mr nice guy

soooooooo. after about 6 weeks of not hearing from mr nice guy he calls me yesterday. sigh. he is so nice. he is sweet. he is trapped by a life he will not make a move to escape from. i know he loves me. i for sure loved him. once. it just fires up such anger in me. he and i had made plans to be married. he was really wanting to do it fast, but then all the details of his crazy life came into focus. then i wasted more than a year listening to his promises of change. nothing ever changed. nothing ever happened. its embarassing. i get so pissed off. just when i am settling down and facing life again. he calls. he loves me. he wants to be with me, BUT HE DOES NOTHING. i know if he pulled his head out he would be a very loving and kind husband. he would do anything for me, but he wont break the chains that bind him now. as i typed that, it sounds like he is married or something. hes not married. no infidelity. i might have to blog about it later. his life is insane. even if he did break away, i doubt he could ever be normal.

tears are falling

wonder if anyone will catch the 80's hair metal reference in this post's title? probably the one faint glimmer of humor that i am feeling.
the silliest things are making me cry. reading a book. watching john and kate plus 8.http://tlc.discovery.com/tv/jon-and-kate/jon-and-kate.html i am just so sad. i have decided to do the 90 day dating detox that the Millionare Matchmaker recommends http://www.bravotv.com/the-millionaire-matchmaker. its been about a month so far and i am not realizing how used i got to either mr ex man or mr nice guy calling me after a few weeks of silence. i really dont think i will hear from mr ex man again. i will probably post more on that later, but for now, that will suffice. i really told mr nice guy to go away. i have told him before and it never sticks, but he has now gone longer than he ever has before, so i am on my own. i am sure i could do the co-dependant thing and call either one of them. engage mr ex man in an argument or get mr nice guy to come running. so far i havent done either. if you want something different, you have to do something different, right? it just stinks. i get now why people run into the arms and/or bed of the next closest person. makes you forget. makes you feel wanted and loved. even for a second. still not doing it. just get it now.

why does it work this way?

a man that i briefly dated came to church today. i met him on ldsmingle.com nice guy. a little boring, but you never know if that is just nerves or what. we went on a few dates. he is truly boring. a nice man. sweet as can be, but just not my cup of tea. he is a transplant from a far away place and living in a neighboring small town that is even smaller than the town i live in. so small that he is still in the same ward with his ex wife. he's a convert, so i introduced him to the concept of having his records moved to a new ward. well, he picked mine. he works a crazy schedule so he literally goes months without coming to church. like i said, he showed up today. i feel bad because he has timidly put it out there that he would like to go out again. i definitely do not want to go out with him. the man i want cant get it together to be with me and someone i have no interest in would probably do a lot in order to be with me. sometimes i wonder if HF is teaching me a lesson-like go for the boring guy. arent we supposed to get our hearts desire? he has 2 kids and he loves them, but he is very apathetic about what goes on in their lives. he is just very vanilla. not that i am all crazy and exotic, but he's the guy who is content to sit on a lake all day with a rod and reel and do nothing. he is not a talker. at all. it doesnt seem like he really has a testimony. i need a man with a bit of a testimony. i dont want to be dragging someone along. i am rambling. again. just want to be with mr ex man.i was in a meeting and while doing a group scripture study i came across a scripture i had highlighted, wrote the date, and wrote mr ex mans initials. it made me so sad seeing it there. when i did it, i was certain we would be married. praying to get over it. he was cruel and insensitive. why would i want a man like that? the promises in the beginning. ones he actually delivered on. it wasnt all smoke and mirrors. i read this article:
http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/sex/he-likes-me-doesnt-he-446147
mr ex man met all those points. for a short time. i miss what we were. i want it back, but its been gone for so long. for much longer than it was there. just wish i knew if i screwed up the confirmation or if his free agency trumped it all.

new title sucks!!!

i logged in today and saw my new title and it instantly irritated me. it sounds pious. maybe a little self righteous. i am neither of those things,but the thing that irritates me the most is that by just reading it makes me feel like i am being judged. there is an under current amongst the sa mormon world that tells us if you are keeping the law of chastity then you must be wholly unattractive. fat. ugly.crazy. so crazy that no man would want you anyway. amongst a people who are supposed to be following this important doctrine. i am not judging anyone who chooses to have sex outside of marriage, just wonder why its so rare with our people.

unintentional plagerism

a very nice lawyer stumbled upon my blog and took the time to tell me there is another "no sex in the city" blog from a lds girl living in manhattan. she totally deserves the title sex in the city. i live no where near manhattan. before i started all this i did a few casual searches and never found her blog. blah. i changed mine up, but i am going to have to find something jazzier. definately a boring blog title.

conference kick in the ass

our rs president has been driving home something President Monson said in the final session of conference. "your future is as bright as your faith". normally, this is the type of thing that would inspire me. really inspire me. just made me feel more angry. my faith isnt bright, but its making me think. putting the responsibility back on me. its rare, but this is a time that i am playing the victim. i dont want to be responsible for my broken heart. my circumstances. i can honestly say that nothing is a direct result of my own bad choices or bitter heart, but right now, i am not taking control. i dont feel empowered in the slightes. i want to be rescued. i hate that i am even saying it, but its true. spent a life time rescuing myself. want my knight to gallop up and save me. sigh.

will this end?!?!

church was difficult today. i have no particular connection to easter. no bad memories or anything like that. it was just difficult. sat in the very back. i never do that. i didnt enjoy the talks. my favorite teacher in rs lesson did nothing for me. i felt guilty about that. i am pissed off and feeling sorry for myself. a girl in the ward approached me about going with her to some sa activities. i feel like i should go, do some sort of socializing, but i am just in no mood. blah. i need to think of something else to write about. my intention of a witty and cool look into my experience as a single mormon has just faded away. want to get it back.