Saturday, November 20, 2010

the other woman

i shot out a quick post about me being the "other woman" and immediately deleted it. apparently a few of you saw it and asked me to explain.
even once i deleted it, i knew i would rewrite it-the original post was too short and too much to the point. seemed careless and crass.
its well documented that i have no problem being somewhat irreverent about most things others would consider pretty serious and off limits to sarcasm and jokes, but not this. i have made a few joke to myself and to dick(yes, THAT dick of tom, dick, and harry)about this and its pretty funny, but...
anyway-i guess i should explain.
as i mentioned in an earlier post dick is married. that is the irrefutable fact, but as with all fact it can be twisted and spun in such a way that can make you believe it doesnt matter. even when it does.
dick and i had been emailing and im'ing via the lds single website for a short period of time when i asked him how long his divorce had been final. when he typed in that is wasnt yet, my heart just sank. not because i was so in love with him or thought he was "the one", but it meant he lied. his profile clearly stated he was divorced.
we continued on with our conversation. we talked a lot about our marriages and his impending divorce.
his wife advised him of the affair she had been having for over a year and that she wanted a divorce late last year. he tried to keep his family together(4 kids)until early spring when she decided to take the kids, move 2 hours away, and move in with her boyfriend.
a few(and i mean a few)months after that i met him on the dating site. we have "hit it off" and talk a lot, but i laid some pretty strict and tough rules about our communication. some would consider it ridiculous, but i think its important to be careful for a couple of reasons.
1. i have never been in this position before. totally uncharted territory for me and its kind of nerve racking.
2. normal dating behavior would be considered sinful. holding hands or kissing(chastely)a married man when you are not his wife. no-no.
any one out there successfully deal with this type of scenario? i know of a distant uncle who met his current wife at church while he was still divorcing his first wife. they were sealed in the temple and have been married over 30 years.
dicks wife has moved over 2 hours away. papers have been signed. am i being too strict or am i doing the right thing? the "right thing" meaning no dating or dating behavior until the divorce is final. signed, sealed, and delivered. please tell me what you think.


  1. You are doing the right thing - the fact is, he is still married. I am in his position though my profile clearly states that I am in the process of getting a divorce and obviously cannot date until it is done. My ex has also moved out of state and has a long term (ironically married) girlfriend. He has been out of our lives for 16 months and though I feel single, I live as a single Mom, and I am very ready to move on, I know that I am not really single until the papers are finalized which in my case may be months yet! If this guy is a good LDS guy, he will be resepctful of your boundaries and should have the same boundaries already set for himself.

  2. Its just dangerous emotionally to be involved with anyone who is still married. I've seen it a number of times where someone is separated and then later gets back together with their spouse. Especially if they weren't the leaver in the relationship. To me, you are just playing with fire until the divorce is final, regardless of what you do because it is still with the intent of developing an intimate relationship.

  3. Oh the Drama. I seriously don't think this is such a big deal. It's adultery if you have sex with him (which I doubt is going to happen). An emotional affair may be wrong in the "spirit of the law" sense when there is a wife involved but not when she has moved out and he is merely waiting for a judge to issue a final decree of divorce. I say "Chill out." Don't have sex with him. But keep talking to him. I would say even going on a date or holding hands or kissing (gasp) is perfectly acceptable behavior at this point.

  4. I think you're doing the right thing by waiting. Until everything is final she is technically still his wife. What if they patch things up (even if that's unlikely) or what if they become intimate again (even if they still divorce - she's tech still his wife now so why not). Until it's final he's not an SA. It's a great time to be there for him, see his true, honest side, and become great friends though. Hopefully then, when he's "free" you'll be able to distinguish if the two of you are right or not. Good luck! Keep us posted.

  5. Don't second guess your standards. What I want to know is how did he allow her, the cheater, to take the children and involve them in an illicit living situation, especially, forcing her kids to live with a man who is not their father, or step father for that matter. That is just wrong.
    By the way, my last roommate started dating a guy I knew from my mom's ward when he was finalizing his divorce from his first wife. He had the bishop's blessing. Needless to say I wasn't very nice to him because I didn't think it was right for him to be doing that. I gave him a hard time. Once he explained that the bishop had given the Ok I changed my tune. They have been married now for 24 years, and doing very well. A side note is that he admits to knowing he should not have gone through with it the week of the wedding....guess he should have followed those promptings.

  6. I have to agree with Tripp. If everything is really taken care of and they're just waiting for the judge to make it official, then it's done. In one of my trademark quotes, "Countin' it!"

  7. thanks guys! i hear everything you say and ALL of it makes sense. right now, i am treading gently, praying a lot, and trying not too be too uptight. he is respectful and kind and is completely supportive of me(so far)and my standards. his standards seem to be matching so far as well. i am not the "bad guy" cracking down here. i have been thinking about talking to my bishop. he has an excellent relationship with his and communicates with him a lot. not sure if i want to seek out an "ok" from the bishop, but if this continues this way, it might be for the best to get his blessing or thumbs down.
    as far as the kids-they are older. one is already out of the house and the other chose to live with her mom. not having kids, i dont always understand these things. he has mentioned that once the divorce has been finalized he wants to seek custody because of his wife's poor example and weak mothering skills.