Wednesday, July 29, 2009

the big sex fake-out

in one of my intellectual conversations on human sexuality with mr joe schmoe i made a point that i was quite proud of. when i presented it to him, i could tell he hadnt really thought about it from my devils advocate point of view. he was basically telling me that sex is so critical in a relationship that any couple would be doing themselves and their relationship a disservice if the didnt engage in premarital sex. there are things you need to know that can only be discovered by indulging in hot sweaty sex and if you dont like what you get.....well SEE YA! i could go on about that, but i will save it for another post. what i asked him was this: if you KNEW that you would be completely satisfied in the sexual relationship with your girlfriend(soon to be fiance, then wife), quanity and quality would all be met, would you be willing to wait until marriage to have it? he replied that he would, but continued to say there is no way to KNOW without actually doing IT. this is when i asked him about the big sex fake-out. he didnt have a clue to what i was talking about. i asked him how he would feel if the hot, practically a nympho, girlfriend turned into a frigid prude after rings were exchanged. i went on to explain how some women will do the hot, crazy, frequent sex to catch you,but after you are caught, she turns into someone who doesnt care that much for or about sex. which is worse? to me, the fake out is a lie and is much worse. classic bait and switch. i remember watching an early dr phil and the topic was about wives who didnt want to have sex. i remember one couple where the wife was just saying she was busy, she was tired and she just didnt want to deal. birthday and anniversary sex was all she willing to give. the husband was confused. angry. he went on to talk about their wild and crazy courtship where anything went and it happened a lot. you could tell he was embarrassed,but he had to talk about the fact that when they were dating she LOVED to give bj's and now that they were married, she simply refused. she blurted out:"i always hated bj's! i just did it to get you!" FAKEOUT. i know she spoke without thinking. you could tell she was embarassed , but it was the reality. it pisses me off. one man i met on told me his sad story about coming home from his mission, meeting his wife, moving in together, having sex constantly for a year, got married, and then the sex all but stopped. 3 kids and a bitter divorce later(he got addicted to porn since his wife shut him out)he is struggling to get back into good standing with the church and find a new wife. i only heard his side of the story, but i heard several similar ones from different men. sex is not the answer. especially when you are asking the wrong questions.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

first love nearly dies

i fell in love for the first time when i was 15 years old. i first saw him walking to school along the same path that my friends and i walked every day. he caught my eye because he was so tall and looked really cool in his aviator sunglasses. the fact that he wore bell bottom carpenter pants did little to distract me from the fact this guy was at least 6 inches taller than me. you can always take a guy shopping and fix the wardrobe, but little can remedy a too-short guy when you tower above him. we did the silly thing-stealing glances at each other as we walked in the same direction on opposite sides of the street and turning quickly away when the other caught us looking. after a few weeks we would say hi to each other and i would giggle and blush with my friends. Then I met a new girl at school, she hung out with us at lunch and we were becoming friends when i found out she was the little sister of mr. tall guy with sunglasses. she introduced us and that was it. i was just shy of my 15th birthday and he was almost 17 and we were in love. we were together on an off for 5 years. we went to his homecoming and senior prom-he was my first official date when i turned 16. my first kiss. i cant speak for mr. tgws(i could and i think i would be right,but i wont.), but i have to say i loved him. not silly, 1st time puppy love. i LOVED him. heres our song. 20+ years later, looking back with my experienced, more mature eyes, i loved him. our break up was ugly. it was his fault, but his drug haze prevented him from seeing that clearly. he did horrible things-one of the most notorious was being photographed snorting cocaine off a framed picture he had of me. nice, eh? i wanted to be married in the temple and have babies. this guy wasnt going there with me, so i broke up with him. married mr soldier of fortune(more on him later) about a year later and never spoke to mr tgws again. fast forward about 20 years and he emails me out of the blue. we catch up and are able to actually talk to each other without attempting homocide. it was fun and i think we both considered the possibility of lighting the old flame, but we were worlds apart. me in the rs presidency planning super saturday and him showing off his devil clown tattoos and waist length black hair, now streaked with grey. we settled into emailing every few months and maybe talking 2 or 3 times a year, but then i got an email from his little brother telling me that mr tgws was rushed to the hospital and was in a coma! apparently he was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes and did nothing as far as diet and medication. his mother found him non responsive and called 911. he could have died. if she hadnt found him, he would have died. it is the strangest thing when the boy you loved first is thrown into this kind of crises. its like he is still the strong, handsome, athletic boy-frozen in my mind as he was. now he is attached to a dialysis machine and hoping that his body will heal so he can live some semblence of a normal life.

electrician rm

a little background:growing up, the boys in my ward were jerks. i know that sounds harsh, but its true. when people talk about dating guys in their wards, it makes me cringe. it was that bad. i lived in a small town, so not dating the guys(not that they ever asked)in my ward meant i didnt date lds boys. it really didnt bother me; my first boyfriend was tall and super cool(until he got involved in the drugs introduced by the guys in my ward)and i never felt lacking because some future missionary wasnt courting me, hoping i would "wait" for him.i also rejected that special form of peer pressure that seemed to be introduced about that time: "i will only marry a rm". man i hated that. during one of the many breakups with tall guy with sunglasses, i went to an institute dance with my bff and met electrician rm. he was different than any other boy i had met. he wasnt someone that i would normally be attracted to, but he was cute and when he asked me to dance, i said yes. we danced all night long and i had the best time. my bff danced with his buddy and they took us out for frozen yogurt after. and when he asked me out again-i immediately said yes. erm would call on wed for a date on saturday. he always had something nice planned. part of the reason he seemed so different was the fact he was 26 years old to my mere 17 years. he was a man. not a boy. no wonder he seemed "different". he had been a little bit of a wild child, but got his act together and served his mission late. whenever he would bring me home, he would turn down my street and drive really slooooooowly. drawing out our time together. he always walked me to the door and we would hug. i think the age difference intimidated me because i was too scared to kiss him. i would run in the house before he had a chance. bff would call me every time we went out-"did you let him kiss you?" she did nothing to hide the disappointment when i would tell her no. i dated erm off and on for a few years. he was pretty honest about difficulties with his ex girlfriend. we ran into her at a dance one time. i had never met her, but i could tell by the look on her face she was not pleased to see him come in with me. i could tell he felt bad, he didnt expect her there and he was quite relieved when i told him to go say hi and ask her to dance. it wasnt unusual for us to go weeks without talking or seeing each other, but i was a little surprised when i heard him and that girl got married. his friend stopped by to tell me. i guess erm asked him to. a gentleman to the end. a good experience all around.

mormon bachelor pad

oh my gosh! i love this blog! i have to admit, they found me first, so i clicked to check them out. they are smart and funny and seem to be pretty cool guys. calvin actually reminds me of 1 of the few(i think there were 2)rm's i dated. just reading their stuff has given me ideas of a few things i would like to post. they are inspiring!!! i especially love his comment about how he had decided to marry the first girl who scratches his back in sacrament without him having to ask. makes me smile just thinking of it. i am trying to think of a witty nickname to give rm #1 so i can tell the whole story. seriously, check these guys out. even if you arent lds, its good stuff and gives you an interesting peek into our peculiar world.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

alone(kind of)at a funeral

i attended a funeral of a tiny baby that lived only a few hours. her family is in my ward and i dont know them well at all, but i traveled the 2 hours with the other members of the rs presidency and our bishopric to support this family. i dont have much experience with funerals. i always feel like i am going to make the worst social faux pas in history. i almost tried to make my regrets and not go,but it seemed important. i am so glad i went. it was the sweetest funeral. the family is holding up well, their testimonies in tact. no matter how strong your testimony, death can certainly shake you. especially when it is a baby that is lost and this family had lost 2 babies in less than a year. the funeral was outside, at sunset in a beautiful rural area. both of the parents spoke, the father going first. you could feel his heart breaking, his wife leaning on him, her arm through his. then the mother spoke. as her composure slipped away, her husband gently put his arm around her and drew her close to him. she continued to speak and her words were lovely, but the image of them physically and emotionally leaning on each other is what struck me. i looked around at the people gathered there-lingering on the people i had arrived with. there were 4 couples, all married for 10 or more years all standing at different distances in front of me. the husbands all had their arms around their wives, holding them close, maybe silently counting their blessing for their healthy children and being spared this particular trial. things like this make my heart ache for true love. to stand with me at the trials of life and hold my hand. draw me close and protect me. allow that tenderness to seep through and allow themselves to be comforted. these are the times when any facade of the tough single chick who doesnt need or even want a man, simply crumbles at my feet.

Thursday, July 16, 2009


i think i have break-up post traumatic stress disorder. i was standing at the stove scrambling some eggs, when i was transported back in time to a moment when i was making eggs for mr ex man. i normally scramble, but he wanted over-easy. when i explained i had very little experience frying eggs, but i would be happy to try for him, he got up and joined me at the stove. he was standing right behind me, leaning over my shoulder, giving me the sweetest directions for the perfect over easy egg. guess what? they were perfect. delicious and kind of sweet since i made them for him. when i was forced back into the present, shattering the moment and the memory, my heart broke again-just a little. it was a small thing-a mere moment in our brief time together, but it meant something to me. at the time it meant something to him. he explained how his ex wife didnt do things like that for him and he appreciated how i spoiled him(i loved him, so easy to spoil)and how i was willing to take direction from him in such a loving way. sigh. the other flashback was a few months ago. i was walking down the stairs(do it 500 times a day, it seems)and again, i was transported back in time when he was walking down ahead of me and paused. i stopped on the step right above his, wrapped my arms around him and kissed his neck. as i started to pull away, he took both of my hands in his, leaned back into me and said "i dont want to ever leave you". my heart was so full it was overflowing and i simply said back "i dont want you leave. ever." but of course he did have to leave. get back to his life and to the promise to prepare a space for me in that life, but that is a whole other story that breaks my heart.

Friday, July 10, 2009

commentary on actual dates

i went through the sonic drive thu today to get my 1st root beer float of the season which made me think of a date i had a while back with a guy i met on an i had been on the site a few months and was getting a little worn out from all the b.s(does that count as profanity?i am saying no and leaving it!)and thinking of just bailing on the whole thing when an im popped up simply saying "hi". We had a nice chat. He was a gentleman without being a dork, funny, and smart. he asked for my email and since i gave it to him(shocking, isnt it?)i got an email from him the next day. he sent it from his own email account, so it showed his name-and it seemed familiar to me. strangely familiar. we emailed back and forth a few times before it hit me that i had gone to school with this guy! he was a year behind me in a big high school. i knew who he was, but never socialized with him. when i emailed him back i asked if he was the same joe schmoe that went to anytown high school. he was! he was a shocked as i was and i never thought he would remember who i was, but he did. it was a fun start. we emailed for a bit and he started asking me out. i wasnt hesitant, but we had a hard time coordinating schedules. he had two daughters that he has full custody of that he had to wrangle around. we finally set it up to go get ice cream(i think it was november, but who cares?). we met in a bank parking lot(he thought it would be safer to leave my car there)and i hopped into his car. the conversation came easy. he is really funny without trying too hard and we had a lot of parallel experiences from our youth to refer to. we had not decided where to go for ice cream and the choices were slim in my neck of the woods. we ended up driving to a town about 30 miles away to get root beer floats at sonic. the town is small and sonic is considered fine dining. the only other thing this town can claim is the fact it hosts probably 4 or 5 different prisons. we hit the drive through and just drove around from prison to prison talking. joking about the fact we were cruising prison parking lots drinking root beer floats. it was a nice date. we talked a lot and i think we hit it off. i worried about the fact that he told me that he thought the church needed to relax the law of chastity for divorced members. we had a pretty intellectual conversation about it, but it worried me. i am glad he was up front about it, but where do you go from there? he is pretty much telling me that he expects sex before marriage on the first date! he has a right to get what he wants, but i just wasnt going to be the girl to give it to him. its difficult to describe the feeling that situation brings to me. here is a nice guy. i know he likes me. its obvious that we are hitting it off, but right out of the gate, we arent compatible because i will always be defending my choice of abstinence and he will alway be promoting his agenda of a healthy sexual relationship between two consenting adults. then me feeling like he is thinking i dont like sex, dont want sex, and religious inspired abstinence is my get out of sex free card. telling a guy on the first date that you cant wait to get married and get your freak on doesnt seem all that prudent. i hate trying to defend my desired for a righteous and healthy sexual relationship with the man i marry. convincing someone that they wont be left wanting doesnt seem very lady like. sigh.

Sunday, July 5, 2009

lds dating sites WHAT THE HECK?!?!

the following post will be also posted on -a very cool site with some very insightful ideas on mormon culture. check it out!

i was sooooooooooooooooo naive. i actually thought i would find my personal peter priesthood on one of those sites. what a joke. i feel compelled to give the following disclaimer: i am not, nor do i claim to be anything close to perfect. i am no molly. i cant carry a tune or play the piano. prairie skirts and fluffy bangs look horrible on me(i know, i am dating myself). but seriously, i am a cool chick and i made a commitment before i even started dating at 16 to keep the law of chastity. after my divorce, i committed myself again to following the law of chastity. it wasnt easy. those feelings and desires just dont go away when you sign the divorce papers. i was married to a non member and when i started thinking about dating again, i figured i would date both members and non. my first "relationship" was with a non member. i was crazy for this guy and he was crazy for me, but he just could not wrap is mind around 2 adults being in love and not having sex. it was difficult to explain. i had been sexually active and now i was just going to stop? was i insane? frigid? a little of both? when i broke up with that guy, i decided that i would date only members. even if they didnt follow the law of chastity themselves, they would get why i did. right? WRONG! after i signed up and logged on, it was like i was the belle of the ball. it was a huge ego boost, but what i soon realized is that it had very little to do with me. i was simply fresh meat and the sharks were circling. after the frenzy died down there were 2 or 3 men that i continued to im and email, but where it got interesting is about every week or so i would get a new "hit". someone would just pop in with an im and start flirting with me. hard. when i would look at their profiles i would find that the majority of these guys were KIDS. i mean KIDS. age range from 21(hello horny rm)to 26. this really surprised me-i was so out of their age bracket. i even asked them, "did you notice my age?" and got responses along the lines of "older chicks are cool!" what i quickly learned is the reason older chicks are "cool" is because many of us are divorced which means we were previously sexually active, and quite possibly more open to being sexually active now and teaching a few things to the youngsters. one of the kids actually told me "everything, but..." was ok and you would be worthy to keep your temple recommend. what?! one young man was looking for a more geographically convenient hookup. there was one girl he had been "seeing" on the other side of town and he was talking to me because i lived in his area.
are you feeling all warm and fuzzy? a few tears coming to your eyes? i met a lot of men on those sites. some nice. of all the men i met, i am still on friendly terms with two. my conclusion is, for the most part, that the lds dating sites are cyber singles bars where men(women too, i am sure)can easily hide the big ole skeletons in their closet behind pretending to be a faithful(notice i didnt say perfect)member of the church.

miracles and fasting

i am hoping my fast will bring about some miracles, but the obvious miracle today had nothing to do with my empty, growling tummy. mr boring, but nice was in church again today with his new girlfriend. i was jealous. not in the way you are thinking. not jealous of her, wanting him. jealous of them. they were a few pews up, so i had a clear view of them leaning into each other, her scratching and rubbing his back. sigh. i want that. i really do. to have someone to sit with me in church. who wants to be there. i got a chance to talk to her after rs today. she is so nice, so sweet and i can tell she really likes him. we all deserve that. she also told me that he speaks highly of me and really respects me. that made me so happy to hear. we only went on a few dates,but its nice to have made an impression. one mans trash is another mans treasure. boring to me can be completely facinating to someone else and apparrently it is. the whole trash/treasure thing is interesting when it comes to people. i said that to mr ex man after he had deluged me with all my faults and how i wasnt worthy to be with him or his children. that hurt. even lies can hurt when they are hurtled at you with such force and such venom. he had no reply. he seldom does, especially when i am making a valid point that contradicts what he is saying.