Sunday, February 15, 2009

sinking further

i dont think anyone could call me bitter. i have known some bitter people, i wouldnt count myself amongst them, but i feel it coming. even in my own family i am on the outside. my brother starts talking about a huge family event, like i know what he's talking about. when i ask a clarifying question he gets this "oh shit" look on his face. my sister pipes in "i told you!" which i reply "you did not".we come from a family of fakers. i usually go along with it;"oh yeah you did, i forgot, silly me", but not this time. it was huge and no one told me. i hate that. i have been on the bottom of the information totem pole in this family for a while. i hate it. i dont want them to change it because they think i am mad. i would really like to think that someone would remember to tell me this stuff. really important stuff. are you getting that its really important? man! i just want to be anyone but myself right now. forget that. i would like to cease to exist. that sounds so depressing, but its how i feel right now. not just for this incident-thats just the cherry on top-my whole life right now. i cant see my way clear and i hate that. i really have no one to share it with. everyone has their own problems. big problems that they have to deal with. sigh.


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