Sunday, April 19, 2009

why does it work this way?

a man that i briefly dated came to church today. i met him on nice guy. a little boring, but you never know if that is just nerves or what. we went on a few dates. he is truly boring. a nice man. sweet as can be, but just not my cup of tea. he is a transplant from a far away place and living in a neighboring small town that is even smaller than the town i live in. so small that he is still in the same ward with his ex wife. he's a convert, so i introduced him to the concept of having his records moved to a new ward. well, he picked mine. he works a crazy schedule so he literally goes months without coming to church. like i said, he showed up today. i feel bad because he has timidly put it out there that he would like to go out again. i definitely do not want to go out with him. the man i want cant get it together to be with me and someone i have no interest in would probably do a lot in order to be with me. sometimes i wonder if HF is teaching me a lesson-like go for the boring guy. arent we supposed to get our hearts desire? he has 2 kids and he loves them, but he is very apathetic about what goes on in their lives. he is just very vanilla. not that i am all crazy and exotic, but he's the guy who is content to sit on a lake all day with a rod and reel and do nothing. he is not a talker. at all. it doesnt seem like he really has a testimony. i need a man with a bit of a testimony. i dont want to be dragging someone along. i am rambling. again. just want to be with mr ex man.i was in a meeting and while doing a group scripture study i came across a scripture i had highlighted, wrote the date, and wrote mr ex mans initials. it made me so sad seeing it there. when i did it, i was certain we would be married. praying to get over it. he was cruel and insensitive. why would i want a man like that? the promises in the beginning. ones he actually delivered on. it wasnt all smoke and mirrors. i read this article:
mr ex man met all those points. for a short time. i miss what we were. i want it back, but its been gone for so long. for much longer than it was there. just wish i knew if i screwed up the confirmation or if his free agency trumped it all.

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