me. its me. my best friends insist that its not and i want to believe them. they really know me. the good and the bad, but when it all boils down, the only thing that remains is me. is there something in me that chooses these men? they all seem to be very, very different, but the end result is the same. gbf insists that the world is full of assholes and finding a good person who is not certifiably insane is like finding the proverbial needle in the haystack.
there is some stuff going on in my life right now that is really rocking my world. its dragging up old hurts and feelings that i thought i had long resolved. its uncomfortable and i hate it. its ugly to me because it shows me the stuff i need to work on and resolve and its not fun.
a lot of things are changing and changing fast. all of it has a positive side. there is a silver lining and possibilities ahead, but. but.BUT...its all happening in a way that i am so uncomfortable with. i feel so out of my element and out of control of it. plus, there is the possibility that it will all be another disaster. did that sound negative?
its like i am being acted upon instead of acting, but whatever action i take is either complete useless and ineffective or just plain wrong.
i know that the 4.7 people who regularly read this post already know i am not perfect. i dont pretend to be perfect, but dont we all want to put our best foot forward? talking about all this stuff makes me feel like a total loser.
the common denominator is me. what am i doing wrong and what do i need to change
to create the life i want? i am not talking perfection here, just some more fun stuff. i really could use a vacation.
i realize(dont we all?)that life brings hard times. trails and tribulations happen to us all and while i would never deny the blessings in my life, i feel like i just recover from the latest trial, i am dusting myself off and facing the world again, and i get knocked down again. does everyone feel that way? it seems like i used to get a break, you know, coast for a little bit. sure, there are the everyday little trials. flat tire, fight with your brother, minor financial set back, but you get a rest from the big stuff for just a little bit.
you know those people who seem to have a black cloud over their head-where everything they touch turns to sh-(not gold) and you think they have to be doing something wrong. something just has to be up with them that all this crap is happening? thats me right now. i have to be doing something wrong. trying to figure it out so i can stop immediately. i feel horrible even saying that. i worry that i appear to be full of self pity-i dont think i am(i count my blessings everyday. there are a lot of them), but a lot has happened. big and bad stuff. lots of it. i look around and i wonder if its about the same as everyone else. not that you can compare trials, but dont we kind of compare how much we deal with? maybe its just me.