(not so)subtle hints

i am all about tying up loose ends.i dont like to leave things unsaid or undone. especially when ending a relationship; it just leaves doors ajar waiting to be opened. i want doors and windows shut tight. we are done. GO AWAY. so my 'friend' who used me for almost a month for advice and emotional support texts me yesterday. "are you dont being pissed off at me?" uh. no. oh sure, i will do the Christ-like thing and forgive him and move on. his friendship was in no way pivitol in my life and that is part of the reason i am mad that i involved myself in the way i did. it was stupid. the way he handled things was insulting and unkind. totally thoughtless.immature. yes, i am done being pissed off, i said everything that i needed to say, but i am also done being your friend.

single girl mascot

there is a couple in my ward who throws an awesome halloween party every year. i have seen the pictures and heard the stories and objectively, they are awesome parties. i get invited, but have never gone. there have been times i just didnt feel like being social and other times that i had scheduling conflicts. this year, when i got the evite something stood out to me that i never noticed before. i am the lone single person invited to this party. i am sure it was the same for previous years, but i never noticed or paid attention until now. it was weird scanning down the list of invitees and seeing couple after couple and standing out was my name. all by itself. i could go by myself and be fine. its not that. i know all these people and have fun with them. i could take a date, but that could seriously backfire on me. mormons like to match everyone up and marry them off as soon as possible and showing up with a date could make me fair game for that kind of craziness. i know the last time i brought a date to church was a nightmare. the questions. the goofy grins. everything short of a wink and a gentle elbow to the ribs. i hate that and being at a party removes all the propriety that being at church provides. mmmmmm what to do?

how rumors get started

did you know that amy winehouse is a member of the church? the missionaries found her, taught her the discussions,cleaned her act up, she got baptized, and she was at my stake conference today! check out famous mormons to see the whole story. ok ok! i am totally yanking your chain, but there was a girl at stake conference today who looked exactly like amy winehouse, but cleaned up and with a sweet spirit. the hair and make up were totally toned down, but still reminiscent of the real, non lds amy winehouse.

body language

i love to people watch. i think its particularly interesting to watch people during church. especially couples. its stake conference time, so i went to the adult session last night. i got there pretty early so i got to watch a lot of people. nothing too exciting, just your average stake conference where 75% of the congregation shows up according to mormon standard time .
an old friend showed up and sat next to me so we got to catch up and good naturedly mock old friends from our past, distracting me from my people watching for a little bit. the conference was good, but not fantastic,so i found my eyes wandering around until they found something interesting to settle on. just a few rows in front of me i see this woman practically sitting on the edge of her seat, with her arms folded, and looking supremely uncomfortable. i am wondering what is going on with her-is she in pain? need to run to the ladies room? then i notice that someone has their arm around her. a very nice forearm nicely dressed in a long sleeve, white shirt. he was gently rubbing her arm in a very nice way, but she was having none of it. normally when a guy you like(or love)is sitting next to you and he has his arm around you, you lean IN, not scoot your skinny little butt to the end of the chair. i watched this on and off for the rest of the adult session. she got up twice(where did she go, what did she do?)and left the chapel, only to return a few minutes later. the last time she came back, she had her arms crossed, rubbing her upper arms like she was cold. i tried to telepathically send her a message: "honey! the cute guy with the nice forearms next to you will keep you warm! thaw out a bit and lean into him." my powers are weak or she was blocking me. the message never got through. i saw them today at the regular session. 4 little kids sitting between them, him still looking at her like he is trying to get through and do whatever he can to make her happy and her still looking pretty irritated and unwilling to be pleased. sigh. who knows? maybe he is a big jerk and likes to make nice at church and she is sick of the facade. maybe being a young family with so many little kids is weighing heavy on them and they are doing the best they can. i just think she should lean in....

funny thing happened today

i woke up thinking of my ex husband, mr soldier of fortune. i dont think of him all that much anymore which is a very good thing. lately, any thoughts of him are brought on by questions or comments from others that knew me when i was married and go something like this: "remember that time when mr soldier of fortune was acting like a complete a-hole and...." everyone has a mr soldier of fortune story and it can be fun to relive them, but the thing that amazes me is how painfully aware my friends and family were of what a jerk he was. i thought i successfully hid a lot of it, but i was fooling myself. when i finally invited him to leave our home and our marriage(kicked his a-hole self out), there was a rousing cheer from my camp. everyone came forward with their stories and heart felt relief that i was finally out. when i asked why they never said anything, all of the pretty much told me that i was married to him, seemed to love him, so why make my life more difficult with their complaints? my friends and family love me and they supported me even through the craziness. our anniversary is coming up. for many years it has slipped by without me noticing until days later. not this year. it occurred to me this morning that i have been divorced longer than i was married. seems weird-like it happened to someone else and i just know the story, but the story is mine and it did happen to me. i once heard a quote that went something like "the opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference". i have been there for a long time with him and it is such a relief to think of him and not be angry or heartbroken or full of that hatred that can come with an ugly divorce. true indifference. his impact on me has diminished to nothing but stories from faded memories.

lloyd and jim

i love lloyd and jim. i'd take either one of them in a heart beat.
in many ways lloyd dobler from say anything and jim halpert from the office are the same guy. kind and thoughtful men who would do anything for the girl they loved. all man, but not macho. my long love affair with john cusack began with say anything and continues to this day. i have seen him in interviews and he certainly comes across as a genuine and funny guy, but i would never want to meet him in person and risk the image being shattered. jim loved pam for years before they got together. he was her friend and made her laugh every single day. i chatted with someone from one of the lds dating sites who said he was looking for his "pam". my question was: are you a "jim"? i think what brought out some of the best in pam was how jim saw who she truly was, how wonderful she was, and only wanted the best for her. now they are having a baby and getting married. i am sure lloyd and diane are still in london living an amazing life. maybe we could get cameron crowe(another nice and nerdy guy who got the cool chick in the end. in real life,no less!)to do a sequel and show them in their middle age. i think they would still be happy, still in love, and making it all work. i like happy endings. working on my own.

yes!

the super smart girl at why i'm still single really summed up some stuff i had been thinking in little fragments,but she pulled it all together and wrote something approaching profound and presented it beautifully. READ IT!!! :)