so high school

i am hip deep in the dumbest drama ever. mr jack mormon has drug 2 other women into a private conversation where i now have to defend myself and go on the offensive for damage control. i wish i could divulge all the details or at least have my wits about me enough to tell the story and protect the innocent. i am seriously worried about him spreading lies and rumors about me because he is angry about an absolute truth i told to a mutual friend. he then followed up with a big fat lie about us. i have always had a pretty solid "reputation", but i feel worried about him damaging it with lies. no one of importance would believe it, but i hate that i am even worrying about it. i should have never talked to him again, but i felt bad. he was trying so hard and i didnt think i should ignore him anymore. so dumb of me.

dilemma

too good for the bad boys and not good enough for the good boys.
this is my dilemma. the really good and faithful boys find my irreverence unsettling and when i wont put out for the bad boys the quickly grow bored and move on.
is there a happy medium man out there for me? someone who understands that i rarely curse, but when i do, doesnt judge? someone who gets that i can kiss passionately, but still say no when it comes to going any further?
every time i think i have found that person(mr nice guy, mr exman, and dick), something weird(and usually quite ugly) happens.
sigh.

miss you

i really do. i have stuff to write about, but no motivation at all.
i spoke with mr jack mormon. an old girlfriend of his is stalking me on fb because she remembers him talking to her about me. how crazy is that? this is the 2nd time this has happened to me in the last 6 months. i just think its weird and creepy.
cant remember if i told you guys about the motorcycle guy. but i have seen him a few times and despite the fact he told me he wasnt going to be dating for a while, he seems pretty interested. i was flirting with him pretty hard, just to exercise some feminine power over him. his that evil?
missing dick(nothing from the peanut gallery blain!)a lot. is the flirting a healthy distraction? i dont know. i think about him every day and wish like heck that he would come back. i am so out of my element here. when something is finished, i might mourn for a little bit, but done is done, right? i havent contacted him or anything, but this just doesnt feel done. now i am worried that i seem like one of those idiotic women who cant let go. technically, i have let go. i am not a stalker. i am dating and going to activities. flirting away. being flirted with. feels good.
i have been single for a long time. i am ready to connect and play house. anyone game?

balance

how do you balance being a nice person, but keep away the creepsters that hang out at the church dances?
i remember my mia maid adviser telling our class that we should never turn down a boy who asks you to dance. she explained that its difficult for boys to muster up the courage to ask and we should do our part to encourage them and help strengthen their egos.
ok. maybe that was good advice when i was 14, but now that i am in my 40's i need a new strategy.
any ideas? i dont want to offend or hurt anyones feelings nor do i want to be flung across the dance floor by some man who considers himself the swing king. i would prefer not to discuss his plans to build a perfect community (under his direction of course)or see huge scars bestowed by an unfortunate marriage of motorcycle meeting tree at a high speed.
is it too much to expect?

its not you, its me...

or is it: its not me, its you? just kidding.
my best friend swears i am wrong, but i think i just got a creative version of the "its not you, its me" speech from the guy who just asked me out. twice. yes, twice.
i dont want to totally dig this up and rake it over with a fine tooth comb, but, we went out, had fun(he said he did)and then told me(via fb im)that he was taking a break from dating. WHAT?! he gave some reasons that i dont know if i want to go into here. nothing critical of me, but...
i am not in love with this guy, but i had a nice time. what is wrong with him? what is wrong with me?
i am seeing how lame this post is, but i am going to publish it anyway and hopefully find the motivation to write more details and explain.
one last thing-sometimes i am crazy-i wasnt really feeling it for this guy, but i am mad that he told me he was taking a break from dating.

stalker?

i think mr jack mormon is stalking me. he keeps trying to friend me on facebook and he sends me these cute and witty emails. its hard not to reply to him because i have some snappy comebacks,but whats the point?
if we havent been out since last summer and i have ignored all his communication since then, why does he keep trying?

a date

it was a nice date with a nice man. there was easy conversation, but no spark, at least not on my part. he didnt seem particularly into me either, but he asked me out again. i said yes. is it wrong to date someone you dont think you have a future with?

drunk dialing

or something like unto it...
i have really been fighting the urge to call mr ex man. i am not exactly sure why, but it comes to me almost daily. i hate it. calling him would be of zero value. why do we do such things to ourselves? i havent done it and i really dont think i will, but i thought i would just put it out there to you guys. who had done the "drunk dialing"? i am sure you realize that i dont drink(being the good mormon girl that i am)so i am not literally getting drunk and then thinking of calling mr ex man.
so.......have you done it? drunk dial, that is. i dont want to know about your sex life. not now anyway.

may all your dreams come true...

i was watching oprah and tom hanks was giving his farewell tribute when he said something about how oprah changed things for women so that all their dreams can come true. i think that is a pretty accurate statement, but it got me to thinking about my dreams.
i know you might gather from all the whining and complaining i do here that i am a big whiny crybaby that complains all the time. i am not. really.
now that i have given that disclaimer, i am going to whine and complain.
despite the fact that i have been a loyal watcher of oprah for almost the entire time she has been on the air, my dreams have not come true.
my dreams were simple. some got my dreams by accident-not the least bit of effort at all, while i worked my ass off and got nothing.
did i pick the wrong dream? was it just not for me? i dont know. i picked other dreams, but those didnt go to well either. i really am not bitter, just confused. as usual, oprah got me to thinking. thinking about dreams.

not 1, but 2

dates. yep. i have been on the bench for a few months now, but quite unexpectedly i have 2 dates with one guy. not sure how i feel about it. i mean, i KNOW i need to get out and move on, but...i really dont want to. i want dick back. he is gone and i have to live my life. do i have to like it?
i havent cried in a while, but i cried today. not for a long time and i did not descend into the ugly cry, but i did cry. i miss dick a lot.
so.....moving on. i met this guy via a facebook friend. there is no pretense that this is "IT". its a date. he thinks i am pretty and we had a nice time talking. he seems "real" and has learned a lot through his divorce.
so i am doing it. i am off the bench, but not completely in the game. counts for something, doesnt it?

hey!

yesterday i had 55 followers and now i have 54. i am going to go searching for my lost follower. even Jesus went after the 1, right?
watch out 55, here i come!

abandonment issues? probably.

jealous

have i mentioned how much i love this band? i love the black crowes. i had a dream where i had a barefoot make out on a big bean bag chair with chris robinson(lead singer)in some hippy dippy book/record store. it was so real i could smell the marijuana smoke. in real life, i have a huge crush on the drummer. i think he is flippin adorable.

none of this has anything to do with anything except i want to talk about jealousy and i knew that my black crowes sang a song by that very title.

i generally do not have to deal much with the green eyed monster, yet i am finding myself jealous over everything, but mainly of those who are in committed relationships. it hits me at odd times like when one of my friends has to rush home to her family. i have always embraced my independence and the fact i dont have to check in with anyone. i now find myself longing for someone to check in with. someone to wonder where i am and why i am not at home.
i hate admitting it.

dirty dancing

dirty dancing is on abc family today. i saw this movie no less that 6 times at the movie theater the year it came out. i also saw the dirty dancing musical tour with eric carmen. all of this happened the year that i married msof and the soundtrack was constantly played on the radio. despite the exposure, msof was not a romantic man so i was surprised when he told me that this song reminded him of me.



while watching the movie today and the scene where johnny is leaving(after being accused of stealing the wallets)came up and the song started playing, it totally threw me back. i hadnt thought of msof "dedicating" that song to me in years.

msof bears a slight resemblance to patrick swayze. just saying. he cant dance like him(unless hes taken some lessons in the years since our divorce). just saying.