Monday, April 26, 2010

ranting and raving

like i said: yesterday sucked. today started out ok, but is turning into a suck fest as well. this will more that likely be a rambling and all over the place post-more than usual, i should say. i hope you can hang in there with me despite the whiny crybaby antics that are about to ensue.
things started going downhill about the middle of last week. i had this "destination wedding" to go to, but needed a few things done to my car before i embarked on a road trip. i had arranged quite some time ago for a friend to those things, but he had to work around his family and his day job. he got half the work done, but i was getting nervous. i dont like to drive long distances on my own, so i started to think about who might want to spend the day with me and take a drive.
well...that list is a mile long, but it was last minute. i had planned to step outside of my comfort zone and just make the trip solo, but who could i ask last minute? that list is considerable shorter. i really thought and agonized over it for a while. i didnt want to inconvenience anyone. i have really good friends who know how i hate to drive long distances alone. if i asked, they would probably really juggle stuff to help me out. i didnt want that.
barring his cancer diagnosis, gbf is my go-to friend for these kind of situations. on one hand, i could see him jumping at the chance to get away for the day and just get outside of his head and enjoy some scenery, but then again, he was just diagnosed with cancer. he had biopsies and chemo and radiation treatments coming up. maybe he didnt want to take a road trip.
another factor that played into this drama(in my head anyway)was that while i was invited to the wedding and i filled out my rsvp with a +1, the happy couple had to withdraw the invite for the + 1 because their venue had limited space and some out of town guests that they did not expect to come, rsvp'd.
so whoever i asked, they wouldnt even get the benefit of a free meal and the fun and excitement of watching a bunch of people get drunk and make fools of themselves.
i ultimately decided to put it out there to gbf. i decided just to see if he had any interest in going and then i would give him all the circumstances and see if he still wanted to go. gbf is one of my dearest friends. he would go above and beyond the call of duty to help me even if it meant sacrificing his own comfort. it all seemed like a very delicate operation at the time.
gbf wanted to go. i was relieved, but had to tell him the rest of the details and make sure he still wanted to make the trip and spend a few hours on his own. he was still on board, but commented that it was odd how the wedding was playing out. i agreed, but i was committed, so what could i do? besides bail on the whole thing, that is.
i was relieved to have that in place. gbf felt it would be good for him to get out before all the tests and treatments started. it was a good thing for both of us. or so i thought.
i had my outfit planned out. interesting side note: they sent out save the date cards. then the invitation. then they sent out a reminder card which reminded everyone to dress for a wedding. no jeans, shorts, or flip flops. do we need to be reminded of this? i tried a few things on and decided on something really nice-kind of spring like colors and some sassy heels. i lined up a friend to curl my very straight hair so i would have an actual hair do instead of my usual style.
i was thwarted at every turn.
while ironing my shirt, i burnt a hole in it, not knowing(because i didnt read the freaking label)that it had nylon in it. cute shirt ruined. it caused my physical pain to throw it in the trash. there was no way to save it.
needed plan b for an outfit. i felt my blood pressure rising. stress causes wrinkles. i had to calm down. i kept reminding myself to breathe deeply.
took the curlers out of my hair. i looked like a freaking poodle. reminded myself again to breathe deeply.
blood pressure started heading towards the normal range when i checked myself out in the mirror. my plan b outfit looked really nice.
dashed to the car, hoping no one would see my hair. grateful for tinted windows. my friend was a miracle worker and i left her house with gorgeous hair. my breathing was returning to normal, but not completely.
a short while before i left to get my hair done, gbf called me to let me know that he was "concerned" with how i asked him to go along on this trip. questioning why i didnt tell him up front that he couldnt come to the wedding. now, gbf and i go way back. there is a solid foundation of trust there. i was upset, but i explained myself(which i have never had to do before)and then he apologized for even questioning me. his behavior has been somewhat erratic since his diagnosis. understandable and i think completely normal, but i was on edge. slightly.
i consider just blowing off the wedding, but i get myself over to gbf's house and we hit the road. for the majority of the trip, he is acting very weird. he really isnt talking to me at all,but texting and emailing from his phone. its obvious the communications are upsetting him and when i ask him about it, he tells me how he is fielding all sorts of emails from some friends and family members telling him what to do regarding his treatment. he is feeling its necessary to defend himself and his treatment choices. when i gently(seriously. i was gentle and very diplomatic)suggested that he take a break from all the emails and texts for his own peace of mind-he practically bit my head off.
then he shifted his focus to telling me all the different ways that our trip was inconvenient for him. his dogs would be fed late. the cats schedule would be interrupted. he wouldnt be home when his husband got there. what the..?!?
this really isnt him and i realized that, but it sure made for a very uncomfortable few hours in the car with him.
when we arrived at the resort he seemed changed. he said he was glad to be there-asked to take my picture because he thought i looked so pretty. he went to wander and i went to the wedding.
the wedding. well, i quickly realized why they felt it necessary to remind their guests to wear appropriate attire. at the risk of sounding too judge-y WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE? is an un-tucked button down dress shirt screen printed with graphics really the way to go? how about a dress that is basically 2 and half feet of fabric that wont even cover the band on your strapless bra? the rules were followed. there were no flip flops or shorts-i did see one pair of jeans, but they were a very dark wash and he was wearing an appropriate shirt and coat.
the wedding itself had potential, but the bride really tried to work too much in. too many different songs as the various attendants walked down the aisle, too much quirky, metaphysical stuff. you could really see what she was shooting for, but it all fell a little short.
i got my seat assignment and found myself sitting at a half empty(i couldnt bring my +1?, really?)with the wives of the groomsmen and a lesbian couple. all of them were nice, but questioned me when i passed on the champagne and asked for sparkling cider. i always wonder what to do in those situations-i could lie and just say i dont want to drink and drive,joke about being an alcoholic(could be poor taste)or just find a way to explain the religious reasons without sounding preachy or self righteous. i just copped to being lds and was introduced to the jack mormon of the table. we had a brief religious discussion on free agency as she drank her tequila sunrise.
i was odd man out in more ways than one-both the bride and the groom are short-they come from short families. i was going to say "little people", but then i worried you might think they were actual dwarfs which is not the case and not the point of the story at all. everyone there was short. i had heels on. i towered over everyone-i saw the tops of everyones head. i got a few looks too. maybe they were appreciating the long legs, but it seemed more like "holy crap! she is tall." i normally dont mind that, heck, i am used to it, but i was bothered by everything at that point.
i have been single for a lot of years. engagements, weddings, and babies dont bother me. i dont get jealous. usually. sitting at that table with the lesbians and the jack mormon, i was lonely. i was mad that i drove with angry gbf. i wanted my boyfriend or husband to drive me and sit at the table with me. dance a few dances. maybe get a fancy room at the luxurious resort and have amazing hotel sex.
even i am getting bored with this story, but i have reached the point of no return. i will try to wrap it up... the food was good. the toasting portion ran on and on and on. nothing like moderately drunk people clumsily expressing their love for the happy couple. i was texting gbf to find out how he was doing. initially he said fine, but in a matter of 20 minutes he was mad because it was getting late(8pm, but we had a long drive)and i was still unable to break away. it was a small gathering. if the amazon at the back table stood up to leave-it would be noticed. finally all the "toasting" was over and i ran to the ladies room(long drive ahead)and on my way out i ran into the groom. he was bummed i was leaving so early, but when i explained, he insisted that he get his wife to say good bye. his wife who was doing the electric slide. it took her 10 minutes to get off the dance floor. tick tock. quick hugs and best wishes and i was out of there.
the ride home was much like the ride there, but not quite as intense. despite leaving later than planned, we made great time. gbf gave me a hug and said he was glad he went. i took him at his word, got in my car, and drove home.
the bad mood carried over to sunday. my post wedding curls were a mess, but i woke up late and didnt have time to wash my hair and blow dry it. i futzed with it until i threw it up in a clip in utter despair. it looked like crap and i had one wild curl that couldnt be tamed.
since i was late, i sat in the foyer. an old friend from another ward saw me and came to tell me about a facebook "issue" that was going on in our stake and our ward, namely our relief society presidency. someone anonymously turned in what they thought was a questionable picture to the stake president. i just couldnt believe it. the picture was nothing. the fact that it went as far as it did was ridiculous. i know some post lewd pictures on facebook, but our entire ward is "friends" on facebook. no one would do that. my eye is still twitching over that one. some people act like such assholes in the name of religious propriety. i hate it.
then came the news that a young sister in our ward was diagnosed with terminal cancer. the surgery was unsuccessful and she has 6 months to live. she bore her testimony right after the diagnosis and cried when she said she knew she would be ok because her patriarchal blessing states that she will be married and have children. now this. miracles happen. i am praying for a miracle for her. its so sad to me. it would be sad for anyone, but its just too much. too many people i know are getting cancer.
its time for it all to get better for a while.
i thank you if you were able to make it through all the ranting and poor writing. i just needed to purge all the emotions about how life has been sucking so bad lately.


  1. Cancer is tough, I lost my dad to complications from cancer when I was five or six.

    On a lighter not,I feel for you on the height thing. The awkward, stick-out-like-a-sore-thumb thing is why, after high school, I promised I'd never date a girl under 5'5". This realization came after I was set up by my friend with his cousin who was 5'1". I realized when we were standing in line for hot dogs at the baseball game that I couldn't look her in the eyes while we talked because I felt weird looking down on a non-child like that.

  2. sorry about your dad-my dad died of cancer a few years ago as well.

    i am so happy to hear that a tall man likes to date taller girls. not that 5'5" is tall, exactly, but its not short. it drives me crazy to see a really tall guy with a super short girl. insane!!

  3. I laughed at the part about the amazing hotel sex. Sounds like a bit of a rough go. I think I would have just canceled. But at least it is over. I have been on dates with girls that are 15 inches shorter than I am. It is really awkward. Especially when it is to a dance. It is basically physically impossible to dance with someone that much shorter than you. We tall people have it rougher than people think.

  4. most of the men i have dated(or been married to) have been right around my height. 2 were pretty tall-like 6'5" and i loved it!
    i had a really short guy ask me to dance at an institute dance when i was right out of high school. i could tell he was just daring me to say no. i danced with him, but it was really awkward-he literally had to tilt his head back to look at me.
    hotel sex can be awesome-you will see when you get married. adds a little adventure to it. remember that when your future wife needs a little r&r-whisk her away to a nice hotel for amazing sex! :)