but HOLY CRAP! the older i get, the faster time goes by and the less i seem to get done. january is practically over. i have spent the last 2 weeks fighting some evil flu and fighting with mr ex-man. nothing to show for it. nothing at all. this really sucks. i hate it. seems like its all spinning out of control. heck, its out of control. been out of control. wow. i am ranting, arent i?

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

soooo tired

i have been sick for the last few days. i hate being sick. especially this kind. super tired, cant move, only get up to pee and sip a little water. i am starting to come out of it, but it sure sucks. i have friends and family who would all be happy to bring me soup and ginger ale,but dont we all want that special SOMEONE to gladly bring it to us because they picked us, not because they got stuck by some freak accident of birth? mr ex-man called me today. i didnt tell him i was sick. i have been thinking about that. is it because i fear appearing weak or flawed? or is it more like i dont think i could depend on him for comfort? tough questions to ponder. i hate that.

Monday, January 19, 2009

sick and single

i hate being sick. there are a million reasons why, but one of the biggies is that when you are single, you dont have that special someone to bring you soup and ginger ale. i think i touched on this on a recent post, but i am still sick and still feeling miserable. fighting with the ex-mr wonderful which makes everything worse. i really am stuck in a co-dependent craze with him. its truly not my style, but my conviction that he was THE ONE was so strong, i kept doing the dance, thinking i would learn the steps and we would glide gracefully on the floor together. i have friends and family at the ready. they will bring me soups and get me otc remedies, but they didnt pick me. they are stuck with me in a sense. can you tell that i tend to get a tad depressed when sick? i need a nap, but feel like i want to write something. something profound, but all that is coming out is big baby whiny crap. sigh.

baking bread

i do it and i love it. most seem surpised by this, i think because most of the married with kids types in these parts dont do it. a lot seem intimidated by the process. it really isnt difficult and the results are so worth it. i grew up with a mom who baked bread every few days. nothing like the smell of baking bread. i am baking some wheat bread right now. it smells soooooo good. my sister is providing some compassionate service for a family in our ward and asked me to bake bread to take along with the meal she is making. mmmmmm. just took 3 big loaves out of the oven. it looks and smells divine. i think we might be headed for a backlash to the homemaking arts. a few of the youngest sisters in my ward are starting a whole canning craze. they are canning meat and beans and of course, the basic fruits and vegetables. i have never canned before. i have assisted, but never actually canned. i am very interested in learning. i feel a canning/bread making enrichment class in my future.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

sundays and the single girl

ok-i hate to say it;actually i dont hate to say it, but i hesitate to because i do believe they serve a purpose. singles wards. i hate them. hated them when i was 18 and i hate them now that i am 40.i am in a family ward. its great. the first one since my divorce that just accepted the cool, divorced chick. as great as it is, some sundays find me sad at seeing all the families. my ward is particularly young, so you know what that means: babies. young couples and babies. sometimes when i see these couples sitting close together in the pew-his arm around her, she's leaning in....sigh. i always wanted it. got used to not having it, but with my recent wedding plans down the makes me sad. so close, but no go. sigh. its a void that creates such an ache in me. again, feels weak to even put those words out there, but they are the truth.

Saturday, January 17, 2009


watching "phenomenon" with john travolta,kiera sedgewick,and robert duvall. i love that movie. 2 scenes in particular. the first is kind of obvious. the scene where she cuts his hair and shaves him. sexy. the other is with "doc" in the bar and he gives his speech about "buying her chairs". george kept buying lace's hand crafted chairs. he loved her and wanted to show that in a way she would uniquely understand. he found the key and used it. i need someone to buy my chairs. i think we all do. i dont know for sure what my chairs are, but i know the man who figures it out will have my heart forever. i know its a movie, but i really believe we can have aspects of that kind of love in the real world. i am counting on it.

Friday, January 16, 2009

the grope man

i was recently thinking about a date i had a while back. i had met this man through the lds dating site i was subscribed to at the time. we hit it off big time. everything seemed to go in a healthy and proper "flow". not too slow. not too fast. nothing inappropriate. he was interesting and funny and talking with him made me feel equally interesting and funny. through my post divorce dating only lds guys, i have found that not all share the ideal of keeping the law of chastity-so i have found casual and creative ways of working it into the conversation to find out where they stand on the issue. with this guy, it came up very naturally and we had great discussions on the topic. he was local, but working out of town, so our entire relationship was im,email, and then phone calls. we got increasingly flirty and as we approached "the line"(actually one night, i am pretty sure he crossed it, but we had a bad connection)i figured i needed to broach the subject again.i was so looking forward to seeing him(he was coming home on vacation)and did not want it ruined by any misunderstanding about what i was and was not willing to do. so we talked. we were on the same page. once home, getting together proved to be difficult(5+kids and the killer flu,need i say more?),but he put herculean effort in to get to me(chivalry lives!),enduring major traffic jams due to road contruction and a huge accident. i pulled into the parking lot of where we agreed to meet(i never have a 1st date pick me up at home)he strode right up to my car put his hands on the door and leaned in and gave me a kiss. a nice kiss. i got out of the car, we embraced and smiled at each other. this was good! it was(so far)translating to real world, in person compatibility. we had a nice dinner. he still wasnt feeling well, so we stopped for some otc remedies and headed back to our rendezvous point where he promptly leaned in for some more kissing. he was a good kisser. i tried to lean in as well, but forgot to release my seatbelt, so i was held back. while kissing him back, i tried to reach back with my right hand to release it, but no luck. had to disengage from him to break free. once free, the kissing resumed. again, nice. i was really enjoying it(i guess i should say here that i NEVER kiss on the first date.i am affectionate,but i like to know someone first)until all of a sudden his hand creeped up from my waist to directly on my right breast! internally, i froze. i was loving this makeout session in the front seat of his big black truck. of course i am human and his hand in that area didnt feel so bad either. sigh. it had to move before the line was crossed. complacency would be crossing the line, so while still kissing him i gently moved his hand back to my waist. not immediately, but quick enough, he pulled away and said he needed to get back. he came around, opened my door, hugged and kissed me goodbye. i felt sick to my stomach. you know how you just KNOW things sometimes? i knew he was mad that i wasnt game for more. the thing that pissed me off was we talked about it. in detail. i told him exactly where i stood and he complimented me on my virtue and said he respected my choices. sigh. the high school girl in me was more sad about him not liking me because i wouldnt let him get to 3rd base. a few days later i got an email from him telling me that he had fun, but couldnt see us being any more than friends. sigh. liar.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

self indulgent pity party

this is one thing i hate about being one to cry to in bed at night.i hate seeing myself type those words. seems weak, but its the truth and what else is a blog for if its not the ugly truth? i generally dont mind being single. rather be single than in a bad or even mediocre marriage, but i am really gaining emphathy for women(or men for that matter)who choose the wrong person for themselves just to have a warm body next to them in bed.or pay bills.or sit next to in church.just to have someone THERE.i should have been married over the summer. plans all in place.i think i dodged a bullet, but i am having trouble letting go of the dream of who i thought he was. why do we try to trick and fool each other so badly?i feel myself heading for a total baby fit and i am not ready for that. even in a blog. sigh

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

random rant

i am so sick of vanity plates. when i was driving home tonight 10 cars in a row had vanity plates. most of them were really stupid. i hate them. sick of them. can we stop it please? i am also getting worn out from all the vinyl lettering/logos, etc with the stick figure families including the dog, RULDS2, and various political slogans. i cant remember the last really smart bumper sticker i've seen. sigh.

more sex and the good mormon girl

i sincerely intended to write more on yesterday's entry regarding sex. its on everyones mind. i went out with one man who told me he agreed with the law of chastity "in theory",but thought the church should alter its stance for divorced persons since they were previously sexually active. i personally think that is crazy. i understand why he is saying it. kind of. comitting to a celibate lifestyle after living a sexually active one is difficult. i just dont think that single members of the church(in general)try hard enough.i am not talking about living like a nun or some monk,but PEOPLE can we keep it zipped up? i need to do some research and post the actual statistics, but we KNOW that jumping into sex too fast is a BAD thing. it creates issues, none of which are good. i remember reading a study several years ago making the argument that pre-marital sex and co-habitation does not improve the odds for a successful marriage. quite the opposite. divorce rates are actually higher for couples who have lived together before marriage. i digress. i do that. ramble. get off on tangents. anyway. i think there are blessings to be had for following the law of chastity. its not always easy and certainly explaining to your dates(even the active members)can be a nightmare. i hate the fact that even members look at you like you are a freak because you havent had sex in 10 years. sigh. during my time on the lds dating site i could just sense them clicking back on my picture, thinking that i must have posted a phony shot or a very old one at the very least because the reason i am not having sex MUST be because i dont get offers due to unfortunate looks or something.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

celibacy and the law of chastity

sex. its a hot topic no matter what,but it seems to take on the strangest dimensions in mormonworld. even stranger when you get into over30singlemormonworld. i had been divorced for about 6-7 years when i decided that getting married again might NOT be the worst thing ever and that in order to get married, i would probably have to date(who makes these rules?!).i chose a lds dating site.i had no preconceived notions that all on this site would be uber-righteous, but i had no idea the soddom and gamorrah that awaited me. with a few exceptions, all the contacts started out innocently enough,but within a few minutes the im conversations took a decidedly cyber-sex turn. it would happen so quickly-i didnt see it coming-then i felt like some high school girl slapping a boys hands i mentioned, i am 40 years old, so i was surpised when these KIDS, i mean KIDS, 21-26 years old began to hotly pursue, i am no troll. i am pretty cute, but probably not cute enough to be a cougar.even if i was, i dont know if i would have the patience to deal with a man-child like that. ANYWAY-what i figured out was these kids figured out, by either their brilliant deductive reasoning, or by EXPERIENCE(mmmmm...sisters?)that the older, divorced girls are EASY and have lots of fun things to share with the boys online.

Monday, January 12, 2009

single and mormon

you really might as well have 2 heads. even though the single poplulation within the mormon church has grown considerably, the ability to deal successfully with said population is some what was even worse a little over 10 years ago when i divorced my "non-member" husband. when i started going back to church regularly, most wanted to chalk my divorce up to the simple fact i had married a "non member". if i had listened more closely to the spirit, i would have been guided to marry a wonderful returned missionary and been on my way to eternal happiness. WHATEVER.