Friday, May 22, 2009
phooey, blah, arggggh, and all those other gutteral type sounds we make to convey what we are feeling. i am missing mr ex man. i kind of want to reach out and call or text or something. been praying a lot about it. no stupor of thought, but no real direction either. i keep reminding myself of all the crap-forget that all the SHIT he pulled on me. it really got bad. i finally went his way on something he had been begging me to do for months. i put down my pride and i did it. i didnt meet in the middle, i went to him. he totally screwed it up and BLAMES ME. he said he could never give me the reassurance i needed. like i am a sucking vortex of neediness. the ONLY reassurance i needed was from the damage he caused. it mattered not to him that i would instantly forgive. i even said sorry first. i love him. i just wanted it to be right. i am thinking too much about it and it hate that. i want the chick flick romantic ending. he fights through the worst storm ever to get to me. begging my forgiveness, he offers a beautiful ring, shows me a current temple rec, and a letter signed by all his children that they support him in his happiness. ok. stop puking. i really did have a dream many months ago. i was coming out from the temple, walking down the steps and there he was. i walk toward him, not knowing what to say. he takes my hand, goes down on one knee, opens the jewelers box and says "will you please marry me?" inside the lid of the box is his temple rec. sigh. why wont a heart stop loving when its all over?