roller coaster

i was up a little bit yesterday, but lower than low today.
jenn van had commented over a month ago about how she turned things around by BELIEVING Heavenly Father, not just believing in him. i totally get what she means, but even though i get it, i am falling short.
i am a girl with a black cloud over her head. quotes from "the secret" are screaming in my head about the law of attraction and how by even saying that i have a black cloud, i am putting it "out there", thus attracting MORE black clouds.
a vicious cycle that i am not breaking free of today.
i am not sure how to BELIEVE anymore.
maybe the roller coaster will climb back up tomorrow and i will remember.

the sun does come up

the situation has not changed, but my perspective has. a little. i dont feel quite as dismal and things are a little clearer. even though there are plans and procedures in place, its going be a rough for a long time. i know so many people that are struggling in a myriad of ways,so why should i be any different?
i always intended this blog to be a fun, cleaned up, sex and the city type thing, but carrie and the girls arent real and neither are all their shenanigans.
real life is definitely interfering with any desire i have to have fun and attempt to be some sort of cute girl that any man might be interested in.
i want to run away. escape. never come back. ok, i do want to come back, but only after a long, long time and all of this stuff is resolved. all the work and effort i have put in so far made an impact and allowed others to step in and finish the race for me.
pure fantasy.

is it contagious?

i am thinking their might be something in the air or water or something. maybe a pandemic of sorts. click here.

she mentions vague comments and youtube videos. i am not sure if she is a reader of mine, but i do that. the details hurt too much and i cant bear to type them. some of them involve others and even though i am somewhat anonymous, it feels like a betrayal to tell their stories. even if it involves me.
sigh.

pessimism

my mom was a real pessimist. it really bothered me, but now i kind of get it. i know its not how we are supposed to think-rise above it, pray, have faith, yadda, yadda, yadda.
i find myself thinking(and sometimes saying)the things she used to say.
the state of the world and all that is going on.
all this GARBAGE is not cool, fun, or sexy in any way.
i hate real life.
WHY? WHY? WHY?
please rescue me and take me to hawaii for a month.






ps- i hate that i asked to be rescued-that i even feel that way in the slightest bit.
pps-for the record, i am going to keep praying and even thought i keep losing the mustard seed, i am going to try and find it, keep it and grow it. just right now, its harder than its ever been and just when i think it cant get harder, it does.
am i as job? not even close. should that be a comfort?

crawl in a hole

and die. seriously. its what i want to do. so much stress, so much out of my control. things i wish i could do, but out of my reach. literally. this isnt a "think positive and go get em!" moment. serious stuff with serious consequences that affects someone that i love so much.
we arent supposed to be afraid, right? i am. i am trying not to be, but i am. praying a lot and trying to figure out what can be done to protect them from devastation.
i hate to even talk about it here, but i just cant sit on it. i have to vent. i hate being scared. i hate being weak. i hate being unable to create the change i want to.
can someone please rescue me?

invention

The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

— Alan Kay

stomachache

i have one completely induced by anxiety that i am feeling for another person. my oldest friend, who i have been estranged from for about 5 years, just emailed me to tell me her husband is filing for divorce.
what makes me the saddest is that it doesnt surprise me. it was a train wreck from the beginning and it is mainly her fault. it doesnt feel good to say that-she has been my friend for longer than most of my followers have been alive.
she is a mess and has been for a long time. the reasons are not her fault, but the fact that she didnt do anything about it is.
i feel her pain. i know what its like to be left even though our situations and the reasons are so very different.
i emailed her back and asked her to call me. she was a huge comfort to me during my ugly divorce and i hope i can give a little of that back.