friends-not just no....HELL NO

i am so mad. mad at him. mad at myself. i am pretty sure i have mentioned the kid i dated a few years ago. way, way younger than me. a few dates and i knew even as cute and sweet as he was, it would never go any where. we just kind of fizzled out. no big deal. no broken hearts, no hysterics. we didnt really communicate much. maybe an occasional text or email. then he friended me on facebook. i was in it up to my eyeballs with mr ex man, so my attention was elsewhere. i did notice that his profile listed him as married(never gave me the heads up on that one),but it didnt matter. strange he didnt mention it, but whatever. about 3 weeks ago he calls me at 5 am. by time i got to the phone he had already left me this heartbreaking message about how he needed a friend. i call him back, knowing what he was going to tell me. his new wife(#3 and he's not even 30)had packed up and left him while he was at work. he tells me the very sad story and i think i know him well enough to say that he was truly a victim, but he loves her and wanted to do whatever he could to bring her back. i gave the best advice i could. suggested he pray, go to the temple, and just listened to him. sometimes 3-4 a day. cheered for him(and gave a good natured "i told you so")when she started speaking to him again and plans for her return were made. considering all of this, i was pretty surprised when he just dropped out. calls and texts stopped-he even stopped returning my texts. i was irritated,but figured he was concentrating on getting stuff together for her return and our "friendship" was morphing back to its previous state. while on facebook the other day, my spidey sense told me to see if he was still on my friends list. guess what! he wasnt. i was so pissed off. to me, this was a huge slap in the face. if he had called or text'd that he was paring down his friends list to make good with his wife, i would have understood completely. but bailing after the last month and to not even give me a heads up? not cool. i was going to send hinm a scathing email, decided against it, and just let it all go. 2 days later he is calling me to ask for my prayers for his wife who is driving long distance to get home to him. after i told him i would be happy to pray for them, i let him know exactly how i felt. he had the audacity to get mad at me! he attempted to make lame excuses for his behavior and when i wouldnt buy into them, hung up on me. he called about an hour later, but i wouldnt answer. his voice mail was all apologetic, but the damage is done. he was one of my few exceptions where friendship after dating seemed to have worked out. not any more. i am now stronger in my conviction that it just doesnt work and those who think it does are simply fooling themselves.

i am going to freakin loose my mind!

a good friend of mine(non member)was telling me about a woman she works with(member)whose husband emptied their bank account to get a flight out of town so he could go stay with his mommy. apparently he did not appreciate when she laid down the law forbidding pornography in their home and let him know she would no longer allow his rages towards her or their 4 children. what the hell is going on?!?! ok, i know whats going on. these are the last days and the advesary is working overtime, but COME ON. i am worn out from hearing these stories. they used to be rare and even then you were never sure if they were true(mormon urban myth),but now it seems like they are all true. when my brother was called into the bishopric of a newly formed ward he was told that when submitting names for callings to not ask questions if a name was rejected because there were eighteen elders being counseled for pornography addictions and working through the repentance process. that is just one ward and only the ones who were willing to admit and come forward regarding the issue. how many more are too ashamed or dont think its a problem? i have heard a lot of whining about the "natural man", how men are visual creatures, and once they have seen a naked woman, they simply cannot be held responsible for their actions. i cannot remember the last time i heard one of these stories where the man stood up and just claimed the fact he was acting selfishly and irresponsibly, begged for his wife's forgiveness and got down to the business of repenting and repairing his relationships. statistics show that men are not the only ones addicted to porn. i dont have any stories or personal knowledge of a woman being involved and destroying her family with pornography, but have personal knowledge of 2 women who up and left their husbands and their children. yep, the kids too. that stuns me more than the porn epidemic. i just mention it because i know that the crazy divorce rate does not fall at the feet of men only. women can be big jerks too.

random shallowness

i hate when grown men wear short sleeve dress shirts. even in the summertime. mr ex man wore them and got so pissed off at me when i told him that i loved him despite the fact he wore the dreaded short sleeve white shirt. it was truly a joke. i was blinded by my love for him and didnt even care. not even a tiny bit. there is something about a long sleeve dress shirt neatly buttoned at the wrist or even better- rolled up to expose strong forearms. sigh. i even like the colored shirts that are so popular with some of the guys now. some would say not to even think about entering the chapel without a white shirt and tie, but not me. unless you are passing the sacrament or participating in some other ordinance and then the white shirt and tie are required!

the hiatus

i never really announced "the hiatus". it wasnt a snap decision, it really just evolved from my utter frustration and disbelief at the dating tactics of the average mormon guy. i frequently regret my decision to start dating at all, but my date last night did not add to that regret and i cannot even express my relief. it was totally spontaneous and we had a good time. nice dinner and lively conversation. lots of laughter. i know most women would rank "sense of humor" in the top 3 things they are looking for in a man, but i am serious(no pun intended)about it! i need someone who can make me laugh. they dont have to be a stand up comedian, but they have to be able to let loose and be funny and allow themselves to be entertained as well. i think i will probably go out with this guy again, but there is zero possibility for an exclusive relationship.

breaking the hiatus

got asked out to dinner today. not sure if i want to break the hiatus,but i am letting him do the little asking out ritual.he's a nice guy and i am sure we would have fun, just dont know if i am willing to play nice for a whole evening.

my weakness

what is it about blue collar guys? construction workers, mechanics, you name it and my heart just does little leaps. i am visiting family in another state and ended up at the local college today. basically a bunch of freshmen running around trying to find their way around, but then i noticed this MAN. i swear i have some sort of radar for this type of guy. he was probably in his mid to late 20's, about 5'11", brown hair cut short and a well groomed goatee. he was wearing those dark blue pants with the lighter blue shirt that has the oval patch with his name embroidered on it.he sat down in a chair and slid down in the most casual way, extending his leg out. he was wearing those black work boots that just look so GOOD. i have dated a few of the white collar, pencil pusher types, but my weakeness is the blue collar guy. i suppose freud would have a blast analyzing it, but i am not going to worry about it and just enjoy the view.

mr soldier of fortune aka my ex husband

i consider it a great accomplishment to look back on my marriage, remember the good stuff, look back fondly on a few things, and share them here. then i will rip him to shreds. kidding. kind of.
before he was mr soldier of fortune, he was a kid i knew in my neighborhood. we never really dated, but there was this innocent little fling(we never even kissed) the summer before my freshman year of high school that included trips to the pool and holding hands under the water so no one could see that we LIKED each other. i was so shy and inexperienced with this stuff that it never went anywhere. we were friendly in school, but never hung out. he ran with the rowdy boys and i stuck with my menagerie of friends. he seemed really irritated when i started dating tgws. asking me what i was doing with him and giving tgws major attitude.early in my relationship with tgws, we went to a school dance. at one point he excused himself to go to the mens room and out of nowhere msof appeared and asked me to dance. i was on the dance floor with him(dancing to this song) when tgws got back.he was not happy. i brushed it off as a friend thing, but i knew msof did it to piss him off and i let him. one of his favorite things to irritate tgws was to compliment my butt when i wore levi's 501's. man, he hated that. tgws graduated when i was going into my junior year and for some reason, i saw a lot more of msof. it was mainly in passing and he would usually make some sort of smart ass comment after which i would playfully slap or punch him. one time i must have hit him a little too hard because he yelled, "take it easy!" to which i replied, "you know you love me". what he followed up with really caught be off guard, "you are living in the past". living in the past?! was he saying he loved me at one time? he never told me, how would i know? i didnt dwell on it for long, but it never left me. it probably one of the reasons i went out with him 3 years later when he showed up on my doorstep with his military haircut and asked me to come with him.