Tuesday, April 7, 2009

waking up pissed off

i rarely remember my dreams and last night was no exception, but it must have been bad, because i woke up mad. madder than hell. i hate waking up like that. i am trying not to think about mr ex man too much. it really wont get me anywhere and at worst will drive me to do the Mormon version of drunk dialing. cant do that. no no no. i guess i will just vent here. a year wasted. i am searching for the lessons. i guess there are personal lessons in letting things drag on and on, hoping for the best, but nothing but the worst being manifested week after week. the thing i am struggling with is the confirmation. this was so important to me, i didnt want to mess it up. i was willing to walk away if it wasnt what HF wanted for me. i felt it so strong. i dont think i got it wrong, but what other explanation is there? not that i expected it to be all wine and roses. i knew there would be challenges, but had a perfect faith that, along with the confirmation, would give me what i needed to deal with those challenges. he had no such faith. nothing i said or did mattered. he blamed me for things he did himself. called names. criticized. was hateful. i was always willing to forgive. at the end, i got angry. desperate to change it or end it. i said things i regret(nothing compared to the nasty name calling he provided)in order to get to that end. i was willing to be in his city and never call him, but i prayed. i begged for the guidance and for HF's will. mr ex man emailed. he called(after weeks of silence). is that not a sign? a push in that direction? it was such a disaster. it was all i feared it to be. maybe more. he blames me. says he could never give me the reassurance i need. like i am some sucking vortex of neediness? thanks alot. the only reassurance i needed was from the crap he dished out. why couldnt he see that? he takes no responsibility. shows no signs of remorse. even if he didnt love me or want to be with me(he denied both until the very end), why would he want to create such exit damage? he could have kindly left me behind if he truly believed all the crap he said about me. truly all lies,but he takes them as his truth-i think in an effort to excuse himself. i could analyze this to death. i probably will, but i am worn out. i am in no way trying to promote myself as perfect. i am not. i wasnt in this relationship, but i sought improvement and forgiveness. i really thought this was my dream come true. i am mad that it blew up in my face. it didnt have to.

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