Sunday, January 2, 2011

taking a suggestion

i am a talker. when anything happens to me-good or bad-i need to talk about it to process it.
dick breaking up with me hit me hard. it would have been bad no matter what, but he really blindsided me, so much so that i didnt want to talk about it.
i sent a mass text to all those(and there was a lot)who knew he was coming and just told them that things did not work out, he was gone, and i didnt want to talk about it.
this panicked some of my friends because they know how i am. talk, talk, talk. a talker. always talking. it really helps me process it, but this time, i really didnt want to. at first.
by time the weekend was over, i had spilled part or all of the story to various close friends. all were really supportive and helped me see a few things that i might not have considered.
i dont think its too uncommon for women to blame themselves, but i always jump on that. what did i do wrong? was it something i said? was i not pretty enough? did my butt look fat in the jeans i wore?
all of those questions are pretty ridiculous considering everything that transpired. i want to write it all down, but despite the fact that my blog is an anonymous one, i hesitate to reveal the weirdness of it all.
some of the facts could be interpreted as bad judgment on my part, which i hate. i am willing to admit bad judgment,but this time, i thought i was so careful. dotting i's, crossing t's. i thought i had great judgment.
i have made so many mistakes in the past that i wanted to be cautious. i prayed about everything. went to the temple so much they put a plaque with my name engraved on it on one of the chairs in the celestial room.
i thought i was getting the green light of deity.
well....the joke was on me.
he bailed big time and i was left wondering WHAT THE FU, no...i wouldnt have said that, but definitely WHAT THE HELL?! passed my lips.
sigh. i am thinking of giving up on the romance crap altogether-seems like a scam to me.
bitter much?


  1. So sorry for your loss. Maybe somehow he did find out about your blog. When the right one comes along, you will know because you won't feel the need to try so hard at making it work. This is just my observation after meeting my hubby and marrying at 34....I dated a lot of guys.

  2. I'm still waiting to hear the whole story.

    I don't like talking it out with people. Well maybe I do, but I've never had someone I could really talk to about such things. I just think about my problems and I come up with a solution.

    My blog entries always begin as an outlet, but typing out my issue usually causes me to figure it all out before I finish.

  3. i just dont know if i can get the whole story out. so many layers of weirdness and i feel embarrassed even though no one knows who i am. i am starting to figure things out as i talk to a few select friends and even the limited typing i have done here.
    it was fairly effortless with dick until it wasnt.