Thursday, July 16, 2009


i think i have break-up post traumatic stress disorder. i was standing at the stove scrambling some eggs, when i was transported back in time to a moment when i was making eggs for mr ex man. i normally scramble, but he wanted over-easy. when i explained i had very little experience frying eggs, but i would be happy to try for him, he got up and joined me at the stove. he was standing right behind me, leaning over my shoulder, giving me the sweetest directions for the perfect over easy egg. guess what? they were perfect. delicious and kind of sweet since i made them for him. when i was forced back into the present, shattering the moment and the memory, my heart broke again-just a little. it was a small thing-a mere moment in our brief time together, but it meant something to me. at the time it meant something to him. he explained how his ex wife didnt do things like that for him and he appreciated how i spoiled him(i loved him, so easy to spoil)and how i was willing to take direction from him in such a loving way. sigh. the other flashback was a few months ago. i was walking down the stairs(do it 500 times a day, it seems)and again, i was transported back in time when he was walking down ahead of me and paused. i stopped on the step right above his, wrapped my arms around him and kissed his neck. as i started to pull away, he took both of my hands in his, leaned back into me and said "i dont want to ever leave you". my heart was so full it was overflowing and i simply said back "i dont want you leave. ever." but of course he did have to leave. get back to his life and to the promise to prepare a space for me in that life, but that is a whole other story that breaks my heart.

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