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phooey, blah, arggggh, and all those other gutteral type sounds we make to convey what we are feeling. i am missing mr ex man. i kind of want to reach out and call or text or something. been praying a lot about it. no stupor of thought, but no real direction either. i keep reminding myself of all the crap-forget that all the SHIT he pulled on me. it really got bad. i finally went his way on something he had been begging me to do for months. i put down my pride and i did it. i didnt meet in the middle, i went to him. he totally screwed it up and BLAMES ME. he said he could never give me the reassurance i needed. like i am a sucking vortex of neediness. the ONLY reassurance i needed was from the damage he caused. it mattered not to him that i would instantly forgive. i even said sorry first. i love him. i just wanted it to be right. i am thinking too much about it and it hate that. i want the chick flick romantic ending. he fights through the worst storm ever to get to me. begging my forgiveness, he offers a beautiful ring, shows me a current temple rec, and a letter signed by all his children that they support him in his happiness. ok. stop puking. i really did have a dream many months ago. i was coming out from the temple, walking down the steps and there he was. i walk toward him, not knowing what to say. he takes my hand, goes down on one knee, opens the jewelers box and says "will you please marry me?" inside the lid of the box is his temple rec. sigh. why wont a heart stop loving when its all over?

mothers day-THE WORST

i am sure many of the child-free, single women in the church are like me. hatin mothers day. i have to say that this year sacrament was devoid of the condescending talks about motherhood in "this life or in the next". i hate those things. none of that this year. what a relief. still....the day sucked. its never really good for me, but this year was worse. i am really struggling to count blessings when there is so much in my life that is truly lacking. even typing that seems blasphemous. i am blessed. walking on 2 feet. loving family. roof over my head. good ward. so many of the things i truly desire are missing. i am in a cage and i just dont know how to get out. i keep praying. i keep thinking i am finding ways, but then its me, all over again, hitting my head against a brick wall. i spent a lot of the day in bed.

how much rage can there possibly be?

mr nice guy emails me yesterday. its his m.o. he knows i am looking for work, so he sends me different posting from various employment sites. i was just so pissed off. i fired off the angriest email to him-telling him(again) to get on with his life and leave me alone. i am just so pissed off. i am the common denominator. what is it about me that attracts these nut jobs?!?!? i just cant take it anymore. i cant bear to pray about it. i was in the temple last week. felt a little peace there, but man! this is rough. i seriously give up.